I REFUSE to let myself get all fat and squishy

So as you all know I recently changed careers. I was a skinny little waitress for 20 years and now that I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, let's just say the weight has caught up with me. I'm no porko, but seriously my jeans are a little too snug for my liking. Plus now that I can't bank on making $400 in CASH this week, who can afford a new wardrobe? Certainly not me.

I work for a health insurance company and they offer all kinds of discounts and reward programs for "living a healthy lifestyle". Ok so I'm not stupid...their um discounts include making everyone succumb to these awful, embarrasing tests. I was cool with the blood work, checking my cholesterol and triglycerides but when the nurse pulled out a measuring tape, I got a little uncomfortable. "What's that for" I asked. The nurse kinda chuckled and explained that my company, who's looking out for my best interest (actually they're looking for the loophole to legally charge overweight/obese people more for their insurance benefits) would like to know my waist measurements. What can you do?

So anyways, I've "passed" 3 of the 5 required tests so that my premium won't increase by $600 this year, just $300 because I'm godforbid a smoker. Legal discrimination is what I call it.

I decided to take some action on my ever increasing waistband...I joined a gym. Gasp! I've never had to work out ever before in my life. Work used to be a workout for me. I used to punch in and run my ass off for 8 or so hours. Now, I sit. And I sit. And then I sit some more. So I did it, I actually got out of my comfort zone and admitted to another human (atleast I think he was human, his muscles were popping out all over the place, he actually looked a bit fake to me) that I am unhappy with my body and I'd like to do something about it.

God, what the hell did I get myself into? I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in this place. I don't have my official "assessment" till tomorrow but I figured this morning that I could just go to said gym and start Thanksgiving off on a healthy note. So I walk in and go up to one of the treadmills. I don't know what all those buttons are for or what they do, I just starting pressing them and off I went. I'm walking somewhere close to snail speed and the woman next to me is running on this thing like the fucking cops are chasing her! I swear I felt like the biggest loser there ever was. It will get better...I hope anyway. I'm gonna do it, I'll stick with it and maybe someday I'll be runnin from the cops on a treadmill too!

S.W.F.

I feel like a little school girl! I have a major crush on someone that I work with. She is my mentor; meaning she's a senior processor that I go to with questions about claims and things like that. Did you ever have a crush on someone you know you just can't have? Well if you've never been there; let me tell you, it is no fun!

I know this woman is in no way shape or form a lesbian but that doesn't make me want her any less. She's smart, she's funny, and she's really good at her job. She helps me everyday and always has a lot of great advise and is supportive of me in this new career.

It is time; oh my God is it time! I've been single now for close to 3 years and I don't want to be alone anymore. So where do you meet people? Got me, I'm not really a drinker and the bar scene ain't for me. I tried the free internet dating sites but nothing really has ever panned out. I was thinking about putting a personal ad in one of the city papers but that's kinda scary. I guess though if I want to find someone worth my time, I'm gonna have to get outside of my comfort zone to find her.

Where are all the good looking, smart, funny, hard-working, intelligent, soft, caring lesbians?

Shutup Shutup Shutup....

Ok so a very good friend of mine, who just so happens to also be my hairdresser, had a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago. Now every single time I've seen this baby since her birth she has screamed and cried the whole time. I talked to the friend one day last week and she went on and on telling me how "good" the baby is now. How she can keep herself entertained for hours on end. How she "laughs" and "coos" and "goos" and makes cutsie faces. So I start thinking maybe it's time I have this friend and her baby-demon spawn over for a nice little visit.

I take the initiative and invite friend over for dinner this evening. In comes baby. She is very cute. Very fat. Very chunky. Very baby skinned. Cute. Cute. Cute. And screaming her fucking head off. This baby did nothing but cry and cry and then scream. Awwww, ain't she cute!

I love my friend and well I guess I love her baby (ok that's just a joke, don't anybody go calling the authorities) but man was I glad when they left! Props to all you mothers out there. That is some tough shit to swallow!

No Title

Well...where to begin?
There's a shit load of crap going on in my head right now but I just can't seem to focus on one or the other enough to get it into words. Lots of feelings goin on: loneliness, pride, happy, sad, frustrated. This annoying little blinking cursor is antagonizing me; it wants me to write something, feel something, say something...but what do I say? What do I allow myself to feel? What do I allow myself to put up on the shelf and deal with later? Will any of it make a difference? How bad to I make myself feel about things that are just not in my control before I say fuck it and move on?

So I've been thinking about maybe putting a personal ad in one of those city paper things. I know, how pathetic is that? I never thought it would come down to this. I just don't know how I'm going to meet someone when I don't go anywhere. I tried the free on-line dating sites and nothing really panned out. I guess I could try one of those ones they advertize on t.v. but money is tight and I don't know if I can justify paying for that in my head. No. I can't. So what's a girl to do? I am sick of coming home to no one. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being single sometimes. It's nice to not have to do things when really all you want to do is put on comfy sweats and sit down with a good book. But you know, it really is getting pretty boring and mundane around here. I just want someone to have a good time with and talk with and well of course.....

Anyone have any opinions out there? Where or how did you meet the person you're with? Suggestions would be welcomed.

This burnedoutwaitress is in desperate need of some help!

Stealing from another fabulous Blogger

So I just finished reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers, Lora over at Fever. I'd give you a link but I have really no idea how to do that. Sorry Lora.

Anyways, she was posting about Halloween and at first I just assumed it would be just another of her witty posts. But this one really got to me. She was talking about ghost babies. I won't try to describe it, she's a much better writer than I and I couldn't give it justice. But it got me thinking and feeling about the baby/ies that I so desperately want. It's tough being single still at 32 with absolutely no prospects out there. I want a family. I'd be a great mom, I know I would. See but I want to meet "her", you know the "one". And I'd want there to be an "us" first and then have the kid but who am I kidding? By the time all that happens I'll be way to old to have babies.

Sometimes I think, I'll just adopt one. But Pennsylvania is all about handing out babies to single, lesbians, who used to shoot dope. Then I think that maybe I can go to one of those sperm bank things but I don't even know if we have any of those in Pittsburgh and I would imagine if we did have one, it would be way out of my price range. And really I don't want to raise a baby all by myself. They're a lot of work. Plus I'd want someone else there to enjoy all the great things, first steps, first words, first poops in the potty with.

I used to play along with that game, you know the one, "It will happen for you, she'll come along when you least expect it", "you're time will come". I don't play along anymore. It's just not worth the heart crushing blows I take when it doesn't "happen" and she doesn't "show up".

I didn't mean for this post to be so dramatic. I just really want babies.

Changes

Today is a beautiful day... I love fall and it's starting to feel like my favorite season is approaching. The air smells crisp and there's just a slight chill in the air. The sun is out but it's not that scorching, blaring, blinding, suffocating heat that comes with summer. It's just.... perfect. Jeans and a light sweater or long sleeve t-shirt weather.

With fall comes my favorite holiday too: Halloween. I used to love to get all dressed up as a kid and go carousing the neighborhood for all that free candy! This time of year is just the best. It's now that I am at my happiest. Now if only I had a someone special to share it with.

Looking foward to spending the day out at my parent's house. Dad and I will watch the game and roll our eyes when mom turns away. She hates, hates, hates, football. She'll huff around and make under her breath comments about the game. The time it takes to play, the extreme amount of money they earn and blah blah blah. I will do my best to ignore it and dad will just be dad. After 38 years of marriage he's learned to tune her out; wish I could do the same!

Anyways hope all you folks out there enjoy whatever weather your city is having today!

Freebie

Ever since I had all my hair cut off I've had to get up at 3:30 in the morning to be able to get ready and leave for work on time. I hate it, the hair cut and well having to get up that early, the style is just too much work for me and it doesn't ever look like it does when my hairdresser does it. But anyway, as I'm driving to work I notice alot of street lights are off and it's spooky dark. I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, we won't have any power at work and I can crawl back into bed. Low and behold I pull into the parking lot and...... NO POWER! whoo hoo! freebie!

But now that I'm home, and wide awake, I have nothing to do. Um, what can I do? I'm not used to being home this time of day. There's nothing on tv, it's too early to go anywhere, man I never thought I'd say this but I wish I was at work!

Have you ever had to confront someone who's really important to you? See there's this thing that happened many years ago that's been eating away at me. I kinda stuffed it down and forgot about it until recently when some events happened and now that festering wound is bringing all that nasty bile up with it. When I was using really heavily and my mom just couldn't take it anymore, she gave up. She thought that if she gave me an ultimatum, her or dope, that I'd chose her. That's not how drug addiction works.

She shut off all communication with me. We didn't talk at all. Never. Her and my father moved from the house I grew up in and I had no idea where they lived. I didn't have their phone number. I wasn't allowed to go to any family functions. Not Easter, not Christmas, funerals, not birthdays, nothing. I guess she thought she was helping me. You know tough love and that. But really it didn't help. I'm not saying that what she did was wrong but I'm not saying it was right either. All I'm saying is that it hurt.

