Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I am going to start journaling again.
When I got clean the first time I had this amazing therapist who told me to journal all of my feelings and everything I did daily. I didn't understand why I should do this at the time, but man let me tell you, after just a few months I was journaling like an old pro. I really got in tune with myself and I loved it.
I don't know why I ever stopped doing it. Laziness. Life. What have you, but I am going to try it again. Now I have to decide whether I want to just keep this personal and do it the old fashion way; pen and paper; or do I want to put it on here? What is a girl to do?
Oh, before I forget I wanted to let everyone who can read: You MUST read this book:
"Handle With Care" by Jodi Picoult
I read it in 2 days, it was the best book I've ever read. It was one of those books that when you start it you can not put it down no matter what is happening! It was definately a page turner. I found myself crying and laughing with the characters. There are times in the book when I wanted to scream at certain characters. I could empathize and at times I disagreed. Seriously if you're looking for a great read try it out, it is a Great book.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
- When you meet that one person and you just know you're gonna fall head over heels for.
- When I wake up and breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to go in search of the dope man today.
- When a friend calls and brightens my day.
- When I'm all curled up cozy and comfy and my pain in the ass cat curls up in my lap and purrs away.
- Watching babies sleep and smelling them too, oh and their little baby toes; I just love baby toes!
- Having a great idea and being able to put it into words.
- I'm stealing this from Gavin; but an "old fashion" hand written note; I love getting letters/cards in the mail.
There are tons more but Sunday is my brain's day off and I don't want to mess up the schedule; it could end up backfiring on me. So what are some of yours?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Holy Crap! Yesterday brought a big bundle of Christmas joy to a chinese couple; the poor woman gave birth to a 15lb, 1' baby boy on christmas eve! Ladies can you even wrap your head around that? I am hoping for this poor woman's sake she had a C-section and didn't have to deliver that sack of potatoes vaginally!
Friday, December 25, 2009
I am sitting here on Christmas morning, 2009 watching the Today show, enjoying my coffee and thinking ahead to the wonderful day I'll be spending with my family, when Anne reports a story about the Pope. I was barely paying attention, sipping coffee and smoking a cigarette, then I heard "the pope is doing fine today after last's night assault". WTF? Who in the hell assaults the most Holy man on the planet? I wasn't sure I heard correctly so pushed the cat off of my lap and turned the volume up on the tv, waiting for the Today show to repeat the report.
Sure as shit, that's what Anne had said; a "mentally-unstable" woman leaped over several people into the center aisle and took down the pope like a WWF wrestler. What in the world? I don't claim to be religious but seriously what vendetta could this woman have against Mr. Pope? Then I heard that this same woman tried to dropkick the Pope last year as well, but I'm assuming she didn't get to actually do it. What a crazy fucked up world we live in, when the Pope is assaulted during a Christmas Eve mass. I feel bad for humanity today.
Christmas isn't about presents, and trees, and miseltoe; Christmas is about the rebirth of spirituality. Today hold your loved ones close and remember the true meaning of Christmas, and pray for the crazy lady who attacked the damn Pope!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I DID IT, WHOO WHOO!
I am an official extern for a medical office! I couldn't be more elated if they were paying me! Oh wait, I think being paid would actually make me explode my guts everywhere, but hey a girl can't be picky!
No but seriously I am thrilled to have gotten the job. I really think I'll learn a lot there. The people seem really cool and sarcastic just like me; I think I'm gonna fit right in. The doctor was really cool too; not at all what I expected a doctor to be like. He actually called some of his patients "weirdos", yep this is gonna be great!
Everything was going well, I made eye contact, maintained a smile, was polite, firm handshake, blah blah blah, and then the interviewer hit me with this: "so you'll mostly be in the back of the office and perform patient care". Um, what? Apparently the interviewer didn't completely read my resume, because I am not a medical assistant, I am an administrator. She felt awful that she brought me in for no reason really, but hey it's cool. If anything it gave me a chance to get over the initial stage fright and they say to always take any interview you can, practice makes perfect!
