Have you ever had to confront someone who's really important to you? See there's this thing that happened many years ago that's been eating away at me. I kinda stuffed it down and forgot about it until recently when some events happened and now that festering wound is bringing all that nasty bile up with it. When I was using really heavily and my mom just couldn't take it anymore, she gave up. She thought that if she gave me an ultimatum, her or dope, that I'd chose her. That's not how drug addiction works.
She shut off all communication with me. We didn't talk at all. Never. Her and my father moved from the house I grew up in and I had no idea where they lived. I didn't have their phone number. I wasn't allowed to go to any family functions. Not Easter, not Christmas, funerals, not birthdays, nothing. I guess she thought she was helping me. You know tough love and that. But really it didn't help. I'm not saying that what she did was wrong but I'm not saying it was right either. All I'm saying is that it hurt.
Fast forward to present day, that's all behind us and I've never really told her how that made me feel. Like I said I just stuffed those feelings inside and tried to forget about them. But now with my brother relapsing again, that abandoned feeling has come back up. Why was it so easy to throw me away, forget that I existed? Why was it so easy to say you didn't have a daughter, and why is it so hard for her to not do it to him? He's always been her baby. That I can live with. But why can't she stop doing for him? Why can't she see that she's not helping him? She's enabling him. He fucks up again, but he goes into rehab and all is forgotten? Let's make sure he has cigarettes and spending money and rides to here and visits and telephone calls and and and. What the fuck?
Am I bitter? Yea I guess a little bit. It's a fucked up feeling to wonder why you could be tossed away and forgotten but at the same time, your brother gets doted on. Is it right? Who knows. I want to tell her how this all feels. I don't want to hurt her feelings though. My mother isn't one who can listen to critism or feelings for that matter. She'll just get all upset and then I'll have to apologize and walk around on egg shells. Augh! I just want her to know how bad she hurt me.
I'll probably never tell her. It's just how I am. I don't like confrontation and I especially don't like to be hurtful to other people. I just want her to get it. I want her to help him, not hurt him. He's never gonna get better if she continues to baby him. As much as I don't ever want to go back to being a junkie, it sure was easier to not have to think about all this crap.
Just feeling a little lost and a little betrayed.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Maybe I am just a giant baby, but I'm telling you my tooth hurts. I just came back from the dentist/rapist/sadist/robber to have my permanent crown put on. I believed that the worst was all behind me...the drilling, the awful cauterizing, burning smell, and the dreaded root canal. I thought this would be a piece of cake. Just open my mouth and he puts that new shiny white fake toothy thing onto my de-rooted stub. So why oh why does it hurt?
I'm telling you that dentist is out to fucking get me! I hate hate hate the dentist. I hate the sounds, the smells and of course the cost. What in the world cost so damn much? Did I by chance order one of those Nelli grillz when I was all doped up on the novacaine/vicodan coctail? Really $1000.00? And it HURTS!