Fast forward to present day, that's all behind us and I've never really told her how that made me feel. Like I said I just stuffed those feelings inside and tried to forget about them. But now with my brother relapsing again, that abandoned feeling has come back up. Why was it so easy to throw me away, forget that I existed? Why was it so easy to say you didn't have a daughter, and why is it so hard for her to not do it to him? He's always been her baby. That I can live with. But why can't she stop doing for him? Why can't she see that she's not helping him? She's enabling him. He fucks up again, but he goes into rehab and all is forgotten? Let's make sure he has cigarettes and spending money and rides to here and visits and telephone calls and and and. What the fuck?

Am I bitter? Yea I guess a little bit. It's a fucked up feeling to wonder why you could be tossed away and forgotten but at the same time, your brother gets doted on. Is it right? Who knows. I want to tell her how this all feels. I don't want to hurt her feelings though. My mother isn't one who can listen to critism or feelings for that matter. She'll just get all upset and then I'll have to apologize and walk around on egg shells. Augh! I just want her to know how bad she hurt me.

I'll probably never tell her. It's just how I am. I don't like confrontation and I especially don't like to be hurtful to other people. I just want her to get it. I want her to help him, not hurt him. He's never gonna get better if she continues to baby him. As much as I don't ever want to go back to being a junkie, it sure was easier to not have to think about all this crap.

Just feeling a little lost and a little betrayed.

Oh for the love of.........

Maybe I am just a giant baby, but I'm telling you my tooth hurts. I just came back from the dentist/rapist/sadist/robber to have my permanent crown put on. I believed that the worst was all behind me...the drilling, the awful cauterizing, burning smell, and the dreaded root canal. I thought this would be a piece of cake. Just open my mouth and he puts that new shiny white fake toothy thing onto my de-rooted stub. So why oh why does it hurt?

I'm telling you that dentist is out to fucking get me! I hate hate hate the dentist. I hate the sounds, the smells and of course the cost. What in the world cost so damn much? Did I by chance order one of those Nelli grillz when I was all doped up on the novacaine/vicodan coctail? Really $1000.00? And it HURTS!

I want my mommy......

There isn't a justifiable title for this

Today feels kinda strange. It's of course September 11th and I'm remembering what it means to be an American. I've gone through about 40 emails this morning that all tell me to make sure I have a flag out today. Problem is, I don't own a flag. How truly unamerican is that.

You know it funny, when I was a kid and all the adults were gathered around talking, they used to say things like, I remember exactly where I was when Kennedy was shot. This day is like that now. I remember where I was the day the towers fell, the day when our happy little bubble of ingnorance was busted. I was sitting in a waiting room of yet another rehab center, waiting to be assessed by some undergrad who didn't have a clue as to what a junkie is. I hadn't shot up yet and the withdrawal was starting to show it's ugly face. My nose was running, my body was on fire, I was shivering and sweating, I was moments away from explosive diarrhea and then it happened. Katie Couric and Matt Laur were stunned into silence as the second plane barreled it's way into the tower.

For just a moment I forgot about me. I let go of the selfish junkie monster and let myself feel human again. We didn't know for sure what was going on but it was something. This was no accident. I was literally stunned into a stupor and just sat there watching the tv.

But life continues and today nine years later, I'm sitting in my apartment, miles away from the rehab center, that by the way I ran from, but the feelings and the emotions of that dreadful day are still with me. My heart goes out to the people who lost their loved ones. My heart goes out also to that preacher who thinks that burning Korans is going to somehow make up for the damage that the terrorists created. It isn't the muslum religion that shattered our America, it was asshole terrorists. Burning a holy book isn't going to change that, nor is it going to make any difference whatsoever. All that's gonna do is start a fight that I don't think we're prepared for. Can't we just stop killing and judging?

The Stair Master....

As you folks know, I've been a waitress for nearly 20 years. I would consider myself to be a strong server, meaning I can handle a number of tables and give excellent service. I take pride in doing a job well done, and it's rewarding to know you're good at something. This skill runs in my family; almost all of the women have done this type of work, so it's "in my blood" so to speak.

I have lost the confidence I once had in being a good waitress. I've lost my ability.

A few months ago, I finished school and was hired my an insurance company to process claims. I had quit my job at the restaurant I had worked at, thinking my waitressing days were over. I hung up my apron and threw away those god-awful, stinky black tennis shoes. But to my surprize, I realized I missed waiting on assholes. Believe it or not! What I missed most of all was the cash. It just so happended that the restaurant my mom works at needed a server for Saturday nights, so they hired me. They didn't really even interview me. I was hired based on my mother's performance. She is one of the best servers I've ever worked with. I'm not just saying that because she's my mom, I've seen her do some amazing things with just a tray and an order pad!

To get to the point of this blog....
This restaurant I'm working at now, is by far the hardest job I've ever had. Alot of things contribute to this but the number one thing is the steps. I call them the stairs of death. The kitchen is on the second floor. So when you work in the dining room it's not too bad because it is on the second floor as well. The bar though is downstairs and everything you need, you must hike yourself up about 20 rickety, crooked, slippery steps of terror to get it.

I swear to god, those steps are going to be the death of me! They put me in the weeds and I can't ever seem to get out! I run my ass off when I'm there. Carrying trays of food up and down those steps for hours is no small feat. By Sunday I am exhausted and worn out. It feels like my body has been swapped with an 80 year old arthritic woman!

I just can't get the hang of it. Every restaurant is the same, but each one is different too. It usually takes me about a week or so to find my "groove" so to speak. Well I've been there for over 2 months, and I am grooveless. I make stupid mistakes, I forget orders, I spill things, I drop things. I don't know what it is but I just can't get my ass in gear. I am one of those waitresses you hate to have wait on you.

Will any of this change? Probably not. Maybe I can chalk it up to mental deficiency. I don't want to be there and subconsciously it's showing itself in my abilities. Just a few more months and I think my apron will go back in the closet. For good this time.

Today is a lonely day. I'm sitting here patiently waiting for that someone special to just pop into my life. You know, "when you least expect it". I'm here but I guess the problem is, I'm expecting her to come knocking on the door with a bouquet of flowers and some Hershey kisses. Aha, hold on...is there someone at the door? No just wishful thinking.

I've had a lot of time to get over my ex, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Time surely does heal all wounds. I'm so ready to have someone to share my life with again but I don't know where it is I'm suppose to meet her. I don't really go out much and I don't have alot of friends who could introduce me to people. What in the world am I suppose to do?

I tried the Internet, but I just don't feel all that comfortable with it. Maybe if I went to one of the sites where you have to pay, but money is tight and that's no guarantee. I never know how to "put myself out there" as the sites tell you to do. It just feels funny plus it's always the same people on these things.

I'm just in a rut and you know I'm not getting any younger. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being single. I like not having to do anything when I don't feel like it. But really it's pretty boring and I'm too young to be this boring! Plus cooking for one is just a big fat pain in the ass!

Although my last relationship ended very badly...she completely devasted me, we were very compatible. Or so I thought anyway. I wish I could find someone who has all the things I loved so much about her, minus of course the cheating thing. Can't go through that another time in my life. I mean that too! What is it with cheaters anyway? How can anyone cause another human being so much hurt? I've gotten off topic. Well not that there's really much of a point to this post anyway.

I don't know, I'm just feeling pretty alone and needed to share it. Isn't that what this blog thing is all about?

Thanks for listening..........

Computer Geek ..... I am NOT

Ok so you know how your computer has that taskbar thingy at the bottom of your screen. It has those little pictures (excuse me ICONS) yea well I have a problem....my little speaker and the little computer with the globe that lets me know I'm connected to the internet have completely disappeared!

How did this happen, where did they go, are they floating around somewhere in the control panel? Is my laptop just trying to piss me off? Well hey laptop..you succeeded! Just bring back my little pictures. I have tried going to that menu thing in the control center or whatever the fuck it's called but the little check boxes for my "icons" are turned off. You know how Windows does that: it greys out the things you want to check and now I can't hear any of my videos. Don't laugh, porn just isn't the same without the sound effects.

But seriously if anyone can tell me in simple, clearcut, no geeksquad, plain english how to make these check boxes come back to life I'd be eternally grateful!

TORN

What to write, what to write......seems as though lately I have all this "stuff" in my head but I can't figure out how to assemble it into something that makes sense. I guess it's the combination of all the things going on in my life right now.

