Saturday, October 24, 2009


My favorite television show is Intervention. They portray drug addiction for what it is: total degregation; there's no fluff, no sugar coating, just the pure savage despair that is addiction.

For me, its not so much about watching the addicts themselves, it's the parents and their anguish. I humbly see through their eyes the hopelessness, fear, and anger that once dwelled in my own parents. If I allow myself to, I begin to feel ashamed of what I did to my family. I have to remind myself that I am no longer inflicting this hell onto my parents and for this I am grateful. It does not make watching the suffering any easier and there are many episodes that leave me breathless and even hysterical sometimes. Yet I continue to watch.

Addiction--baffling and powerful rips through so many families--too many to actually be counted. It is a horrible disease in which everyone involved is emotionally, physically and spirituality ruined.

As I watch these hour long episodes I cry. I cry for me, for my family, for the families and addicts on the show. I cry for society as a whole. It seems like there is never an end to the misery. I am one of the fortunate to make my way out of the demonic, devastating cycle of drug addiction; I NEVER forget that.

The thing about using is that no matter how much I didn't want to use, I COULD NOT STOP! I loathed myself and what I was doing but no matter how many times I told myself I wasn't going to do it again--I always did it.

Now I cannot say for certain what made me stop. I didn't have one of those divine interventions or spiritual awakenings; I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't try and figure out the reasons I stopped, I just know that I did and this is enough for me. My heart breaks for those who have yet to stop.

I have a strange fascination with addiction. I earnestly read books about other addict's struggles and I watch countless shows on drugs and such. Maybe I do it to remind myself of where I came from, or maybe I do it because I love to watch the addicts who are getting high. As sick as it sounds, just watching someone shoot up is enough to make my mouth water and butterflies to erupt in my stomach. I sweat profusely while I stare into their eyes watching for the telltale sign that the dope has hit them. It is a "freebie" for me; I get to feel the high without having any of the negative consequences.

I wish that I could save every addict from the hell in which they are living, but I cannot. Only the addict can save themselves. No amount of coercion, begging, pleading or bargaining can do it. You must make the decision and stick by it no matter what happens. There can never be an excuse to use.

I've been asked if I could, would I change my past? I honestly do not think that I would. Being a drug addict taught me so much about life. I learned how to survive through the most destitute of situations. I learned the hard way that while at times life can be great, most times it is down right horrible. My struggle has made me who I am today, and the knowledge gives me the strength to go on from here.

Anyone who comes across this post: The next time you see a drug addict, whether it be in person or on a tv show, remember that these people were once innocent children themselves and they have lived things that you may never have been able to imagine. If you are someone who has faith, say a little prayer for the addicts that are still out there fighting their demons and for their families who are fighting their own.

Friday, October 23, 2009


I saw this and laughed out loud, very cute! Of course I'm imparshal to Halloween because it is my favorite of all the holidays! Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!
*After posting I noticed that you can't read the name tag on the mailbox; it says Peter Peter. Without this bit of info the joke can't be seen. Just wanted to let all you know this so you're not thinking I'm a retard, it actually is funny(all the "eaten" pumpkins on Peter Pumpkin Eater's doorstep)!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

If I Were a Frangrance

My funny friend Ron from over at Vent challenged my thinking cap with his recent post about if you were a frangrance what would it smell like and what would the name be?

I for some reason have been able to nothing else but ponder this question. Sometimes I am quite manic and have got to do something with my brain, the credit cards are all burned out so I needed a new outlet!

Anyways after much thought I've come up with this:
  1. I LOVE the smell of gasoline
  2. Tuesday mornings are most favorite shifts to work at the restaurant because it is MEATBALL DAY, they bake off all of the meatballs and that is all you can smell the entire day. That wonderful aroma smacks you right in the face the moment you walk into the door. Years ago when I was still drinking (like a fish), Tuesday mornings were my hangover shift and let me tell you those meatballs are a wonderful elixer for a hangover. Take one of those fresh, hot, from the oven balls and slap it between a hollowed out dinner roll, voila--Instant relief, heaven, etc
  3. I love the crisp, clean smell of fall
  4. The aromatic smell of premo dope cooking up is enough to make my skin crawl with anticipation; it reminds me of that incense they use at church

Okay so these are WEIRD combinations in themselves and I don't think they would make a great smelling perfume but whatever Ron asked!

Oh and no worries folks, I've stopped cooking up premo dope for about 3 years now, but the wondeful aroma of it is ingrained into my memory.

