Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Ok. I. Can't. Sleep.

I only have 3 days of school left. I start my very first externship on Monday. I've never in my life worked in an office or for a doctor. Am I nervous? You betch-your-ass I am!

It's all coming down to the wire and I am really starting to freak out. I wanted this right? I mean isn't this what all that hard work and no sleep was for? Why am I suddenly so afraid to take this step? Do I possess the skills? Have I had enough training? Am I good enough? Or am I destined for a life of scraping by and waiting tables til I die?

No, of course not.

I am scared to death, but so excited at the same time! I really want to do well and impress this doctor and the office manager. I'd like to be able to learn some basic office skills and move on with my life. I feel a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore; you know when she makes it to the big city and flings her hat up into the Manhattan air! I want to do that but I will refrain.

Instead I think I'll do something dramatic to my hair. Something funky and fresh, something new and exciting to go with the mood of my changing life. It's a new start for me and I'd like to start the process off with a sense of confidence and what better way to do that than to get a whole new look? I think I have the cut in mind. It is a lot shorter than my hair has ever been, but that's okay. There's a lot of things different about me these days.

What this whole babbling post is about is fear of change and fear of falling back into old behaviors. That's my m.o. Just when things start to go good and things fall into place, I sabotage them. This is the time that I need to be extra vigilant about my recovery. It is just so easy to hide my fears in that needle.

As I was laying in bed, tossing and turning, a thought occurred to me about all those using dreams I've had lately. No wonder. My life is showing signs of success and what better way to demolish it but by doing the most "natural" thing in the world to a junkie like me. You see that's what we do, we drug addicts. We hide. We run. We don't face scary things; even if they are good things. It's change that we hate so much. Anything new is terribly frightening. And then the big question is "what if I actually am good at this new career, then what? Will my life actually change and will I have to really stay clean for the rest of my life? That's what its boiling down to for me anyway.

A whole life without my love of obliteration. When I started school I said to myself, "just get through with the next year and a half, stay on track at the methadone clinic, and then we'll see". Maybe it was wrong and I'm sure if N.A. was still a part of my life I'd have a sponsor beating down my door right now. But it is what it is and now it almost feels like I'm betraying myself. Like I promised myself that once it was all said and done we could get back down to business. We could just slam one more time, one more time, one more time.

The funny thing is: I don't really want to use. I for once want to walk through this fear just to see what's on the other side of the fence for me. I can do this. And I. Will. Do. This.


  1. "what if I actually am good at this new career, then what? Will my life actually change and will I have to really stay clean for the rest of my life?"

    That's me too. But I think you will do just fine. :D

  2. Of course you can do it. Will do it.
    The old saying of "You can eat an elephant all by yourself, is true, as long as you do it one bite at a time"
    Stay strong

  3. I am so fucking proud of you.

    So proud.

    So so so so so so so so proud.

    There is wisdom and confidence and human nature in every word of this post. We all have our needles, Burnie. We do. Believe me we do. But to overcome your demons, to educate yourself, to work your ass off in the process, and to finally leave your comfort zone and take that huge leap of faith into the scary unknown - well THAT is freedom, honey.

    You are going to be amazing.

  4. You can do it! And there is nothing wrong with setting short term goals...just always remember to extend them!
    You've already gotten through the scary just don't know it!

  5. Ooh! This is that time when you gotta live in the moment. Ya know, breath in, breath out and don't use in between.
    It's all about doing the next right thing.
    I had a sponsor [he moved, okay?]. A lady by the name of Mary T told him... and everyone else who'd listen ...if you don't do what you're supposed to do, you're gonna do what you know how to do.

  6. Everything will work out just fine, you will be great! I think we all struggle with change- some more than others. I can't sleep if there is too much stress happening. Ambien and breathing slowly work. Good luck!

  7. I totally KNOW you have the power within yourself to...

    ..."walk through this fear just to see what's on the other side of the fence for me. I can do this. And I. Will. Do. This"...

    However, I do know how scary change can be. Change frightens me too - even when I know it's moving me into another positive direction.

    But you've got in you, my friend. You do, I just know it.

    So, go outside today and... like Mary Tyler Moore; fling your hat up into the air!

    Cause, "You're gonna make it after all!"


  8. Gavin
    I know you will be just fine as well!Keep on hanging on!

    Haha I'd never heard that line about eating an elephant; I like it and I may just have to steal that one!

    First off thanks for coming by, I love to see new faces and thanks for the words of encouragement!

    my god woman you made me cry! But in a good way; thank you thank you thank you for those amazing words of encouragement and support. and btw I am so fucking proud of me too!

    You are so right about already getting through the scary part...there is nothing more frightening than throwing away your very last needle and knowing you're not going to pick one up ever again. If I can do that well then I can do anything!

    "if you don't do what you're supposed to do, you're gonna do what you know how to do." no truer words have ever been spoken, this Mary T. well she is very wise, very very very wise indeed. thank you for sharing this with me I don't attend meetings anymore and every so often its nice to hear support from a fellow member.

    B dub,
    Oh I don't think I'll have any problem sleeping tonite I am exhausted! I'll give the slow breathing a try though just in case!

    Ha I started singing the song to myself after reading your comments and had a huge grin on my face! After reading all these touching comments I am feeling much more stable and I look fabulous with my new haircut! Thanks for always sharing your wisdom and encouragement with me!

  9. It will be scary until it starts. And then you'll pick things up and you'll have little mini successes during the day and it will all slowly start to feel managable. And you'll feel capable. You're going to be great - you know you're smart, you know you're a good learner - you've got this. But yeah, getting ready for work Monday morning, of course there will be anxiety. My dad always says that shows you care. And he's right - what if you just felt indifferent about starting on Monday? That wouldn't work at all. This matters to you, so embrace the apprehension and you'll be on top of all of it in no time!

    Also, can we get some before and after pics if you end up getting the haircut??

  10. kateyleigh,
    aww, you're very sweet! I like what your dad says about being nervous about something shows you care, it is true. I do want to do a good job and make it in this field. About those pics, I'm just not comfortable putting my pic on the internet, this may sound silly but if someone from work found this site I'd get fired and as much as I hate that place, it's paying the bills for now. Maybe once I'm out of the business? Thanks for your encouragement!

  11. I can't tell you how much this post makes my heart glad. I happened upon your blog, I don't even know how, just going blog to blog...and suddenly Im at your insomnia post. I see how you have waged a war against your addiction and how you are making some real milestones in your recovery and new life. I am hopeful that my daughter can win her war, too. She is fighting a good fight as are you. She enrolls in college this fall. I am enjoying all of your posts, but this one was exceptional. Thank you. It gave me some hope.