As I wrote in a previous post, my brother had relapsed and completely fucked himself yet again. I wrote him a letter and maybe I was too harsh, maybe not, but I haven't heard from him and I'm thinking he's probaby pissed off at me. But you know what, I don't really care if he's pissed, because well sometimes the truth hurts. As I was writing it, I kinda felt like a bit of a hypocrite. It took me many years, many stumbles, and many many fuckups before I finally got myself clean. In the same breath though, I have always been different from my brother. I've always been very independent and I've had a steady job since I was 13 years old. My brother can't seem to hold a job or take care of himself for more than 3 months at a time. He's a 29 year old man and it's time he grows up. He's one of the most unmotivated people I know. When I decided that I wanted to go back to school I looked into all these different technical schools here in Pittsburgh and I came across one called "Bidwell''. This place; although wasn't right for me, is 100% completely FREE if you live in Allegheny county. They have 100s of programs from medical coding to electrician to botany. I told my brother over and over to go down there and sign up. He's talked about construction since he was a little boy and they had a course he could take there to become certified, plus they help place you in a job when you graduate. Did he do it? Of course not, he made up excuses of why he couldn't do it.

I am just about ready to give up on this boy. He's not gonna make it. Some people are just incapable of getting honest with themselves and change their lifestyle. I hate to say this but it's what I feel in my heart; he is just not gonna ever do what he needs to do and he will end up dying a drawn out and painful death. It doesn't have to be this way.

Some reading this may think that wow, she's a cold hearted bitch who has no faith in her own family. This is not the case. Take it from me, a recovering person, it takes a shit load of hard work to get clean. As hard as it is, it's also a very simple thing. Life comes down to choices and whether or not you chose to drink or shoot a bag of dope is all up to you; chose to or chose not to but don't you dare make excuses. Live or die.

Sadistic Dentist

I had my first-ever Root canal last night. In all honesty it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. That's not to say that I'd like to have another one done anytime soon! The thing is, how can I put this without making myself sound like a total infant?.........I am a big weinee. I don't like the dentist and I was pretty much panic-striken on my way there. I made it out to be the worst thing that could ever happen, and really it wasn't all that bad. I have to backup a little bit though and explain where this fear stems from.

Ok so I hadn't been to the dentist in about 15 years. Don't give me that look, I was UNINSURED and couldn't justify selling my body for a floride treatment. Anyway, along with my "new" career comes benefits, so I did the adult thing to do: I made an appoinment for a cleaning. I knew the one of my back molars had a huge gaping hole in it but really as long as I made sure to chew on the right side of my mouth it didn't really cause too much trouble. I was hoping that the dentist would just rip it out and all would be well. Yea well who knew that dentists don't like to pull teeth?

Dr. Dunn tells me that "oh, no you are way too young for me to start pulling out teeth; they'll shift and you'll have other problems, overbite...periodontal disease, blah, blah...... I stopped listening after he said the words possible root canal. Oh crap.

He takes an xray and tells me he doesnt think it's that bad, he can save it with a little cleanup and a crown. Yea whatever, can I have my vicoden now? I had to go back this past Monday for him to "clean-it-up".

So I sit down in the chair and look over, there it is........the giant novacaine needle. Yep the one I've been having nightmares of since last week. He gives me the shot on the side of the cheek, it pinched and burned but was over shortly..not too bad. Then he comes in my mouth again and I'm prepared for another cheek shot; oh no this sadist drives this 4 foot needle into the roof of my mouth! OMFG! Tears immediately welled in my eyes and my whole entire body was tensed up, I swear if I wasn't stiff as a board I would've reached over and fucking kicked him, that hurt so bad!

He starts his drilling and whatever and then breaks the news: "well it's all the way down to the root, you need a root canal". WTF?

I go see his associate, Heather, who was the most gentle creature alive. I get in the chair and immediately I go into panic mode, I just know that damn needle is going to rip into the roof of my mouth and I'm scared. I must have looked pretty pathetic. I'm a grown woman but I'm telling you I was so anxious I was in tears. I asked her if she was gonna do that roof of the mouth shot and the angel says to me: "oh i only do that if it is absolutely necessary, I'm going to numb your cheek first and then give you the novacaine and if that doesn't work I'll try other spots before I resort to the palette". I instanly fell in love with this woman.

Needless to say, Dr. Heather did not have to do the roof of my mouth and I am forever grateful to her for that! Also I am changing dentists, Dr. Dunn is a fucking sadist!

Brain Trash

Wow, it's been way too long since I've posted anything on here. I apologize for that...I really did enjoy blogging but don't really have a reason why I stopped. I'd like to say it's just life; you know we all get busy and let things fall by the way side. Oh well it is what it is.

So alot has changed in the last few months. I started my very first "professional" job, I am now a CLAIMS BENEFIT SPECIALIST. In short I'm a claims processor for a health insurance company. I process claims for Medicare. Yep, government. It is frustrating at times and really I kinda feel like the enemy but I do enjoy it. It is definately challenging and makes me use my noodle. Not to worry though, I still wait tables on Saturday nights! I couldn't just give up that oh so rewarding job of serving the public! Well let me be honest; I couldn't just give up the cold hard cash!

I did finally get the hell outta the restaurant I was at. Not that this one is much different, just new faces. Restaurants are all pretty much the same. One huge difference though is that my new bosses don't call me a C_ _ _ when I make a mistake. I don't need to fill in the blanks do I? I'm sure you folks out there who've read this blog in the past will be able to catch on to that awful word I'm referring to.

Life sure has been different. Gone are the days when I could stay up to watch the 11:00 news! I feel like an old lady, in bed by 9:30, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that. But when you have to get up at 4 am it's next to impossible to keep awake past 9.

Family struggles are going on right now and I'm wading through as best I can. My mom is a different story. My brother has recently relapsed. He had close to 3 years sober and went out last week and threw it all away again. Boy he doesn't fuck around when it comes to destroying his life. In 2 short days he completely threw away a good job, a place to live, and the little bit of money he had saved. He's in a rehab now, so atleast we know he is safe. My mom has absolutely no idea how to stop babying him. He will be 29 years old next month and has absolutely nothing to show for his life. He's never grown up, never really supported himself and why would he, he's got mommy to do all that for him. Am I bitter? Yea maybe a little. Most of the frustration is actually geared toward the fact that he will never get better if he has someone to enable him to do the things he does. He will die if she doesn't stop.

Try telling this to her. You may as well beat your head off a rock. She is one of the most stubborn people in the world and that's her baby boy. I can only hope that she'll come to her senses and see that she is part of the problem but it probably won't happen. Until then I can only take care of myself.

Which by the way, I've been doing a pretty good job of. Well now that Ive gotten some of the garbage that has been swimming around in my head down here on electronic "paper" I feel a little less fucked up. Guess that's the reason I started blogging in the first place. Maybe I'll be good to myself and let some more of this trash outta my brain. Until next time.........

Goodbye Sam

Isn't it funny how attached we become to our family pets? My parents have had Sammy and Kiki for as long as I can remember. They were 2 of the nicest cats; a little shy but loving and finnicky as hell. They're old, atleast 15 and it seems as though Sammy has seen better days. She's stopped eating and is laying lifeless in the kitchen. Her breathing is labored and she starting to drool on herself. It's time.

My father just called me, and I can tell from his shaky voice that he's trying to hold back the tears; it didn't work. I feel so awful for them, my parents, this is never an easy decision to make but we all know it is the right one. I cannot stand to see a helpless little animal suffering. Sammy will have peace now, she will be missed and will always hold a special place in my heart.

Goodbye Sammy, thank you for adoring our family and showing us the unconditional love of a cherished family pet. We love you girl.

Just a little catch up....

Well the cable guy just left, let's hope my phone is working again. The strangest thing has been going on with my phone the past month; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It is exremely frustrating to be talking to someone and boom just like that the phone goes kapuut, I can hear the other person or all I hear is my own echo.

I must have called Comcast, the provider about a million times and the technician always goes through the same song and dance, is it hooked up, plugged in, does it have a dial tone, stick a pen in the hole and reset it, I'm going to send a signal blah blah blah. It doesn't work and I want someone out here to fix it. For my own sanity and for the well being of comast workers everywhere, it better be fixed!

I know I've mentioned my ex before, you know the one who ripped my heart out and stomped all over it, yea well I am finally 100% over her. I've decided it's time to meet someone. Gulp. I'm ready and sick of being alone.

I was talking to someone about my dating dilema and she suggested I try internet dating. I was all like "no way only losers do that". Then she said that's how she met her husband; directly placing my foot in my mouth. So I gave it a try and low and behold I got a "hit".

So we exchanged a couple emails and she sounded normal and kinda cute so I suggested we exchange phone numbers. I was talking to her last night and thought maybe we'd get together soon for coffee or something and she throws me this curve ball: She has to go back to Wisconsin for an indetermined amount of time to take care of her mom. Oh. Okay.

