So I just finished reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers, Lora over at Fever. I'd give you a link but I have really no idea how to do that. Sorry Lora.
Anyways, she was posting about Halloween and at first I just assumed it would be just another of her witty posts. But this one really got to me. She was talking about ghost babies. I won't try to describe it, she's a much better writer than I and I couldn't give it justice. But it got me thinking and feeling about the baby/ies that I so desperately want. It's tough being single still at 32 with absolutely no prospects out there. I want a family. I'd be a great mom, I know I would. See but I want to meet "her", you know the "one". And I'd want there to be an "us" first and then have the kid but who am I kidding? By the time all that happens I'll be way to old to have babies.
Sometimes I think, I'll just adopt one. But Pennsylvania is all about handing out babies to single, lesbians, who used to shoot dope. Then I think that maybe I can go to one of those sperm bank things but I don't even know if we have any of those in Pittsburgh and I would imagine if we did have one, it would be way out of my price range. And really I don't want to raise a baby all by myself. They're a lot of work. Plus I'd want someone else there to enjoy all the great things, first steps, first words, first poops in the potty with.
I used to play along with that game, you know the one, "It will happen for you, she'll come along when you least expect it", "you're time will come". I don't play along anymore. It's just not worth the heart crushing blows I take when it doesn't "happen" and she doesn't "show up".
I didn't mean for this post to be so dramatic. I just really want babies.
I feel your pain! When I turned 35 I came to the realization that marriage and babies just weren't in the cards for me. And like you, I too, played "the game". I HATE that game. Because for all the thousands of times my friends, coworkers, family, strangers even, tell me that "it will happen when you least expect it!" or "it will happen when you stop looking!" none of that makes the ache and longing in heart any less painful. I'm now 44, still single and no children. I have nieces and nephews. I don't have a boyfriend, heck I don't even have a pet!!!! So don't feel that bad! :) Accepting that I would never have children was very hard for me to do, but I am at peace with it now. And I spoil my nieces and nephews like crazy!!! -Thanks for letting share my "drama" with you! :)
ReplyDeletebecome mentors or Big Sisters. There are so many kids out there who need someone to give them time and attention...
ReplyDeleteI know it's not the same thing, but you are passing yourself and your words and experiences on to so many people in your life- both here and out there in the real world. You will live on.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the babies, only time will tell. You are an amazing person, and you will be an amazing mother. To someone, somewhere, somehow.
Even if you don't have the opportunity to give birth or raise a baby from birth, you will be inspiring and influential to many people.