I have another interview this afternoon but I am not really all that interested. I say that only because I've talked with the office manager and she's told me that they don't do any of their billing and coding, it gets sent out to a private company. Augh, doesn't any doctor's office to their own coding? How am I ever going to get to see it done live and in person? Just a little frustrated over here!
I'm not gonna bitch and moan and after all is said and done if the only externship I can get doesn't allow me to do any coding, well then I guess I will have to take it anyway and hope for the best.
On a good note; Man I clean up nice, I look GREAT in my professional business suit! Not too shabby for a pasta slinging burnedoutw8ress!
Monday, December 14, 2009
I wonder if in 17 years from now I will be calling myself burnedoutmedicalcoderwhomakesatonofmoney? Just sayin'
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It was a veryvery slow night and at 10 my boss told me and the other server we could leave (we close at 11) whoo whoo an early night, now I can get some work done on the paper I am writing for class and actually get an extra hour of sleep. Wait not so fast, I had a table that had been done eating for atleast half an hour, but they were having a "meeting" isn't that what conference rooms and offices are for? So as I'm giving them the evil waitress eye don't you know that another table walks in off the street! Damn it all to hell!
It's 10:30 and I could've been home half hour ago but whatever. This couple seems to notice their surroundings and asks me if it's too late to get something to eat. I try in my most sincerest voice to not tell them to get the fuck outta here! They were very conscious of the fact that it was late and they said that they wouldn't keep me they were gonna eat and run. Ok.
Don't you know like 3 minutes after the new couple sits down, my other table is ready to leave! Damn it if they would'a just left 10 minutes ago all would be well with the world, but no such luck.
So I serve the couple and expect that since it is now 11:15 and they are the only people in the place and they said they'd be fast, they'd be leaving. Nope!
These fuckers continuted to sit there until 11:45, an hour and 45 minutes after the fact that I couldve been showered, studied, and in bed! I hate people!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
I of course have to make a joke about a serious problem I am having as a result of the medicine I must take to remain sober. I'm talking of course about methadone, which I take to be able to function without heroin.
I am grateful to methadone for saving my life and getting me to stop shooting dope but the side effects are gruesome! The biggest problem that methadone or opiate users for that matter, face is severe constipation. I experienced this when I was still using dope but whenever I felt the rumbling feelings of gas bubbles I'd just do another bag and those pesky pains would go away.
I am now not so lucky! There are times when I can't go for days. And I mean days. days. and days. It hurts to say the least.
I was in so much pain that I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to go the emergency room. Let me remind you that I am one of 50 million Americans who is UNINSURED, but I had to go. Talk about being embarrased; I wanted to crawl into a hole and die rather than tell the admitting nurse what brought me in to the hospital. I sucked it up and told and 2 hours later I got to see the doctor. All they could really do for me is give me an enema. Gross. That is all I have to say about that. But I felt better...until I got the bill: $425 for a freakin enema. Seriously you can buy a fleet enema at Rite Aid for about a buck!
I take an array of stomach/bowel meds daily: Miralax, laxatives, stool softners, fiber, fiber, fiber, water and more fiber. Yet I still get debilitating pains. I don't understand it and I can't stand it anymore.
I know that the easiest solution would be to just get off the methadone, but that scares me. What will happen. I am running myself ragged with school full-time and working full-time and I'm just afraid that if I get off meth I'll give in to cravings and exhaustion. That has been my problem every single time I get clean, I get tired and weak and I succumb to the evils of heroin.
For now I guess the best I can do is suck up the pain.
Ok maybe that was saying too much! But if you have the chance to see these high kicking, dancing machines do NOT hesitate! Someday I would love to get up to New York City to see them perform at their home stage but believe me Pittsburgh's production was spectacular.