I don't mean to sound like a heartless bitch, her mom is sick with cancer and I get that she needs to be with her, but then why would you go on a dating site and actively look for "the one"? I don't get people. I told her I wouldn't mind just talking on the phone but really I'd like more, you know like someone to hang out with and get to know and maybe just maybe possibly get laid!

Oh well what can you do?

Vanity?

Ok so I really don't consider myself to be a vain person. With that said let me tell you my recent revelation. I started my new job about 3 weeks ago, and while everybody who works there is very nice, smart, and competent, most of them are huge people. I really am not trying to judge or make fun, just stating facts here. Even most of my training class is full of overweight people. This is my biggest fear; being fat.

I've always been on the smaller side. I've never been overweight, but then again I've always held a job where I run my ass off. I am now sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. The most exercise I get is walking outside to the smoking patio! I am so afraid that if I dont start really watching what I'm shoving into my pie hole, my ass is gonna widen and my belly will start to fall out of my pants.

I noticed the first 2 weeks that I was bringing all kinds of little snacks with me to eat at my desk: twizzlers, m&m's, pretzels, etc. I'm not even hungry, I'm just eating because I can. At most of the restaurants I've worked at we weren't allowed to eat during a shift. Of course this isn't to say I didn't snatch a few fries off of customer plates but really I was too busy to even think about eating. I no longer have this rule. I can eat all day at my desk if I wanted to, I could even eat my lunch there if I so chose to.

So what's a girl to do? I have vowed to stop bringing in the snacks and force myself to take a walk everyday to try and burn this excess energy I have stored up. I can't believe I'm gonna say this but I miss the running and constant motion of my waitressing days! I know.

Holy crap it feels like I've been away from my blog forever! I'm just trying to get my feet wet and adjust to my "new" career and life.

I love my new apartment and so does Mia. She has tons of room to run around and stuff to get into! I am having a hard time lately coming up with anything to say and that's the main reason I haven't found myself blogging. I got nothin.

I'm gonna take a nap, since I can do that on a saturday now, thats a real kick in the pants for me. I've worked every single weekend for about 19 years and it feels strange to not be putting on a apron and going to work. Don't get me wrong, I love it, it's just new and something I have to get used to.

Hoping all you fellow bloggers have something to say and aren't experiencing the writers block that I'm having. I'm going out right now to check you guys out. cya soon.

BIG CHANGES OVER HERE

No I'm not changing my blog template, god knows I don't have any idea how to go about doing such things! I am officially no longer a waitress, I am now a claims benefit specialist. A specialist. Um, think of the implications. I completed my first week of training and lived to tell. It wasn't so bad, a lot of reading and signing. Everyone seems to be nice enough. Of course there's always the weirdo of the group and this training class is no exception! And yes mom, I found some friends to eat lunch with! I swear my mother still thinks I'm 5 years old.

Today is also moving day. That's why I'm up at 7 am on my very first Saturday off ever! I hate to move, it is such a pain in the ass. Well I figured I'd better update yinz. Gotta get back to packing! Enjoy the weekend!

Where are all those chocolate bunnies?

I wish I was still a little girl, waking up on easter morning and looking all over the house for my easter basket full of chocolate. When I was really little my aunt used to paint bunny tracks all over the house and driveway, proving to us that the easter bunny was there and hid our treats somewhere. I loved that.

But, I am no longer a little girl and the easter bunny doesn't bring me baskets full of sugar anymore so I guess I'll just have to settle for a good cup of joe. One thing is for sure, after doing some major shopping yesterday, I definately have a new easter outfit to wear (minus the bonnet of course).

Yep, my cousin finally came through and took me on a shopping spree yesterday. I found some awesome new clothes to wear to work. I ended up getting like 15 outfits for around $300. I was shocked at all the sales going on. Bonus for me. It kinda felt like I was on that show "What Not to Wear" and I was waiting for Stacey London and Clinton to come popping out from behind some manequin! The shopping went really well when you have someone to tell you what will look good. There's not one thing that I bought that I don't like and that doesn't look great on me. For once in my life I feel age appropriate in my clothes. I have confidence now that I won't look like I'm "trying" too hard.

Enough about material things. Wishing everyone a happy easter and a great weekend!

baffled

Why do people always disappoint? I know that we're all human and things come up but I try my hardest to do the things I say I'm gonna do. I'm feeling a bit deflated and well kinda pissed off this morning. I had made plans with one of my cousins to go shopping for some new clothes to wear to my new job. This cousin of mine is one of those people who always look great no matter what she's wearing. She has a sense of style that I just don't possess. So I asked her to go with me for some professional causual clothes I can wear to work. We first agreed to yesterday morning, then she moved it to 3pm, then to 5pm, then moved it to this morning. I woke up and low and behold a text: Sorry can we do it tomorrow morning, I promise I'll be there.

Yea I guess but I won't be holding my breath. So those of you reading this who're thinking, god give this girl some cheese with her wine, I understand. It may not seem to be a big deal to most. Most women would just go shopping by themselves and not really think twice. I am unfortunatley unlike most women; I don't like to shop. I never know what looks good on me. I'm at a stupid in-between age, too young for juniors but too old for misses. What's a girl to do?

Yes I'll get over it and I may even grow a set and go to the mall by myself today and see what i can find. I'm still hurt though.

PROMO

hello all,
if anyone is feeling like they don't do enough to help out the community here's a great chance to do something good for the world and the people that live in it. Go over to Lora's blog FEVER and click on the baby pic. Also if you're not already a follower, you should do that too while you're there cause this chick is Aces.

Ramblings

I took my Mia to the vet yesterday for her check up and shots. I asked the vet about the crying thing and he did a whole look over and said that he can't find any medical reason of why she's crying. He said that most cats that start crying are older and have lost their eyesight or have arthritis or something like that. She's only 3 so he said if I wanted to spend like $300 on blood work, he'd do it but doesn't think it necessary. I felt better about it and we both figure she's just "talking". Well I wish she shut the hell up!

He gave me some medicine for her watery eye, 2 shots, a supplement to put on her food to help control her shedding and get this, some kitty antidepresants for the crying. Their called Clomicalm. I googled the drug and it says that it used on animals for "seperation anxiety". WTF? I'm not gonna give them to her. The website also said that along with dogs and cats, people can take this drug too. Um, ok, now I'm definately not giving it to her; I'm taking that shit myself!

I'm starting to get a bit nervous about starting this new job on Monday. I'm super excited though too and I kinda wish it'd start already. I hate waiting. I am a very impatient person. Well I guess I'd better enjoy my time off while it lasts, the first 4 months are training and I'm not alllowed to use any of my vacation days. Wow that is the coolest thing I've ever written: vacation days. I never had a sick day or vacation day ever! If I didn't go to work, I didn't make any money! This is gonna be so cool.

My week of personal time has begun! Yay, there's so much for me to do I don't even know where to start. I know I'll sit down in my favorite old worn out recliner and curl up with a new book. That is what I like doing the best...chilling out, reading a good book and having my little Mia jump up on my lap and start her manic purring. Pure joy.

I had to go down to my school today to "officially sign out". What is this all about anyway? That was so stupid. I had to meet with my externship coordinator/career placement advisor. No offense or anything but I really don't care much for the woman. She is a little fake for my liking. You know the kind, talks to you like you're a 2 year old with that fake smile plastered onto her face. So we sit down and she hands me this form to fill out, kinda like a student survey thing. It asked me about a million questions about what would I do to improve the curriculum and that sort of nonsense that nobody is actually going to read let alone take into consideration. So I just checked off all the "excellent" boxes and handed it back. She pursed her little lips and sighed. Oh well. Then, and this part kinda ticked me off, she asks me to fill out info about the job I just got. I didn't really feel comfortable giving out the information but I filled it out anyways, I just wanted out of her office. The last question I came to said that I should turn the paper over and on the back write down the salary that I will be making. Whoa hold the phone, what is this all about? I left it blank and gave it back. The first thing she does is turn over the paper and sees that I left it blank. She's all like you have to put your salary on this. I said that I didn't really feel comfortable giving her that info seeing as my name is on the damn thing. She said that it's purely for statistical purposes. I didn't feel like getting into this big argument so i turned the stupid paper over and just to make my point wrote down this figure: $100,000.00

Stupid and petty I know but whatever I'm entitled to keep some stuff to myself.

HaPpY BiRtHdAy

Today is my father's birthday. Although he doesn't read my blog I'd like to wish him a happy birthday. Maybe by posting this, I'll be able to show you how wonderful of a man he is and how much I love him. I had written an essay for my English class about my dad. The assignment was to write about someone you admire. For me that is my daddy. He means the world to me. Of course I love my mom too, but there's just something special about the relationship between dads and daughters. My dad is my rock. He's the one I go to for advise or to just vent to. Anyways here's the essay I wrote for my dad, which he had framed and has setting on his desk at work.

