Saturday, October 31, 2009

...mY Speech

I posted the other day about the introductory speech that I have to deliver for my Oral Communications class on Monday, well here it is. Please someone read this and tell me what you think, I could really use some feedback!

Who am I? This question frightens me. I've been trying to find out who I am for many years. This journey of self-discovery has spanned over 3 decades and I think I have identified at least one facet of who I am; I AM a survivor.

The other parts that make me who I am come to me in spurts. Some days I think I know exactly who I am. It is these days that I strive for; I exude confidence, determination, knowledge and gratitude. It is on these days that I remember where I came from, but also WHERE I can go.

On the not so good days my perception of who I am is quite fuzzy. I become moody and withdrawn. These are the days that I allow the demon of my past to wake and manipulate my thoughts and beliefs. The feelings of inadequacy, ugliness, and unworthiness was over me and I become stuck in the monster of what I once was.

A mere 5 years ago I was a dirty, hopeless, fearful junkie. Heroin controlled my every thought; it controlled me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hated every fiber of my being and would pray to die.

I allowed that drug to destroy me and my family. There is a line in the Narcotics Anonymous text which reads, "We used to live and lived to use". There is no better way to describe a drug addiction. I could not function as a human being without injecting that poison into my veins. I loathed myself for what I was doing not only to myself but to my family as well, and yet I COULD NOT STOP. Daddy's little sugar bear had turned into an abomination, a dirty junkie living on the streets.

I won't go into the gory details but I will tell you this: That girl that was controlled by drugs is not the person you see before you today.

In remembering the hell I survived from, I have come to see who I am.

I am a 31 year old waitress, bound and determined to better myself. The words NO and CAN'T are not in my vocabulary. Against all odds I came back from the brink of death and do not intend on ever going back.

While getting clean, I recognize some goals I could set for myself. The first is to earn my associates degree. I WILL BE A COLLEGE GRADUATE.

I am pursuing a career in the field of medical coding. I WILL EARN MY CODING CERTIFICATE.

In closing I would like to answer a question that was asked of me many years ago: "What contribution would you like to make in our society that you hope will impact our future?"...

I have always secretly dreamed of becoming a published author. I would like one day to turn my story of adversity and strength into a book for others to read. If I could change just one person's destiny, I will have accomplished something.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Bottomless cups

I will enlighten you to one of the tables that I had to deal with tonight at work, just because I don't think it's quite fair to let these scumbags off that easy. The table consisted of 2 older couples who at the start proved to be pretentious assholes. When they were seated in my section, my table was the 3rd table that they were seated in. A little bit of musical chairs on a Thursday night! I knew I was in trouble when I approached the table and was completely ignored, HELLO THERE IS A HUMAN BEING STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU! When the did finally bless me with their acknowledgement the reply to my question of "what can I bring for you to drink" was huh?! Oh boy oh boy!

One of the women proceeds to order a glass of white zinfandel, (drink a real glass of wine!) with a slew of limes on the side and a glass of ice + a glass of luke warm tap water with an orange slice. Is she outta her mind? Lady we aren't running a fruit stand! I tell her we don't have oranges but I would be more than happy to put a lemon in her water (all the while gagging on my words) and she looks at me like I have 9 heads. No, she says, I don't like lemon. Fine whatever, I get the round of drinks and prepare myself for what is to come--pure hell!

After they consumed their meals, like any good waitress I asked if they would like desert and/or coffee. Yes we'd all like to have FRESH decaf (like I would possibly serve you old decaf, or perhaps regular in a decaf pot). Just a trick of the trade there folks! As I'm refilling their "fresh decafs" I cannot help but overhear their conversation. They are talking about someone, I'm assuming/hoping it isn't me. "Yes, she is JUST a waitress, she means NOTHING to me, she acts as if she's living in Fox Chapel (a ritzy part of the Burgh). mmmm, I am standing right there! Um hello, waitress here! Just then I happened to find that bottom to your bottomless cups of coffee!

Needless to say they didn't tip me appropriately, bastards! God I cannot wait until I can get the hell out of this business!

Hey folks, TIP your servers and for godsake be nice!

Monday, October 26, 2009


I am freaking out! I have an Oral Communications class this semester and we were told today that our first speach will be done sometime next week. I absolutely HATE public speaking. A few semesters ago I had to to a presentation on a research paper I wrote in my Psychology class. Although I did alright, the comment was made that I have the shakies hands ever. I used a power point and didn't think to ask someone to be my flicker so each time I had to turn the slide my hand would shake violently, enough that the instructor in the back of the room noticed!
Anyways we have to do an introduction speech about who we are and all that crap! I don't like talking about me, I don't have any problem with writing the speech it's the delivery that has me hyperventilating. I started to jot down some stuff while I was at work tonite (we were dead) but I think that I'm getting too personal. How much do I want to tell these people? I could care less what these 19 year old greenies have to say about me, so what am I so afraid of? The teacher told us that the number 1 fear of Americans is public speaking. Why is this?