Today I'm feeling extremely sad and alone. I've had my feelings hurt more times that I can even put a number on and like everyone else I've been able to move past them. Which of course I'll be able to do with today's hurt but for a change I'm going to write about it. Who knows maybe it will help, can't hurt right??
I'll have to give a tiny back story on where I am in life at this time. I had moved back in with my parents over a year ago due to financial problems. I love my parents but living with them as an adult is difficult at times. I should maybe clarify, it's not my dad with whom I butt heads with, it's my mom. And truth be told I do love her and admire her for many reasons. That said, she can be hurtful with her words which I don't think she even realizes. But I certainly do.
Last week for instance I piece of mail came addressed to me and on the envelope it said "do not tamper with". There was no return address on it anywhere. As soon as I walked in the door she threw it at me and said " what the fuck kinda trouble are you in now ". I wasn't taken back by her choice of words, my mom could make a sailor blush, but I was taken back with the attitude she had. I opened the the damn thing and all it was was an advertisement for Kia Motors. I showed it to her and instead of saying sorry for accusing me of being "in trouble", her response was "well what the fuck do you expect me to think". I let it go and went upstairs to cry. I will never ever be more than a fuck-up junkie to her.
Today's hurt came from several text messages she received from my cousin. My cousin is a little flakey and even though I've given her my phone number a zillion times she always manages to call / text my mom's phone. This was yet another one of those times. My mom starts flipping out on me asking me what the fuck am I involved in now and why is Kristen texting my phone and blah, blah, blah. I told her I didn't know what was going on and that I'd once again call my cousin and give her my cell number. Of course that just wasn't enough for my mom. She continued to rant and rave and basically treat me like a piece of shit.
My mom left for the grocery store and I went up to talk to my dad. I was in tears and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He told me to get out of the house for a little bit and that he'd talk to her when she got home. Now I wasn't here when she came home so I can't say for certain what transpired between the two of them. I'm guessing it didn't go well because when I came in she looked me dead in the face and said, "what the fuck is your problem?". I tried to tell her that she had hurt my feelings by what she had said but she started mumbling something about her not having had said anything. A lost cause.
She just doesn't understand me. She never has and she never will. It saddens me that we'll never have that "relationship" I've always wanted us to have. I have to accept her for who she is and pray that one day she'll see the light. For now all I can do is try to let her words trickle off me and go on with my day.
I guess I feel a little better having put this all down on "paper" so if anyone happens to read it, thank you.