There is a man that wakes up everyday unaware of how remarkable he truly is. He does not know how much he is admired and looked up to, what a special role hi plays in my life or to what degree his loved. On the outside this man is just like any other. He does not stand out in a crowd or draw any attention to himself. This man is the most compassionate, understanding and patient man that I know. This man, Thomas W. Fife, my father, my hero.
In the fall of 1965, Thomas lost not only his father but also his innocence. When his father died, it left a void inside of him that could never be replaced. He became the man of the house, having to protect his two younger sisters. He was only a boy but the world around him demanded he mature and become an adult.
Therefore, he grew up to fast. At 18 he joined the United States Army and was shipped thousands of miles away to the jungles of Vietnam. In that war ravaged country, my father experienced horrors that I cannot begin to imagine.
The hardships of his life and the experiences of war molded him into the man he is today.
When I was a young girl my daddy called me his “sugar bear”. As I grew up I pushed him away. He never said how much that must have hurt him. He let me go on to make my own mistakes, silently and in the background he was always there.
My father never for one minute gave up on me. There were many years of my life that I poisoned myself with drugs. Even at my lowest point, my dad never stopped loving me. He hung on to the tiniest measure of hope that I would someday get better.
To his relief and my own, that day came about three years ago. I have been moving past those dark days of addiction and I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
My father’s love and support has gotten me to the point I am at now. I’ve started my life over and I have begun schooling for medical coding.
It is my father whom I can always depend on. The morals and values that he instilled in me all those years ago are starting to shine through. My hope is that one day I will be as good a parent as my dad has been to me.
My father is my hero and he inspires me to do the best I can everyday to be a good person. Although I am 30 years old and all grown up, I still love it when he calls me his sugar bear.

Alice doesn't live here anymore

Well that's all folks; I am no longer a waitress! Hallelujah or however the hell you spell it! Sorry to report that my last day went pretty uneventfully. No funny or quirky stories to report. I got nothing here people...have a good night!

The Countdown

Well in about 12 hours I will no longer be a waitress. Today is my very last shift at the restaurant that I work at. The very last waitressing shift ever in any restaurant, I hope anyway. You know I post an awful lot about the stress and the crazy people I have encountered in my 19 years of serving, but when I look back on it; those were some of the best times I've had. The people that I've gotten to meet and work with have all touched me in some way. We, the restaurant people, are a special kind. Not everyone can do this job, it takes a lot of skill, multitasking abilities and of course patience. I will miss it. I will miss the money.

Leaving this behind is a step into my new future but it's scary. I've never had to work for a paycheck. I just this week deposited 3 of my checks. I don't get to the bank very often, but anyways 3 checks still didn't amount to $100! Can you believe that? I will cope. I'll just learn how to budget. It will be different, but I'll manage.

Though none of the girls I work with know anything about this blog of mine I'd like to say goodbye to all of you. I hated you, I loved you, I worked with you, partied with you, went to your damn baby showers and birthday parties. I lived a lifetime with you and each and everyone of you shaped me into the person that I am. So for one last time I say to you: 86 the special!

Remember

I was rummaging through my old journals and I came across this entry. I don't remember the exact day I wrote it but I sure can feel the pain again. I've come so far from this that it almost seems like someone else must have written it. This is exactly why I've kept all these old journals...so that I won't ever forget where I came from and where I could go back to.

The flame dances underneath the dull, tarnished spoon creating a bubbling cauldron of poison. I drop the pillow of cotton into the hot liquid and as it absorbs the mixture my mouth waters and my body tingles. I draw my dose up into the needle, anticipating its numbing effects. The dull needle pierces my skin like a nail and I flinch in pain. I pull back on the plunger and watch the dark omniscient stream of hot red blood flow back into the syringe, and I push. The heroin slams into my vein like a roaring freight train, crossing over the synapses of my brain and washing my entire body in warmth, I am home, I am content. Smack is my lover, my friend, my medicine. I can no longer function without it. It is always there for me when I need it. It takes away the rawness of what my life has become; a constant search for nothingness.

My body melts into the dirty chair, my breath catches in my throat; this is premo dope. I can barely open my eyes they are so heavy. My arms feel like lead as I try to extract the needle from my swollen vein. Blood runs down my arm, I lick it up like a dog. I can feel the nod coming on strong and heavy and I hold my breath waiting for it to take me to that place; the dark place where no light can enter, no thoughts can roam, and no feelings can be felt. Being on the nod is like being semiconscious. I can hear the others around me talking, but it’s just murmurs, nothing really makes sense but I don’t care. I am where I need to be.

When I wake there is a long string of drool from the corner of my mouth and my body is no longer on the chair. I am lying face down on the filthy worn carpet and I am alone. They have all left to go score and left me here to die. This is happening more often, me falling out and not remembering what happened. It doesn’t frighten me like it should, it just is. I pull myself back onto the chair and rummage through my pockets for a cigarette. I pull out a little blue bag with the words Jaguar stamped on the front, and I remember that I had saved one bag just in case my body didn’t succumb to the shot I had just taken. I am playing Russian roulette with my life, waiting for the jolt that will end this misery. I light a cigarette and cook up my last bag of dope.

I am a junkie. I am an animal. I do not bathe, I do not eat, I do not live; I scavenge. I am a lost soul. I am looking for death to release me from the pain that I am in. I did not start out like this. I was a smart, funny, and shy little girl who was loved and cared for. My parents raised me with morals and values and did right by me. I was not abused or neglected. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted, so I cannot blame my upbringing on the monster that I have become. No, I am responsible for the decisions I made and the actions that I took. This hell that I live in is all my own doing. This is all that I know to do; use drugs and cover up the feelings and emotions that are dying to be felt. If I were to allow myself to feel these things I would surely kill myself.

To Be or Not to Be....gay

I can't believe that I have nothing to do or anywhere to be today. I finished up my externship yesterday so now I have the whole day to myself. I can anything I want or nothing; it's up to me! What a great feeling!

I enjoyed doing my externship but I'm glad it is finally over. I was required to do 270 hours, which doesn't sound like that much; let me tell you, it is A LOT. I was doing 35 hours there a week plus working my waitressing job and I am exhausted and burned out! I was pretty fortunate to have gotten that site though cause I've heard some horror stories from other students. One girl told me that all her site allowed her to do was file old records for 270 hours; I'd kill myself.

The doctor and his staff were very nice to me and never tired of my endless barrage of questions. I learned a shitload of stuff that they just can't teach you in school. Dah, that's why they make you do one in the first place.

Even though I learned alot and truly liked the people there, some days were pretty akward for me. The office manager is a born again christian. I don't know how we got on the subject, but she was telling me that her oldest son is a gay man who has AIDS. She then proceeded to tell me that she prays that God releases her son from his "bondage" of homosexuality. I was stunned to silence. I didn't say anything. It wasn't the place nor the time to get into some heated arguement about sexuality and religion. Everyone has their right to their own beliefs. I'm pretty calm when it comes down to things like that. Yea I'm gay but not everyone needs to know that. I wasn't really all that offended. She wasn't gay-bashing or calling him a fag or anything. She is just a mom who loves her son but doesn't really understand what it means to be a homosexual. She is one of a million people who think it's a choice that we make and that we can just turn it off.

I asked one of my friends about what I should do. Should I tell her that I am gay too and that I don't see it as a "bondage". My friend kinda chuckled and said that she wouldn't say anything because then this woman would try to "save" me and start handing me little Jesus books and shit like that. So I laughed it off. Was that the right thing to do? Who knows. It doesn't really matter. I know who I am and I also know in my heart that god made me this way, it isn't bondage or a burden, it's just a part of who I am.

Is There a Vet in the House?

Somebody anybody needs to help me before I kill her. Seriously, do they perform voiceboxectomies on cats? I need one stat for my Mia. She is driving me absolutely apeshit with her constant meowing. It is incessant. Meoooooow, meooooow, meoooooow....you get the picture.

I don't know what her problem is. I have tried everything imaginable to ease her discomfort or whatever it is she's crying about. Treats, tricks, toys, soft food, you name it I've tried it. I cant stand it anymore! Anyone looking for a cute, cuddly little puddy cat to share their insanity with, gimme a call. I'll pay you to take her.

5 more shifts....

Oh thank God I only have to work at that restaurant 5 more times! The "games" have begun. My bosses are two of the most spiteful people I have ever met, and last night their personality shown through.

It is lent. That means Fridays are crazy insane busy. We sell about 30 million pieces of fish, that may be an exageration but you get the idea. So to save myself and the other servers a few steps, I always make up cups of tartar and coctail ahead of time. Now I've been doing this since lent began a month or so ago. I put the sauces in little platic cups called souflee cups. I put lids on them so that I could stack them and so that no crumbs or shit get in them. My boss came up behind me as I finished the last one and took them. I said to him, "where are you taking them, I already made some up for the to go's these are for the servers"?. He proceeded to ream me a new asshole because I put lids on them. "A case of those lids cost $30". Ok whatever. I was pissed off, he took away all my sauces.