If I had to choose a favorite scene it would have to be the wooden soldiers. I can't even imagine how many hours of rehearsals these girls go through to get it just right. Everyone is in unison and they have to be all stiff like soldiers and then fall into eachother, it is just great! I felt like a little kid again and I guess that's what Christmas is all about!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Annie the movie was on tv this morning as I flipped through the channels and I just had to watch it. This was my favorite movie as a kid; I used to want to be Annie. Well minus the orphan thing and the big red afro!
When I turned the movie on it was the part when Daddy Warbuck's decides to take her to the movies. I never thought about it much as a kid but that guy rented out the whole 8'oclock show at Radio City Music Hall; that must've cost him a small fortune! Guess that's why they called him Mr. Warbuck's!
My absolute favorite character is Ms. Hannigan; Carol Burnette was hysterical in that part! I love that she was a drunk who was taking care of all these unfortuante orphans and she was IN LOVE with Mr. Bundles the drycleaning guy!
Anyways as I'm watching I can help but to start sobbing like a little girl! What the hell is this all about? It just brought back memories of childhood and my parents and stuff. I'm a bit sentimental with all that's going on with my dad losing his job. So there I am, 31 years old watching Annie and crying like a dope!
Why can't I be 8 years old again when everything was so much simplier? I appreciate the fact that my parents trust me enough and acknowledge that I'm an adult to tell me about the situation, but how I wish I could be their "little" naive girl again!
I know that somehow everything is going to work out for them and maybe it's truly a blessing in disguise, but I am scared. My parents have always been my pillar of security and I only wish that I could be theirs in return.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I wanted to post about Thanksgiving of course but I had to do something different, so I choose this picture because it reminds me of family and growth and being grateful and life and other such thanksgiving themes.
I would like to say that I am so grateful to have grown up in a two-parent home where morals and values were bestowed upon me. My mother worked evenings as a waitress but always found the time to cook us dinner EVERYDAY. She packed school lunches, made us breakfast and also helped to support our family financially. My father worked during the day and when we he got home from work would heat up the home cooked meal my mother had worked so hard on before she had to leave for work. That is what a family means to me: everybody working together to get things done.
Growing up I was the only kid who's parents were married to eachother and lived in the same household. I couldn't understand why none of my friends were around on the weekends. I know it now but then it just didn't make sense to me. My parents are the two most important people in my life. They taught me that while life may and most of the time be unfair and grueling if you stick it out together, things can and will get better.
So on this day of Thanks I'd like to acknowledge my wonderful, supportive and still married parents who have shown me more love than anyone else in this world. I love both of you dearly.
Happy Thanksgiving Blogosphere!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I am an avid reader and at the moment can't find anything to read! So anyone have any suggestions?
I like to read biographies, memoirs, fiction and the classics as well. NO romance or sci-fi.
burnedout with nothin to read!
I am HaPpIeR than a pig in shit today!
I'm still on a high from my awesome weekend at work! This is a rare statement that I actually get to make about my job as a waitress, but no less true for today anyways. Business was BOOMING this whole weekend and it carried into Monday for me as well. Thank God; I was really starting to think about prostitution as a way to supplement my income!
I love when I am reminded of how good I am at what I do.
Last night was a flashback of sorts to when I first began this hectic career as a Super Waitress. We were busy but everything ran smoothly. Tables got sat at just the right times, food came out of the kitchen promptly and correctly and customers were NICE, APPRECIATIVE, and COMPENSATING APPROPRIATELY! Pardon me and my use of all caps, I don't know another way to express my happiness on this here internet!
My grand mood has carried over to today as well, boy I must be on a streak of good luck! I aced my sociology exam today, I finally understand how to add and subtract fractions (don't laugh, you try and do it without a calculator after 15 years!) and I am off work until Friday. What more can I ask for?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
He said to me that he has something very important he needs to discuss with me, um ok daddy what's going on? The jist is this:
The company that my father has worked for for the last 34 years held a meeting this past week and told him and the other employees that they will be moving but they're not sure when and they will hope to be able to tell the employees by January. I am speechless.
