Friday, March 6, 2015


I have decided that it's time to quit smoking. With that said I gotta tell you I'm scared shitless!
I've been smoking since I was12 years old. That's a long time. I just know that if I don't do it now I'm going to pay for it in the end.
My dad had a nearly fatal heart attck, my mom almost stroked out and my grandma had lung cancer. So needless to say I have a family history going on.
I'm gonna try the patches. My stubborn ass mother quit cold turkey but I don't have that in me. So when this carton is gone that's it! I'm not only doing this for health reasons, it's just too damn expensive.
wish me luck along with anyone I happen to encounter in the next few months!!! I'm gonna be miserable.
HERE Goes nothing!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Feelings of HURT

Today I'm feeling extremely sad and alone. I've had my feelings hurt more times that I can even put a number on and like everyone else I've been able to move past them. Which of course I'll be able to do with today's hurt but for a change I'm going to write about it. Who knows maybe it will help, can't hurt right??

I'll have to give a tiny back story on where I am in life at this time. I had moved back in with my parents over a year ago due to financial problems. I love my parents but living with them as an adult is difficult at times. I should maybe clarify, it's not my dad with whom I butt  heads with, it's my mom. And truth be told I do love her and admire her for many reasons. That said, she can be hurtful with her words which I don't think she even realizes. But I certainly do.

Last week for instance I piece of mail came addressed to me and on the envelope it said "do not tamper with". There was no return address on it anywhere. As soon as I walked in the door she threw it at me and said " what the fuck kinda trouble are you in now ". I wasn't taken back by her choice of words, my mom could make a sailor blush, but I was taken back with the attitude she had. I opened the the damn thing and all it was was an advertisement for Kia Motors. I showed it to her and instead of saying sorry for accusing me of being "in trouble", her response was "well what the fuck do you expect me to think". I let it go and went upstairs to cry. I will never ever be more than a fuck-up junkie to her.

Today's hurt came from several text messages she received from my cousin. My cousin is a little flakey and even though I've given her my phone number a zillion times she always manages to call / text my mom's phone. This was yet another one of those times. My mom starts flipping out on me asking me what the fuck am I involved in now and why is Kristen texting my phone and blah, blah, blah. I told her I didn't know what was going on and that I'd once again call my cousin and give her my cell number. Of course that just wasn't enough for my mom. She continued to rant and rave and basically treat me like a piece of shit. 

My mom left for the grocery store and I went up to talk to my dad. I was in tears and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He told me to get out of the house for a little bit and that he'd talk to her when she got home. Now I wasn't here when she came home so I can't say for certain what transpired between the two of them. I'm guessing it didn't go well because when I came in she looked me dead in the face and said, "what the fuck is your problem?". I tried to tell her that she had hurt my feelings by what she had said but she started mumbling something about her not having had said anything. A lost cause. 

She just doesn't understand me. She never has and she never will. It saddens me that we'll never have that "relationship" I've always wanted us to have. I have to accept her for who she is and pray that one day she'll see the light. For now all I can do is try to let her words trickle off me and go on with my day. 

I guess I feel a little better having put this all down on "paper" so if anyone happens to read it, thank you.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Random thoughts on a gloomy Saturday....

Well I can't remember whether or not I've posted about my job offering me a work from home position or not but in case I haven't...they did. Which by the way I am absolutely thrilled about, I cannot wait til everything is in order and I can start my workday without ever having to leave my house. That means no more having to clean the snow and ice from the car; which if I'm being honest, what I really do is go down and start my car and let it run for like 20 minutes until most of winter's "beautiful" gift has mostly melted away on its own! Geez that alone will save me hundreds of dollars in gas a year, I just absolutely, positively HATE the cold.

I'm not sure when this will happen but in the mean time they've started a pilot program which is allowing us to do our overtime for home. We don't use those big towers/hard drives anymore. We use something called a "virtual machine" which don't even bother asking... no freaking clue what it is. All I know is that it's like 10 times smaller than those tower things and that's about it. But the really cool thing about this thing is, I can somehow log into it using my laptop at home. I printed out the "instructions" on Friday which by the way was 25 pages long and thought to myself, "you may as well forget it, you'll never in a million years be able to figure this out". But to my total shock I was able to do it! Go me!!!!! I almost hit the floor when I figured out that I did it successfully. Me and technology are not the best of friends. But I like totally kicked ass today by installing this thing. So from now until I get sent home to work permanently I'll be able to work overtime from home. This is awesome for me because I don't usually work much OT because once quitting time rolls around my brain has turned to mush and I am so anxious that I'm ready to jump out of my own skin. This way I'll be able to take a break from it maybe take a little nap and then I can just log back on when I want and work another hour or 2 or whatever. I'm pretty sure I can work til like 9 p.m. With the holidays fast approaching I could really use the money so this will work out pefectly for me. Plus, I have got to get some serious cash stashed away and get my own place again.

Don't get me wrong I adore my parents but living with my mother as an adult is difficult to say the least. Christ almighty she didn't pay this much attention to me when I was 14! Now she wants to know where I'm going, who I'm going with and what time I plan on being home. And godforbid that I'm not home at the time I had said, she practically blows my phone up looking for me. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if she called upon the National Guard to go and look for my ass! Granted I gave the woman absolute hell when I was in my addiction but I've been behaved for a significant time now but she still has no trust at all in me.

She can be down right mean at times. For an example, on Friday a letter came in the mail for me the other day and the envelope ra stamp on it that said "do not tamper with" and had some kind of government looking insignia on it. There was no return address on it either. She literally flings it at me and says "what kind of trouble are you in now?" to which I reply, nothing I'm not in any trouble. I open the letter and here all it is is an advertisement for Kia Motor Company. I hand it to her and was like see, why do you always have to go there. Instead of apologizing she said something like, well how do you expect me to react? I was so fucking heartbroken that I ran up to my room and just cried. I'll never to anything more than a piece of shit junkie in her eyes. That hurts. I would just for once like to hear her say to me, that she's proud of me. I know I can't change who she is or any of the things that go through her mind. I know I can't blame her in a way but I just wish that she'd seem for who I am today and not the monster I once was.

I think this post is going to end up being much longer than I intended but there's been something major going on in my life that I can't say out loud to anyone. My very best friend in the world is incarcerated as I'm writing this, and he's still got about a year left to do. He actually ended up getting a great offer through the DA which I believe is going to save his life. My friend who'll I'll refer to for all intents purposes will be MCH. We met around 2 to 3 years ago and just immediately hit it off. I swear if I wasn't gay he would be my husband! We did actually give a romantic relationship a try for a while but I could not keep lying to myself and it wasn't fair to him either. I thought that when I had to give him the "breakup speech" MCH would hate me and we'd never speak again... so not the case. He completely understood and there were no hard feelings from either side. He is such an awesome guy. Anyways we have been writing these incredibly deep and honest letters while he's been away. We've gotten to know eachother on such an incredibly honest level that it actually amazes me. I have found my male soul mate. We're closer now than ever. MCH and I met while we were both using and although our relationship was "founded" on being junkies together we have always had a special connection. Well through our letters I found out that when he was married he had wanted children but his wife was just beginning her career in law and had no interest in starting a family. This broke his heart; he had always pictured himself a father but had given up on the idea even after they had been divorced.

I have always dreamed of being a mother and well I guess you can tell where this is headed - once gets out and we establish some serious boundaries, we are going to have a baby together! This is a huge commitment I know so I'm not jumping in without the two of us having several serious conversations but I'm going to get ( hopefully ) what I've always wanted - a beautiful, precious child with a man I admire and who will be a wonderful father. What more could I ask for?