Other things happened throughout the night, like at one point every server was running around like a chicken with their heads cut off, and I was standing there with only 1 table. There was a line of people waiting to be seated and my whole section was empty. They refused to seat me until I took it upon myself and starting taking customers back and sat myself. The last and final straw that really had me infuriated was when toward the end when things are settling down and it was time to cut the floor. I had 1 table that was finishing up but instead of cutting me, they cut the "princess" who had a party of 18 that still hadn't eaten. WTF! I probably shouldve just walked out and told them to go fuck themselves but that is what they want me to do.

Pray for me people! I just might end up going to prison before I get to start my new job!

have a great weekend everybody and don't forget to tip your server!

Graduate

Well I did it! And I didn't fall across the stage and make a big fool of myself either! It was a very nice ceremony except that the keynote speaker, Mr. Nate Harper Pittsburgh police chief was of course 20 minutes late! Other than that everything went very smoothly and I didn't cry like a baby. My eyes started tearing up as we all marched into the auditorium while the Pomp and Circumstance music was playing. I could see my family all sitting there and I had to turn away so I wouldn't start balling!

It was very nice to see my many wonderful teachers and get a chance to thank them for their endless dedication to me and my fellow students. Without them I wouldn't have the knowledge and skills that I possess. It all kinda happened so fast; I'm only now sitting back and rehashing it. I have one of the biggest smiles I've ever had. This is the best feeling; it beats any nod from any bag of heroin ever!!!!!!!!

The next chapter of my life has begun. My father wrote me a very touching letter that says to not limit myself as this is my start, not my finish. How true. I am just beginning and it feels awesome!

POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE

Today is my big day! I could hardly sleep last night. I am like a little kid in a candy store today, I'm full of nervous energy! I just can't wait to put that cap and gown on and walk across the stage! I have to wait some 8 hours and it's killing me.

I am an emotional mess today but in a good way. I've already begun tearing up so I cannot imagine what I'll be like when the damn song starts playing. I am just so happy and proud of myself. Not many addicts can get clean let alone finish school and get a great job. I can't hardly believe that it is happening but it is. My new life is starting and I'm all ready for it!

Last night two of my dearest friends took me out to dinner since they won't be able to attend the ceremony tonite. We had such a great time, we always do. I love them like sisters and know without great friends I couldn't have done any of this. They gave me a necklace with a key on it and said that it represents the key to my new apartment, new job, and new life. I am touched and saddened that I won't be working alongside these 2 wonderful women anymore. That's gonna be the most difficult part about leaving the restaurant business behind; the awesome people who I got to share so much with. We are a different breed of people; you kinda have to be to survive that lifestyle. Unless you've experienced it for yourself you can't really understand what is all about. I will miss it.

It is time to move on though, that was what I worked so damn hard for. I look forward to the new challenges that life has in store for me. And it's comforting to know that I can blog about all my misadventures! Hope you guys stick around for what is sure to be a bumpy road!

Patience is a virtue

You know I thought that because I will be leaving this waitressing thing behind me in less than 2 weeks, that my patience level would somehow grow. I was wrong. Let's explore yet again how truly fucked up people can be...

Last night we had a reservation for a party of 30 people who were celebrating a surprise 21st birthday. Me and another server, whom I will call S, had to share this party which took up both of our sections. No big deal, we do this kinda thing all the time.

I was a little shocked that because it was a 21st birthday, the woman in charge would not allow anyone to drink any alcohol. Ok whatever, it was a "family" dinner. The parents of the birthday girl had pre-ordered the venue, giving the guests a choice of 3 chicken dinners. Um, what happened to a little variety? Not everybody wants chicken, how bout a seafood selection or beef? Whatever I just do what I am told.

I don't want to bore you with all the little details of these very demanding customers, so I'll cut to the chase. After the 3 hours that they were there, everyone was oohing and awwing over the food and the service. Big warning sign; that is what we in the business call "the kiss of death". I should have known then that I was going to need some lubricant cause we sure were gonna get fucked.

The check came to $550. Now keep in mind that the 2 servers working this party are spliting the tip. Not only that but we also didn't have ANY other tables besides this one. I collect the charge slip and casually look down....$80. WTF! We just busted our asses for 3 hours and we get to split 80 bucks...$40 a piece. Oh for Christ's sake people.

The silver lining in this whole fucked up situation is that in 2 more weeks I will never ever have to be slighted on a tip!

And the Countdown Begins....

Wow! What an awesome feeling it is to wake up this morning and know that in just 2 short weeks I will be done waitressing forever. Well never say never but...

I was talking with my aunt this morning and we were discussing how fortunate I am to have been given the job that I really wanted. I know there are plenty of people out there with degrees who are stuck in jobs that they really don't want simply bc they can't find something in their fields. I am blessed to have been given this opportunity; the thought is not lost on me. I am not a very religious person but I did pray over and over again to get this job. Now that I have it, I have repeated thanked HIM.

I know that I worked very hard for what I've accomplished but I have not done it alone. There is something else out there working in my favor. I won't name it because honestly I am not entirely sure what it is, but I must acknowledge that there is something bigger than me out there.

Ok enough of the religious stuff. I am so freakin happy I could bust! This weekend is exciting as hell for me. Today is the St Patricks day parade in Pittsburgh and that's a HUGE deal in this city. Of course its raining but the show will definately go on. Pittsburgh hosts one of the biggest st. Patty's day parade in the country. Just think next year I'll have weekends off and actually be able to attend the festivities!

Monday I get to walk across that stage and be given my degree! I get to show my family and friends how hard I've worked. I am gonna cry like a baby but that's ok. It will be a happy cry.

thanks everyone for the wishes and prayers; they worked!

OMG, I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!

So this is what it feels like to work hard for something, pray about, climb the walls waiting to hear about it, and then GET it! I cannot contain my happiness right now; you have no idea how wonderful it feels to know that in 2 weeks I can hang up my apron strings forever and ever!

Ok. So I called the woman whom I interviewed with today to "check on the status of my application". She called me right back and said that things were looking very good for me. I asked her about my criminal history and she said "I would be surprised if they didn't hire you based on that". Well there it is. Now can these people just call with the job offer so I can tell my boss to stick his linguine up his ass?!

I am so ready to be done with my externship. Honestly I appreciate all that they have shown me but I'm pretty much bored out of my mind now! I am only allowed to do so much. I do all the things that I know how to do and when I look up at the clock it's only like 10! WTF! I spend the rest of the time thinking about all the things I could be getting done if I were at home.

Did I mention that along with working my waitressing job, externing with the Doctor, I am also in the process of moving. Well it's only to the front apartment but still I gotta pack all that shit up! Seriously when this is all over with I am gonna need a day of pampering. I could really use a mani/pedi and a fucking nap!

Thanks for standing by me and understanding when I don't reach out to your blogs, I'll get back to yinz soon!

Cant this wait just be over already?

Man I hate this waiting game! I just want to know if they're going to hire me or not! I'm trying to be patient but it's so hard. Last night at work all I could think of was that it could all be over within the next 2 weeks! That my friends is what I live for: the fact that I never have to wait on another table for as long as I live.

As soon as I hear something, you'll hear it too! I want to thank yinz for being so supportive and for understanding my erratic posting as of late. Things will get back to normal within the next month or so, I promise! Keep them body parts crossed for me!

This is how I feel...

This is what I feel like.

Thank God I only have 2 more weeks left to go on my externship! It is seriously taking a toll on my physical and mental well-being. I am so ready just to be done with it.

It doesn't help that this weekend was like a clusterfuck, chaotic mess at the restaurant! Holy shit, I ran my ass off and I am beat. It wasn't a good kinda busy. I hate when it's like this. Don't get me wrong I'd rather be busy and make money than stand around looking pretty, but when it's crazy insane like it has been, I'm not doing my job. I am not giving good service to people, I am literally throwing food at them and walking away. They're lucky if I make it back in time to refill their drinks. I don't like waiting on people like that. As much as I hate waitressing, I am good at it and I take pride in doing it well.

Of course at the end of the night when I count my money it's all worth it, but I can't get rid of the sinking feeling that customers went away unsatisfied. I don't like that.

But on the bright side...I'm waiting to hear from the insurance company that I interviewed with. Everything seems to be going well. The last step was filling out the online application. Now I play the waiting game. I hate waiting. It's driving me crazy not knowing if they're gonna hire me or not. I just want to know. I hope they offer me a position. If they do, my waitressing days are OVER!

Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me my wonderful "tiny heads", this girl needs all the help she can get!

Hope everyone is enjoying life. No more snow over here in PA, thats a good thing. In fact I think it's going up into the high 40's this week! I cant' wait.

Well I am pooped and I need to crawl my ass into bed and get some sleep!