My dad doesn't know whether or not he will have a job.
I am floored and tears are welling up in my eyes. You know what my wonderful rock of a father tells me:
"I will make it through this".
The strength that eminates from my father is unfreaking believable. He is such a quiet and serene man. "Such is life" he tells me. He is the rock that holds my family together. I use to think it was my mother, who by the way is freaking out (and rightfully so) but no it is my dad, definately. He has this kind of courage that you just don't see anymore. I love that man to pieces.
As we were hanging up he tells me that he is gonna get all his ducks in a row and whatever happens, happens. He is not bitter, he's not freaking out, kicking or screaming, crying, No he's getting their finances straight and looking at options and talking about a future. He is my hero today and I only wish to have half of his strength.
I love my parents and I am scared for them. I know this is happening to Americans all over the country, but that doesn't offer any comfort. What is happening to our country? People who work hard all thier lives and do the right thing are getting shit on and I for one am sick of it.
I am by no means a religious person, so I'll ask you folks if you could, would you send some positive thoughts my family's way?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The other day I had to make an excursion to a part of town I rarely get to see; Oakland. Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with Pittsburgh, Oakland is home to dozens of hospitals, colleges and of course The University of Pittsburgh's main campus. The campus sprawls over most of the cement landscape of the neighborhood.
As I stepped off of that bus it felt as though I was being transported to another place in time; a place that I could have and should have been. I walked through the maze of beaten pathways and allowed myself to fantasize that I was one of the lucky students who attended this college.
I pictured myself as one of those scholarly types; backpack strewn across one shoulder, open text book in the other as I casually make my way between classes, smoking a cigarette and enjoying a double latte, extra foam. I swear to you I could feel the intelligence in the air, I could smell the debates brewing amongst students, and I could hear the lecturing of a well-known professor. I suddenly very much needed it to be real; I have this great desire to be a student at a University now.
I can't help but wonder that if my life hadn't turned the corner it did, would I have gotten the chance to be one of these students here or maybe somewhere in Boston? The bigger question I asked myself was that if I had had that chance would I have felt the same admiration and appreciated it the way I did right now? Would I have even took notice of the sprawling campus or the architecture of the old buildings around me? Would I have loved my experience or would I have thrown it all away?
I would have probably ended up wasting a ton of my parents money and a lot of my time. Life happens for a reason. So I didn't get the chance to go off to some great college then, but if I play my cards right I could one day end up walking those paths as an official student, right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I would like to take a moment to thank each and every veteran and active military member for your selfless service to our country.
My father is a Vietnam Veteran. I don't know much about his tour, but the stuff he has shared with me is enough to know that I could not have done what they did. No amount of words can truly express my gratitude and love for my father as a soldier. He was a young man of 18 when he was shipped thousands of miles away to a jungle he knew nothing of. My father had lost his own father a mere 4 years before he left for Vietnam. Maybe he was searching for him. Maybe my dad was searching for himself.
Growing up with a Vet for a dad I learned early on to respect soldiers everywhere by thanking them whenever and where ever I run into them. Whether we were in the grocery store or the mall, when my father saw a fellow soldier he always approached them and said his thank you's. I am ashamed to admit this but when I was younger this act embarrassed me and I thought my dad was a strange man. On this day of rememberance I realize that my father is not strange my father is a respectful, loving, devoted soldier who is still trying to heal his wounds.
Please take a minute out of what is left this Veteran's Day to say thank you to the men and women who are giving their lives for our freedom.
Gavin deemed me worthy of an award, GO ME & Gavin too! His writing is really worth checking out, becasue: (a.) its fantastic style and (b.) it is totally 100% honest! Click here to catch a glimpse of this wonderful writer insanitysmusings.blogspot.com. Thank you Gavin for thinking of me!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
We discussed addiction and both know that people have misconceptions about what/who addicts are, together we hope that this interview will shed some light on the subject. Feel free to comment both here and on Ron's blog, and without further ado, I give you Ron from vent ...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A few months ago there was a sign on our cooler door. Now I've got to set this up properly in order for you to get a good glimpse into the sadistic mind of my boss. This cooler is actually one of those walk-in types that he so funnily refers to as the walking cooler. So on the door of so called walking cooler there was a huge piece of ripped carboard held on with grey duck tape which read:
TO THE MUTHERFUCKER WHO IS DRINKING MY CHOCOLATE MILK
Notice that motherfucker is spelled wrong!
