Sunday, August 29, 2010


What to write, what to write......seems as though lately I have all this "stuff" in my head but I can't figure out how to assemble it into something that makes sense. I guess it's the combination of all the things going on in my life right now.

As I wrote in a previous post, my brother had relapsed and completely fucked himself yet again. I wrote him a letter and maybe I was too harsh, maybe not, but I haven't heard from him and I'm thinking he's probaby pissed off at me. But you know what, I don't really care if he's pissed, because well sometimes the truth hurts. As I was writing it, I kinda felt like a bit of a hypocrite. It took me many years, many stumbles, and many many fuckups before I finally got myself clean. In the same breath though, I have always been different from my brother. I've always been very independent and I've had a steady job since I was 13 years old. My brother can't seem to hold a job or take care of himself for more than 3 months at a time. He's a 29 year old man and it's time he grows up. He's one of the most unmotivated people I know. When I decided that I wanted to go back to school I looked into all these different technical schools here in Pittsburgh and I came across one called "Bidwell''. This place; although wasn't right for me, is 100% completely FREE if you live in Allegheny county. They have 100s of programs from medical coding to electrician to botany. I told my brother over and over to go down there and sign up. He's talked about construction since he was a little boy and they had a course he could take there to become certified, plus they help place you in a job when you graduate. Did he do it? Of course not, he made up excuses of why he couldn't do it.

I am just about ready to give up on this boy. He's not gonna make it. Some people are just incapable of getting honest with themselves and change their lifestyle. I hate to say this but it's what I feel in my heart; he is just not gonna ever do what he needs to do and he will end up dying a drawn out and painful death. It doesn't have to be this way.

Some reading this may think that wow, she's a cold hearted bitch who has no faith in her own family. This is not the case. Take it from me, a recovering person, it takes a shit load of hard work to get clean. As hard as it is, it's also a very simple thing. Life comes down to choices and whether or not you chose to drink or shoot a bag of dope is all up to you; chose to or chose not to but don't you dare make excuses. Live or die.


  1. Eloquently written, my friend!

    And I don't think this post comes off as being cold hearted at all. You're concerned, worried, and trying to help your brother. It's challenging with people who we love, isn't it? You can try your best to help them, but if they're not willing to help themselves, they'll never know independence.

    Fab post!


  2. I think sometimes tough love is the only thing that can save someone. And although we all want to believe in the people we love; the people in our family... we can't make them take action; we can't control them and make them wake up. It's clear that you care or you wouldn't write this passionately about it - that counts for more than you know.

  3. I don't think it's cold hearted at all. The old saying..."you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself" seem to fit nicely in this situation. You can only bang your head against a wall for so long before it really starts to hurt...