TORN

What to write, what to write......seems as though lately I have all this "stuff" in my head but I can't figure out how to assemble it into something that makes sense. I guess it's the combination of all the things going on in my life right now.

As I wrote in a previous post, my brother had relapsed and completely fucked himself yet again. I wrote him a letter and maybe I was too harsh, maybe not, but I haven't heard from him and I'm thinking he's probaby pissed off at me. But you know what, I don't really care if he's pissed, because well sometimes the truth hurts. As I was writing it, I kinda felt like a bit of a hypocrite. It took me many years, many stumbles, and many many fuckups before I finally got myself clean. In the same breath though, I have always been different from my brother. I've always been very independent and I've had a steady job since I was 13 years old. My brother can't seem to hold a job or take care of himself for more than 3 months at a time. He's a 29 year old man and it's time he grows up. He's one of the most unmotivated people I know. When I decided that I wanted to go back to school I looked into all these different technical schools here in Pittsburgh and I came across one called "Bidwell''. This place; although wasn't right for me, is 100% completely FREE if you live in Allegheny county. They have 100s of programs from medical coding to electrician to botany. I told my brother over and over to go down there and sign up. He's talked about construction since he was a little boy and they had a course he could take there to become certified, plus they help place you in a job when you graduate. Did he do it? Of course not, he made up excuses of why he couldn't do it.

I am just about ready to give up on this boy. He's not gonna make it. Some people are just incapable of getting honest with themselves and change their lifestyle. I hate to say this but it's what I feel in my heart; he is just not gonna ever do what he needs to do and he will end up dying a drawn out and painful death. It doesn't have to be this way.

Some reading this may think that wow, she's a cold hearted bitch who has no faith in her own family. This is not the case. Take it from me, a recovering person, it takes a shit load of hard work to get clean. As hard as it is, it's also a very simple thing. Life comes down to choices and whether or not you chose to drink or shoot a bag of dope is all up to you; chose to or chose not to but don't you dare make excuses. Live or die.