My aunt's workplace also enjoyed a politically correct sign in their bathroom which read:
TO WHOMEVER IS WRITING WITH FECES ON THE LADIES ROOM WALL....
So I was interested in finding out what your stories are?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming domestic urge. At the time I didn't quite understand what it was that was driving me to clean and cook so early on a Sunday morning, so I just went with it. As I was putting together the ingredients to make my grandmother's tomato sauce I remembered: It is my ex's birthday today.
Aha, that's why I am feeling this way. I used to perform all those wifely duties; cooking, cleaning,nuturing, and I realized: I miss them.
I was stirring up more than just herbs and spices. Memories of our life together swirled around my brain and I just couldn't help myself; I started to cry. I miss her.
I know in my head that things are over between us, but if someone could let my heart know that maybe I'd be able to remember the devastation that she caused me.
Well all the cooking I am doing this morning won't go to waste anyways and I love the smell permeating through the apartment! My grandma used to tell me that she put her heart and soul into her special tomato sauce and I finally understand what she meant by that.
Anyone like a little heart and soul?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Who am I? This question frightens me. I've been trying to find out who I am for many years. This journey of self-discovery has spanned over 3 decades and I think I have identified at least one facet of who I am; I AM a survivor.
The other parts that make me who I am come to me in spurts. Some days I think I know exactly who I am. It is these days that I strive for; I exude confidence, determination, knowledge and gratitude. It is on these days that I remember where I came from, but also WHERE I can go.
On the not so good days my perception of who I am is quite fuzzy. I become moody and withdrawn. These are the days that I allow the demon of my past to wake and manipulate my thoughts and beliefs. The feelings of inadequacy, ugliness, and unworthiness was over me and I become stuck in the monster of what I once was.
A mere 5 years ago I was a dirty, hopeless, fearful junkie. Heroin controlled my every thought; it controlled me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hated every fiber of my being and would pray to die.
I allowed that drug to destroy me and my family. There is a line in the Narcotics Anonymous text which reads, "We used to live and lived to use". There is no better way to describe a drug addiction. I could not function as a human being without injecting that poison into my veins. I loathed myself for what I was doing not only to myself but to my family as well, and yet I COULD NOT STOP. Daddy's little sugar bear had turned into an abomination, a dirty junkie living on the streets.
I won't go into the gory details but I will tell you this: That girl that was controlled by drugs is not the person you see before you today.
In remembering the hell I survived from, I have come to see who I am.
I am a 31 year old waitress, bound and determined to better myself. The words NO and CAN'T are not in my vocabulary. Against all odds I came back from the brink of death and do not intend on ever going back.
While getting clean, I recognize some goals I could set for myself. The first is to earn my associates degree. I WILL BE A COLLEGE GRADUATE.
I am pursuing a career in the field of medical coding. I WILL EARN MY CODING CERTIFICATE.
In closing I would like to answer a question that was asked of me many years ago: "What contribution would you like to make in our society that you hope will impact our future?"...
I have always secretly dreamed of becoming a published author. I would like one day to turn my story of adversity and strength into a book for others to read. If I could change just one person's destiny, I will have accomplished something.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I will enlighten you to one of the tables that I had to deal with tonight at work, just because I don't think it's quite fair to let these scumbags off that easy. The table consisted of 2 older couples who at the start proved to be pretentious assholes. When they were seated in my section, my table was the 3rd table that they were seated in. A little bit of musical chairs on a Thursday night! I knew I was in trouble when I approached the table and was completely ignored, HELLO THERE IS A HUMAN BEING STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU! When the did finally bless me with their acknowledgement the reply to my question of "what can I bring for you to drink" was huh?! Oh boy oh boy!
