It's been so long since I've been here that I honestly forgot how to log in to my blogger account! That's bad....bad blogger. But hey that's me...BAD. No I don't mean like Michael Jackson BAD, more like when some weirdo yells in the park, "BAD DOG". No not really like that at all, I don't know what I'm trying to say here folks. Maybe I'm just trying to win some of your attention back or maybe I'm just trying to spew this crap that's swimming around in my too full brain and my too empty heart. So much has been happening but really nothing is happening. Isn't life funny that way?

So it's been almost a year since I started my new job. I guess it's going ok. Somedays I don't feel quite as stupid as others so I guess we'll categorize that as progress. Office politics aren't all that different than restaurant politics... neither are fair and neither make much sense to me. I try and avoid all the backstabbing, gossipy, fat-ass women who are out to destroy everyone who comes in their path. I'm a loner and I somedays I'm proud of that and somedays not so much. Thank God I only half a half hour lunch. It's pretty difficult to pretend to talk on a cell phone for 30 minutes so nobody thinks you're a loser since you're sitting there all alone with your pb&j.

In case you can't read between the lines here; I'm lonely. And bored. And lonely. So I did sign up for a noncredit writing class at the community college but it was canceled. That sucked, I was really looking forward to using my brain for good instead of for denying elderly people their right to medical care. But summer is just around the corner and I'm hoping the sunshine will not only brighten the days but my mood as well. I hate when I get like this but after all these years I'm tired of fighting it too. What's the point really?

I'm down to 20mg of methadone and that probably has a pretty big effect on this dark mood of mine. But I'm happy to be almost done with that place. I've had the same therapist for almost 3 years there and I wasn't all that thrilled with her on day 1 so imagine how not thrilled I am with here on day 984! She's one of those "I'm gonna save every drug addict that walks through my door" superhero kind of rich upper class college girl. She needs some bitterness. A few of her clients need to overdose. Need to die. Need to be put in prison. Then she'll be a better therapist.

I'm not reading this before I hit the publish post button cause if I do I'm almost positive I'll edit the crap out of it. It's a whole lotta bitchin in one little post aint it? So anyways here goes....

I REFUSE to let myself get all fat and squishy

So as you all know I recently changed careers. I was a skinny little waitress for 20 years and now that I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, let's just say the weight has caught up with me. I'm no porko, but seriously my jeans are a little too snug for my liking. Plus now that I can't bank on making $400 in CASH this week, who can afford a new wardrobe? Certainly not me.

I work for a health insurance company and they offer all kinds of discounts and reward programs for "living a healthy lifestyle". Ok so I'm not stupid...their um discounts include making everyone succumb to these awful, embarrasing tests. I was cool with the blood work, checking my cholesterol and triglycerides but when the nurse pulled out a measuring tape, I got a little uncomfortable. "What's that for" I asked. The nurse kinda chuckled and explained that my company, who's looking out for my best interest (actually they're looking for the loophole to legally charge overweight/obese people more for their insurance benefits) would like to know my waist measurements. What can you do?

So anyways, I've "passed" 3 of the 5 required tests so that my premium won't increase by $600 this year, just $300 because I'm godforbid a smoker. Legal discrimination is what I call it.

I decided to take some action on my ever increasing waistband...I joined a gym. Gasp! I've never had to work out ever before in my life. Work used to be a workout for me. I used to punch in and run my ass off for 8 or so hours. Now, I sit. And I sit. And then I sit some more. So I did it, I actually got out of my comfort zone and admitted to another human (atleast I think he was human, his muscles were popping out all over the place, he actually looked a bit fake to me) that I am unhappy with my body and I'd like to do something about it.

God, what the hell did I get myself into? I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in this place. I don't have my official "assessment" till tomorrow but I figured this morning that I could just go to said gym and start Thanksgiving off on a healthy note. So I walk in and go up to one of the treadmills. I don't know what all those buttons are for or what they do, I just starting pressing them and off I went. I'm walking somewhere close to snail speed and the woman next to me is running on this thing like the fucking cops are chasing her! I swear I felt like the biggest loser there ever was. It will get better...I hope anyway. I'm gonna do it, I'll stick with it and maybe someday I'll be runnin from the cops on a treadmill too!

S.W.F.

I feel like a little school girl! I have a major crush on someone that I work with. She is my mentor; meaning she's a senior processor that I go to with questions about claims and things like that. Did you ever have a crush on someone you know you just can't have? Well if you've never been there; let me tell you, it is no fun!

I know this woman is in no way shape or form a lesbian but that doesn't make me want her any less. She's smart, she's funny, and she's really good at her job. She helps me everyday and always has a lot of great advise and is supportive of me in this new career.

It is time; oh my God is it time! I've been single now for close to 3 years and I don't want to be alone anymore. So where do you meet people? Got me, I'm not really a drinker and the bar scene ain't for me. I tried the free internet dating sites but nothing really has ever panned out. I was thinking about putting a personal ad in one of the city papers but that's kinda scary. I guess though if I want to find someone worth my time, I'm gonna have to get outside of my comfort zone to find her.

Where are all the good looking, smart, funny, hard-working, intelligent, soft, caring lesbians?