I've been a busy little bee! I had a phone interview with an insurance company on Friday. I don't understand the whole phone interviewing thing. I mean I guess that's how they start to weed people out, but it just seems so impersonal to me. And what is up with the Human Resources questions? Who the hell comes up with these stupid questions and what on earth do they have to do with getting a job? I learned in school that they ask you these questions to try and catch you off gaurd and they're basically looking to see how you react.

I thought that I did really bad. I was unsure about how to answer her questions. The only answers that I could come up with involved my experience in the restaurant business, bc that's all the experience I've ever had. She told me that she appreciated my time and that she'd be handing her notes over to her boss, and they'd get in touch with me in a few days if I was being moved on to the next step. After I hung up I kinda shrugged my shoulders and figured I'd never hear from "Katie" again. I chalked it up to experience and laughed about it with the girls at the office. I went on with my day.

To my utter surprise, when I got home from work that night there was actually a message from Katie on my machine. She said that she reviewed her notes with her boss and she'd like for me to come in for a face-to-face interview. Holy freaking shit! I swear I did a little happy dance right there in my living room. My poor cat probably thought I was having a seizure!

Things are starting to really move forward. I also have another interview scheduled this week with a billing company. I can't believe that this could actually happen for me. I am so excited but scared at the same time. I guess it's a healthy fear. I definately am not gonna let it freeze me, there's just no way that I will allow myself to chicken out. I refuse to wait on tables for the rest of my life!

So fellow bloggers, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful comments and support. It makes me feel good knowing there are people out there who are rooting for me! It seems kinda weird that I've never even met you, but somehow I "know" each and every one of you! I hope all is going well for you too!

I'm probably gonna be a bad poster for the next 6 weeks or so, but I promise to keep you guys up-to-date with any disgruntled customers I happen to come across. I always have time to write about the assholes I deal with on a day to day basis! Till then enjoy yourselves!

lotsalove,
burnie

Holy crap it's been a LONG time since I posted something new! Sorry about that folks but I've been a busy little thing! Now I feel a little bit quilty for posting a question but I'm hoping you'll understand. If I live on the East Coast and it's 2:00 pm what time is that in Central Time?

I need to know this because an Insurance company is going to call me for a phone interview and he said it is based on central time. I should've asked but I didn't want to look like a fucking idiot, so i'll look like a dummy with you guys, you're not looking to hire me!

Seriously, hope everyone is doing well and i'll get with yinz as soon as I can, I promise!
burnie

How Do I Come Up with a Catchy Title?

When I first thought about creating a blog I was unsure of what I wanted to say. I knew that I wanted an outlet for all the crazy goings on at my waitressing job; I wanted a place to share these stories and hopefully make somebody laugh. I never really thought anybody would find my blog let alone follow it, or for that matter comment and enjoy it. But it seems that is what has happened. I know that in the blogging world I am quite new and I don't have as many followers as most. I'm ok with that. I never in a million years thought I'd have any followers; now I have 50!

I like that number. It's even and divisible by 5. It seems like a good number to round off to; it is half of 100 and there even is a bill of money in it's honor. 50. I like it.

I don't know where this post is really going to or what the hell it is I'm trying to say. I just felt some kind of way when I logged on this morning and saw that I had acquired some new tiny heads in the collection. I feel proud. I also feel like what the hell do these people see in this little blog of mine? I sometimes feel insubstantial to the other bloggers that I follow. It seems that they write about all sorts of things. I love each of the ones I follow for different reasons. Some of them are funny and some are poignant and brutally honest. I don't feel like I can even come close to their wityness or excellent writing. I just want to belong though and I guess I'm starting to feel that way. Maybe.

It's weird; my brain that is. The thoughts surrounding this post are jumbled and racing and I don't know in which direction I should go. But that's pretty much what my life is feeling like now too. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions. I don't feel grounded and I don't like feeling not grounded. It can be a pretty scary and rocky place for an addict.

How can I try and explain this place I'm in? Ok, try to imagine what it would feel like to be one of those mandarin oranges that are stuck in jello. They're just there; they're kinda just suspended in air but not really because they're surrounded by a sticky, gelatinous substance. If that makes any sense to you, that's kinda what I feel like right now. I am a semi-suspended mandarin orange in a sea of lime-green jello. By the way I hate fruit in my jello.

Laughed til I peed!

enough said.

A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT...

Ok my apologies for not posting this yesterday (Friday) like I was supposed to! I was featured as "Blog of the week" over at SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB (SFTC) and I was honored to be chosen, truly I was. So go on over there and check out the post and give that girl some love cause she is funny and quirky and AWESOME! I'm not just saying that either, she is one of my soups of the day and I always look forward to reading something new from her. I've noticed that I have many new tiny heads in the collection, I'd like to say hello to all you newbies out there. Thanks for stopping over and I hope that you decide to stay. Things here are really informal and sometimes things can be a little racy and full of swearing and cussing but then on somedays I actually allow myself to open up and you get to see the "real" burnedoutw8ress. So stick around folks and I'll do my best to keep you informed about all the asshole customers that cross my path.

I can't take anymore

FUCK YOU SNOW!

I am so sick of looking at, walking through, and shoveling snow! When is it gonna end already? Are we being punished for the last several "mild" winters? Ok. We. Get. It. I'm not much of a winter gal if you couldn't tell. I get cold easily and I am not the best driver when it comes to this slushy crap all over the roads. I hate it, I hate it I hate it!

And you know what, while I'm at it..FUCK you VALENTINE'S DAY too!

I Need Some Blogger Help

People never cease to amaze me.

I live here in pittsburgh where we got like almost 2 feet of snow this weekend. So on sunday I bundled myself up and went out there to try and shovel my car out of it's winter coccoon. I am quite the girly girl and that snow was wet and heavy as hell. I was really struggling with the shovel. I was frustrated and very close to tears when one of the guys who lives in the apartment above me came to what I thought was going to be my rescue.

He could tell that I was having a really hard time. He said that he would do it for me to help me out. I was relieved. At first. I'm no cheapo and I knew this was hard work so I handed my "neighbor" $40 for his troubles. I went back into the house and crawled under the blankets.

About half an hour later he comes knocking on my door. He said that he had gotten half of it done. I was all like, "oh ok would you like a cup of coffee to warm up and take a little break?". He, in a straight face, says to me that if I want the other half done it was gonna cost me another $20. Are you fucking shitting me? I was floored and for once in my life speechless. I didn't know what to say. What was I going to do? I knew there was no way I was gonna be able to do it so I just agreed and shut the door.

So as I'm sitting there talking to myself about what a jerk this guy is, I had a thought. Maybe he didn't look at the money I handed him and thought it was only 1 $20. Yea that must be it, nobody in their right mind would really expect $60 to shovel out a car. I felt better. Then he knocked.

I opened the door and he said he had finished the job. I said to him, "did you realise that I had given you 2 $20's?" to which he replied yes I know but there was a lot of snow. Unfreakin believable! I had to give this guy $60 to shovel out my car! I couldn't not pay him. He is my neighbor after all and I didn't want to piss him off. What if he's some kind of freak and he started to leave dead animals on my porch or something?

I was really taken back by this but maybe I am just over reacting? I don't know? What do you guys think? Was I just being cheap?

Awards are SWEET

I've been given this cute award, I love pink, from Katey Leigh over at let.it.be. I just stumbled upon her one day and I've been following her ever since. I envy the fact that she lives in San Francisco, I love that city! I tried living there when I was 19 but it didn't work for me at that time but maybe someday I'll go back. Anyway like most awards there are rules that go along with them but I'm not feeling well and my head is pounding and my nose is all stuffy and I MUST must must get back into bed so I'm skipping out on the rule thing today. Please don't let my bad blogging etiquette stop others from handing me pretty awards! I promise I'll be a better blogger someday!

Thanks Kateyleigh, love your blog!

Snowball Fight?

If anyone lives in the Eastern part of our country I guess you're in the same boat as I am today. Holy crap the snow. Snow. Snow. Snow. And MORE snow. The stuff is pretty and white and bright and all but seriously I don't want anymore of it. I nearly killed myself getting home last night. I'm no weenie but when there's close to a foot of that shit it makes travel pretty gruesome.

I work in a restaurant as many of you already know. I say this because a restaurant is not where you should be in the midst of a blizzard. It was snowing buckets and yet the yuppies from the neighborhood were piling into their 4-wheel-drive Escalades, and Navigators to come in and order a bowl of freakin soup! Really. I just wanted to try and make my way home.

I just don't understand. If the news people and the people at Penndot were telling you to stay off the roads and only go out if absolutely necessary, why why why are you here in my booth ordering a stinking pizza?

