Saturday, October 31, 2009
Who am I? This question frightens me. I've been trying to find out who I am for many years. This journey of self-discovery has spanned over 3 decades and I think I have identified at least one facet of who I am; I AM a survivor.
The other parts that make me who I am come to me in spurts. Some days I think I know exactly who I am. It is these days that I strive for; I exude confidence, determination, knowledge and gratitude. It is on these days that I remember where I came from, but also WHERE I can go.
On the not so good days my perception of who I am is quite fuzzy. I become moody and withdrawn. These are the days that I allow the demon of my past to wake and manipulate my thoughts and beliefs. The feelings of inadequacy, ugliness, and unworthiness was over me and I become stuck in the monster of what I once was.
A mere 5 years ago I was a dirty, hopeless, fearful junkie. Heroin controlled my every thought; it controlled me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hated every fiber of my being and would pray to die.
I allowed that drug to destroy me and my family. There is a line in the Narcotics Anonymous text which reads, "We used to live and lived to use". There is no better way to describe a drug addiction. I could not function as a human being without injecting that poison into my veins. I loathed myself for what I was doing not only to myself but to my family as well, and yet I COULD NOT STOP. Daddy's little sugar bear had turned into an abomination, a dirty junkie living on the streets.
I won't go into the gory details but I will tell you this: That girl that was controlled by drugs is not the person you see before you today.
In remembering the hell I survived from, I have come to see who I am.
I am a 31 year old waitress, bound and determined to better myself. The words NO and CAN'T are not in my vocabulary. Against all odds I came back from the brink of death and do not intend on ever going back.
While getting clean, I recognize some goals I could set for myself. The first is to earn my associates degree. I WILL BE A COLLEGE GRADUATE.
I am pursuing a career in the field of medical coding. I WILL EARN MY CODING CERTIFICATE.
In closing I would like to answer a question that was asked of me many years ago: "What contribution would you like to make in our society that you hope will impact our future?"...
I have always secretly dreamed of becoming a published author. I would like one day to turn my story of adversity and strength into a book for others to read. If I could change just one person's destiny, I will have accomplished something.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I will enlighten you to one of the tables that I had to deal with tonight at work, just because I don't think it's quite fair to let these scumbags off that easy. The table consisted of 2 older couples who at the start proved to be pretentious assholes. When they were seated in my section, my table was the 3rd table that they were seated in. A little bit of musical chairs on a Thursday night! I knew I was in trouble when I approached the table and was completely ignored, HELLO THERE IS A HUMAN BEING STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU! When the did finally bless me with their acknowledgement the reply to my question of "what can I bring for you to drink" was huh?! Oh boy oh boy!
One of the women proceeds to order a glass of white zinfandel, (drink a real glass of wine!) with a slew of limes on the side and a glass of ice + a glass of luke warm tap water with an orange slice. Is she outta her mind? Lady we aren't running a fruit stand! I tell her we don't have oranges but I would be more than happy to put a lemon in her water (all the while gagging on my words) and she looks at me like I have 9 heads. No, she says, I don't like lemon. Fine whatever, I get the round of drinks and prepare myself for what is to come--pure hell!
After they consumed their meals, like any good waitress I asked if they would like desert and/or coffee. Yes we'd all like to have FRESH decaf (like I would possibly serve you old decaf, or perhaps regular in a decaf pot). Just a trick of the trade there folks! As I'm refilling their "fresh decafs" I cannot help but overhear their conversation. They are talking about someone, I'm assuming/hoping it isn't me. "Yes, she is JUST a waitress, she means NOTHING to me, she acts as if she's living in Fox Chapel (a ritzy part of the Burgh). mmmm, I am standing right there! Um hello, waitress here! Just then I happened to find that bottom to your bottomless cups of coffee!
Needless to say they didn't tip me appropriately, bastards! God I cannot wait until I can get the hell out of this business!
Hey folks, TIP your servers and for godsake be nice!