Now a name? Well because heroin kills, and if you continue to huff enough gasoline you're gonna destroy brain cells I guess I'd call this shitty smelling perfume...Suicide and the bottle would have to have a skull in cross bones!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Beautiful Autumn Day

Autumn is absolutely my favorite season! It brings back so many wonderful memories of childhood for me. We grew up in the city but fortunately our neighborhood was surrounded by lots of trees. My brother and I used to rake a big pile of them up and then jump into them covering eachother and laughing like fools. I just love the smell of fall; the drying leaves and just that crispness that is in the air! I still love to try and walk over every fallen leaf as I can, loving that crunchy sound beneath my feet. Although I know that winter will be here soon, I am reveling in the beautiful fall day we are having here in Pittsburgh. I wish that everyday could be this colorful, bright, and crisp! Yea if I could live somewhere where it was this kinda weather all the time I'd pack my bags immediately, no question about it!

Halloween is just around the corner, unfortunately I will be working that night and won't be able to pass out any candy, but I love it just the same. I secretely wished to have been born on Halloween so I could've had a costume party every year for my birthday, but alas it did not happen. Maybe I'll find that girl who loves the scary, hair-raising, fun day as much as me and we could have a spooky Halloween wedding?! That'd be awesome! I would be Medussa and adorn my red hair with hundreds of snakes, and wear a rocking dress and just have the time of our lives! Maybe someday...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Well I guess I'm feeling better. I don't have the urge to slit my wrists, so there's a positive! No but seriously it's pretty easy for me to fall into those dark moods and start feeling sorry for myself and all that crap. I've had this knack since I was just a young girl. My mother hated it and I think that's why I secretly did it for so long...just to drive her insane!

I had to work tonight and usually when I get "ready" for work I just throw on a little bit of makeup (it sweats off anyways) and tie my hair back in a school-girl ponytail. Since I was feeling so low today I forced myself to add a bit more makeup, I actually did my eyes for a change and my hair fell just right for once. It helped to lift my mood and when I put my big Jackie O sunglasses on I got quite a few head turns driving into work! I felt kinda sexy and aint felt that way in a long time; too long!

We had a decent dinner rush for a Monday, its all about whether the Steelers win on Sundays! I swear it is the truth, if they win we get busy but if they lose you can kiss the beginning of the week goodbye. These steeler fans are no joke, its really kinda of sadistic and stupid if you ask me. I'm a huge fan, believe me and of course I don't like to see them lose but it does NOT control my life! My dad and brother completely lose all hope when they lose, they scream at the tv, throw shit, pick fights with my mother, its all pretty juvenille and stupid.

So what I really wanted to mention was this saying we have at work called "THE KISS OF DEATH" and I received it tonight!

When you give outstanding service to a table and they take notice and say to you, "oh thank you everything was great and you were the best server we've ever had" this my friends is the Kiss of death. These complimentary customers are tipping you with their words, not with moola. It never ever fails. At some point I will wise up and when they start their swooning I swear I am booking it from the table. Noway, no more, I will not tolerate it anymore! If I was so great why in the hell are you leaving less than minimum gratuity? What the hell would you have left if I had sucked?

Another thing that PISSES me off: Those little Jesus books that people pass out. The one I got tonite was wrapped around a $5 bill so I wasn't as pissed as usual, but most of the time these "Christians" are leaving a Jesus will save you pamphlet in lieu of a tip! How god damn Christian is this I ask!?

Folks come on tip your server!

Monday, October 19, 2009


This is how I feel today on this drab, cold, dark Monday morning. I hate when we get a break from school because then I have nothing to do in the mornings but sit and think about how truly boring and alone I am. I'll feel better later, but for now I want to sit in my own shit and feel alone.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I am in LOVE, I think.

About 3 months ago we got a new waitress. The first time I met her I immediately thought she was gay. Not to sound stereotypical but she is plain; no make-up, man's watch, baggy pants, you get it. I was immediately attracted to her.

Now that we've been working together for a while, I've gotten to know her better, and I like what I see! The problem: She is NOT gay.

She is a great girl, she works hard, she has a college degree, she's funny, basically she is all I look for in a girlfriend, well minus the straight thing of course!

I can get over the fact that she isn't into women. What I cannot stand is that her "boyfriend" is an asshole. He got fired from his job over 2 months ago and is pretty much using her. Like I've told her a million times "you can struggle all by yourself". I don't think he really understands what he has. I would treat her so much better than he is.

Yea, I know I shouldn't be thinking this way but I cannot help it. Just the fact that I am interested in someone and could actually picture a relationship tells me that I am finally over the EX and am ready to move on and find the one for me.

It's a big step for me. The EX crushed me and I never thought I'd ever get over her, but like everyone told me, it happened.

So even though this little fantasy I have in my head will never happen, it's definately a start for me to fall in love again and I cannot wait to be giddy and stupid in love!