One of the women proceeds to order a glass of white zinfandel, (drink a real glass of wine!) with a slew of limes on the side and a glass of ice + a glass of luke warm tap water with an orange slice. Is she outta her mind? Lady we aren't running a fruit stand! I tell her we don't have oranges but I would be more than happy to put a lemon in her water (all the while gagging on my words) and she looks at me like I have 9 heads. No, she says, I don't like lemon. Fine whatever, I get the round of drinks and prepare myself for what is to come--pure hell!
After they consumed their meals, like any good waitress I asked if they would like desert and/or coffee. Yes we'd all like to have FRESH decaf (like I would possibly serve you old decaf, or perhaps regular in a decaf pot). Just a trick of the trade there folks! As I'm refilling their "fresh decafs" I cannot help but overhear their conversation. They are talking about someone, I'm assuming/hoping it isn't me. "Yes, she is JUST a waitress, she means NOTHING to me, she acts as if she's living in Fox Chapel (a ritzy part of the Burgh). mmmm, I am standing right there! Um hello, waitress here! Just then I happened to find that bottom to your bottomless cups of coffee!
Needless to say they didn't tip me appropriately, bastards! God I cannot wait until I can get the hell out of this business!
Hey folks, TIP your servers and for godsake be nice!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I for some reason have been able to nothing else but ponder this question. Sometimes I am quite manic and have got to do something with my brain, the credit cards are all burned out so I needed a new outlet!
Anyways after much thought I've come up with this:
- I LOVE the smell of gasoline
- Tuesday mornings are most favorite shifts to work at the restaurant because it is MEATBALL DAY, they bake off all of the meatballs and that is all you can smell the entire day. That wonderful aroma smacks you right in the face the moment you walk into the door. Years ago when I was still drinking (like a fish), Tuesday mornings were my hangover shift and let me tell you those meatballs are a wonderful elixer for a hangover. Take one of those fresh, hot, from the oven balls and slap it between a hollowed out dinner roll, voila--Instant relief, heaven, etc
- I love the crisp, clean smell of fall
- The aromatic smell of premo dope cooking up is enough to make my skin crawl with anticipation; it reminds me of that incense they use at church
Okay so these are WEIRD combinations in themselves and I don't think they would make a great smelling perfume but whatever Ron asked!
Oh and no worries folks, I've stopped cooking up premo dope for about 3 years now, but the wondeful aroma of it is ingrained into my memory.
Now a name? Well because heroin kills, and if you continue to huff enough gasoline you're gonna destroy brain cells I guess I'd call this shitty smelling perfume...Suicide and the bottle would have to have a skull in cross bones!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Autumn is absolutely my favorite season! It brings back so many wonderful memories of childhood for me. We grew up in the city but fortunately our neighborhood was surrounded by lots of trees. My brother and I used to rake a big pile of them up and then jump into them covering eachother and laughing like fools. I just love the smell of fall; the drying leaves and just that crispness that is in the air! I still love to try and walk over every fallen leaf as I can, loving that crunchy sound beneath my feet. Although I know that winter will be here soon, I am reveling in the beautiful fall day we are having here in Pittsburgh. I wish that everyday could be this colorful, bright, and crisp! Yea if I could live somewhere where it was this kinda weather all the time I'd pack my bags immediately, no question about it!
Halloween is just around the corner, unfortunately I will be working that night and won't be able to pass out any candy, but I love it just the same. I secretely wished to have been born on Halloween so I could've had a costume party every year for my birthday, but alas it did not happen. Maybe I'll find that girl who loves the scary, hair-raising, fun day as much as me and we could have a spooky Halloween wedding?! That'd be awesome! I would be Medussa and adorn my red hair with hundreds of snakes, and wear a rocking dress and just have the time of our lives! Maybe someday...