When I first thought about creating a blog I was unsure of what I wanted to say. I knew that I wanted an outlet for all the crazy goings on at my waitressing job; I wanted a place to share these stories and hopefully make somebody laugh. I never really thought anybody would find my blog let alone follow it, or for that matter comment and enjoy it. But it seems that is what has happened. I know that in the blogging world I am quite new and I don't have as many followers as most. I'm ok with that. I never in a million years thought I'd have any followers; now I have 50!
I like that number. It's even and divisible by 5. It seems like a good number to round off to; it is half of 100 and there even is a bill of money in it's honor. 50. I like it.
I don't know where this post is really going to or what the hell it is I'm trying to say. I just felt some kind of way when I logged on this morning and saw that I had acquired some new tiny heads in the collection. I feel proud. I also feel like what the hell do these people see in this little blog of mine? I sometimes feel insubstantial to the other bloggers that I follow. It seems that they write about all sorts of things. I love each of the ones I follow for different reasons. Some of them are funny and some are poignant and brutally honest. I don't feel like I can even come close to their wityness or excellent writing. I just want to belong though and I guess I'm starting to feel that way. Maybe.
It's weird; my brain that is. The thoughts surrounding this post are jumbled and racing and I don't know in which direction I should go. But that's pretty much what my life is feeling like now too. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions. I don't feel grounded and I don't like feeling not grounded. It can be a pretty scary and rocky place for an addict.
How can I try and explain this place I'm in? Ok, try to imagine what it would feel like to be one of those mandarin oranges that are stuck in jello. They're just there; they're kinda just suspended in air but not really because they're surrounded by a sticky, gelatinous substance. If that makes any sense to you, that's kinda what I feel like right now. I am a semi-suspended mandarin orange in a sea of lime-green jello. By the way I hate fruit in my jello.