Tuesday, December 17, 2013

How do you know when a junkie is lying?... Her lips are moving

There is a reason I named this blog Confessions of Me and I've got to tell you have one big fat confession to make. I've been using again. Well let me be completely honest, I never stopped using. It's been so long now that I can't even remember when I started or how long it's actually been. I fucking hate myself and what I've become AGAIN.

I've been hiding this, surprisingly well from my family. Or maybe they just are in denial I'm not exactly sure. I've actually had to move back in with my parents. That was back in September and I told myself that when I did that backward slip that I'd quit using. Fat fucking chance. I have not been able to stop. It's absurd! I am actually prescribed methadone for Christ's sake what the fuck is wrong with me. For the past 3 months when I get my script filled I have every intention of "kicking" with the meth but do I do it? No, instead I sell my damn medicine and buy heroin instead. I am so fed up and disgusted with myself. I'm sick of crying about it, I'm sick of thinking about it, I'm just so fucking sick and tired of it all. I literally hate every fiber of my being at this moment...and yet the answer is right in front of my face - QUIT FUCKING USING!!!!!!

So if anyone is reading this I am going to put this out there one more time...when I get my script on Friday that's it; I'm done. God you just have no idea how much I want this to be a true statement that I stick to. Please somebody, anybody put out some good vibes for me. I cannot keep up with this habit. It is so out of control and I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't have any money. If my parents were to find out, it would absolutely kill them. Especially my mom. She wouldn't be able to cope I know she wouldn't. I am ready but am I willing?

What it all boils down to is fear. I'm afraid of the pain again, the games my mind plays on me. Here's some brutally honest junkie shit... I'll miss it. Not the having no money or the infections and abscesses that I have to lance myself because I surely can't go to my doctor to have him do it. He'd cut my methadone off in a heartbeat and then I'd be really fucked. No what I'll miss is the "process"... the risk I take by copping, the anticipation I feel when the bags are in my hand and I'm on my way to a place to get off. I'll miss all the preparation, opening the bags, putting on the water and cooking it up. What I will miss most of all is sticking myself with a new needle and feeling it slide into me like butter, hitting that vein and watching the blood rush back into my rig - yep as sick as it sounds that is what I will miss. Believe it or not it isn't the "high" because after all these years I don't even get high anymore. So as I'm writing this I'm also thinking to myself what the fuck? Is what I just wrote really something to miss? Shouldn't I be missing my life, my sanity, my money. The ability to do anything without having to make sure I have enough dope to get me to work, in the shower, to go to the store, shit to wake up?

Heroin is simply the devil reincarnated into powder. This shit will bring anyone down to their knees and I just cannot believe I let myself do it again. How many times will it take for me to learn that I cannot use dope as a social drug? How much pain do I have to put myself through? How much pain do I have to cause my family members? How much is too much?

I'm not going to make promises but I am going to try this again. I have to hang on til Friday. The day of reckoning - the day that I hopefully am strong enough to get my life back. I deserve it. I'm not a horrible person, I'm a sick person. I need to just throw away all of my paraphernalia and I do mean all of it because what I usually do is keep one syringe "just in case". No more just in cases. I want my life back...please help me.

I've been dealing with addiction since I was 13 years old and I'll be 36 come January isn't that enough time? I think I put in my dues. It's high time I do something for myself. Okay I needed to get all of that out. I'd like to say that I'm all gung ho about it but truth be told I'm scared to death. No offense to anyone who happens to come across this... but God please help me, allow me to accept your help once and for all.