So now that it is Saturday morning and I'm comfy and warm INSIDE of my home and don't have to leave, I can appreciate the beauty of the snow but that's only because I don't have to venture out into it. Hoping everyone is safe and warm and please people DO NOT BE OBNOXIOUS AND TRY TO GO OUT TO EAT TODAY! Waitresses are not eskimos.

Good Friday

I have been a bad blogger! I'm so busy with the externship and working that I barely have time to shower let alone check and write new posts. Sorry about that fellow bloggers. Anyways I have some exciting news.

My school only holds 2 graduation ceremonies a year, one in spring and fall. The spring one is scheduled for March 15, but technically I won't finish my extern hours until the beginning of April, so I wasn't included on the list. After several unanswered phone calls, emails, and faxes I finally got in touch with the program director and she agreed to let me walk early. So all that hard work, the good grades and all that payed off for me. They are gonna let me graduate early. I won't receive my degree that night, the book will be empty but thats okay by me. I get the chance to walk across that stage and show my family and friends what I've accomplished! I've come along way and I am so proud of myself for sticking it out and earning a college degree.

Had anyone asked me 5 years ago if I thought I'd be able to call myself a college graduate, I would have laughed at them, and then asked them for $20 to cop dope. Things have changed.

On another good note, last night at work I was waiting on this little old guy who is a recent widower. He had been to his wife's grave and was cold, and hurting. I didn't do anything special, just talked with him and gave him a hot cup of coffee but he did something really nice for me. When I went over to clean his table I scooped up the tip and in the midst of the one dollar bills was a crisp, new $100 bill! I don't know if this was a mistake on his part but he was already gone and I had no way to ask him. I slid it in my apron pocket and went on with my shift. Thank you for making my night sir, you have no idea what it meant to me!

ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

So I survived my first week at my externship. No patients were harmed in the process, so I guess I must be doing something right! In all seriousness though I have learned quite a bit in this short period of time, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with what I am doing and the other people who work there.

The other night at work I decided that I needed to have a "fire-side" chat with my boss. When I walk by some of the girls I'm working with at the restaurant they suddenly stop talking and start looking around with this guilty expression on their faces. They are talking about me and divying up my shifts between them. Um hello, I'm still working here! Anyways I wanted to make that clear to my employers so they don't overhear this shit and start to think I'm going to screw them over.

So I go up to the office and we talk. Everything goes well and he tells me he knew I still had a ways to go before I leave and blah blah blah. Then he sort of chuckles and says to me that he did get a note from one of the servers that said that they would like to take my Saturday shift. Holy shit! I'm not even dead yet and these girls are throwing the dirt on top of me!

Ruthless bitches.

So. Tired.

huh?

I started my externship on Monday. I know that I am being hard on myself when I say this but I feel really stupid. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. They had me sit and listen to the other girls answer the phones on the first day and then yesterday I was allowed to scan some things into the computer but other than that I dont really know what I am supposed to do. If this was a restaurant I'd be all over it! It will take me some time to get my footing but until then I dont want to come across as lazy or have no initiative but seriously I just sit there looking like an idiot. I hate it, I want to already know this job like I know my job. Patience was never one of my strong suits!

Ding Ding Ding

And in this corner we have the feather-weight champ burnedoutw8ress!

Just a little comedic entry into what this post will be about. So it was Friday night at work when I was almost forced to "put up my dukes". I should probably mention I'm not that much of a figher. I've actually only been involved in 2 fistfights my entire life, oh and I lost both of them. I'm more of a lover than a fighter, to put it simply: I am a weinee who's mouth can't be backed up by my fists.

We all know that Friday was my last day of school. Well my fellow employees know this as well. Of course they're excited for me. My bosses even know too. That being said, I am not currently looking for employment. I still have to complete my externship to qualify for my degree.

As I was wiping down the tables Friday night I overheard a conversation between 2 of the servers. We'll call them A and B. Server A was telling server B that "when the new girls starts she can have some of my shifts". I knew where this was going, so I said to server A, "what new girl"?

server A: well you'll be leaving soon and they'll have to hire someone to take over your shifts.

me: Um I haven't even started looking for a job and I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about that kinda stuff because if they(the bosses) overhear it all kind of shit is gonna get started. that's how rumors start and I don't want to be called into the office for shit.

Server A starts to flip out! She's swearing and saying she's 40 years old and she'll say anything she wants, and blah blah blah. That's when she says to me, sweet and innocent burnedoutw8ress, "go fuck yourself"!

Well what the hell is this all about I ask myself. I've never seen this server get like this before. I don't think I came across rude or anything. I'm just trying to protect my own ass from a whipping. My bosses are immature like that. If they get the tiniest inkling that I am somehow going to screw them over they will react in some pretty disturbing ways. My shifts will slowly disappear, my section will become smaller, my shifts will be longer, etc. What is it with women?

After talking to a friend of mine who also works with us I think I may understand what's going on with server A. Not to boast on myself or anything like that but I think she may be a bit jealous. Jealous of the fact that there's a light at the end of my tunnel. Jealous that I will someday be getting out of this god forsaken job. Jealous that she infact will not. It seems silly to me but I guess it could be true.

I don't want to step on people's toes or hurt feelings. All I'm trying to do is better myself and get the hell out of the restaurant business before I end up killing someone. I absolutely hate conflicts and I hope by Monday server A has calmed down and we can work this out. We've always gotten along before and I don't want to have to walk around on egg shells. Isn't our job bad enough without having to fight amongst ourselves?

Just in case all doesn't go well does anyone have any boxing advice for me?

Yet Another Waitress Rant

Seriously people how many times must I post about stupid customer questions before they stop asking me them?

So, I have these 2 old bitties in my section last night; I knew I was gonna be in for some trouble when I took a gander at this lady. She had on plastic zebra striped rainboots, a green poncho thing, and a wig that nobody should ever wear no matter what the circumstance ( Halloween couldn't even pull that one off). Ok.

weirdlady: what are the soups?

me: we have wedding and chicken noodle.

weirdlady: do you put sugar in the wedding soup?

me: (thinking to myself, who the fuck puts sugar in wedding soup?) No ma'am there is no sugar in the soup.

weirdlady: are you sure, could you just check with the chef for me?

me: (augh) yes I'll double check for you.

After fuckin around in the kitchen for a few minutes while I'm "double checking with the chef" I come back to the table to reassure her about the soup. She orders it. Then she asks me "is there any cheese in the meatballs?"

Oh for the love of God! Listen up people if you have that many food allergies, pet peeves, or just random annoying problems with what you eat, please please please just stay the fuck home!

insomnia

Ok. I. Can't. Sleep.

I only have 3 days of school left. I start my very first externship on Monday. I've never in my life worked in an office or for a doctor. Am I nervous? You betch-your-ass I am!

It's all coming down to the wire and I am really starting to freak out. I wanted this right? I mean isn't this what all that hard work and no sleep was for? Why am I suddenly so afraid to take this step? Do I possess the skills? Have I had enough training? Am I good enough? Or am I destined for a life of scraping by and waiting tables til I die?

No, of course not.

I am scared to death, but so excited at the same time! I really want to do well and impress this doctor and the office manager. I'd like to be able to learn some basic office skills and move on with my life. I feel a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore; you know when she makes it to the big city and flings her hat up into the Manhattan air! I want to do that but I will refrain.

Instead I think I'll do something dramatic to my hair. Something funky and fresh, something new and exciting to go with the mood of my changing life. It's a new start for me and I'd like to start the process off with a sense of confidence and what better way to do that than to get a whole new look? I think I have the cut in mind. It is a lot shorter than my hair has ever been, but that's okay. There's a lot of things different about me these days.

What this whole babbling post is about is fear of change and fear of falling back into old behaviors. That's my m.o. Just when things start to go good and things fall into place, I sabotage them. This is the time that I need to be extra vigilant about my recovery. It is just so easy to hide my fears in that needle.

As I was laying in bed, tossing and turning, a thought occurred to me about all those using dreams I've had lately. No wonder. My life is showing signs of success and what better way to demolish it but by doing the most "natural" thing in the world to a junkie like me. You see that's what we do, we drug addicts. We hide. We run. We don't face scary things; even if they are good things. It's change that we hate so much. Anything new is terribly frightening. And then the big question is "what if I actually am good at this new career, then what? Will my life actually change and will I have to really stay clean for the rest of my life? That's what its boiling down to for me anyway.

A whole life without my love of obliteration. When I started school I said to myself, "just get through with the next year and a half, stay on track at the methadone clinic, and then we'll see". Maybe it was wrong and I'm sure if N.A. was still a part of my life I'd have a sponsor beating down my door right now. But it is what it is and now it almost feels like I'm betraying myself. Like I promised myself that once it was all said and done we could get back down to business. We could just slam one more time, one more time, one more time.

The funny thing is: I don't really want to use. I for once want to walk through this fear just to see what's on the other side of the fence for me. I can do this. And I. Will. Do. This.