Today is a lonely day. I'm sitting here patiently waiting for that someone special to just pop into my life. You know, "when you least expect it". I'm here but I guess the problem is, I'm expecting her to come knocking on the door with a bouquet of flowers and some Hershey kisses. Aha, hold on...is there someone at the door? No just wishful thinking.

I've had a lot of time to get over my ex, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Time surely does heal all wounds. I'm so ready to have someone to share my life with again but I don't know where it is I'm suppose to meet her. I don't really go out much and I don't have alot of friends who could introduce me to people. What in the world am I suppose to do?

I tried the Internet, but I just don't feel all that comfortable with it. Maybe if I went to one of the sites where you have to pay, but money is tight and that's no guarantee. I never know how to "put myself out there" as the sites tell you to do. It just feels funny plus it's always the same people on these things.

I'm just in a rut and you know I'm not getting any younger. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being single. I like not having to do anything when I don't feel like it. But really it's pretty boring and I'm too young to be this boring! Plus cooking for one is just a big fat pain in the ass!

Although my last relationship ended very badly...she completely devasted me, we were very compatible. Or so I thought anyway. I wish I could find someone who has all the things I loved so much about her, minus of course the cheating thing. Can't go through that another time in my life. I mean that too! What is it with cheaters anyway? How can anyone cause another human being so much hurt? I've gotten off topic. Well not that there's really much of a point to this post anyway.

I don't know, I'm just feeling pretty alone and needed to share it. Isn't that what this blog thing is all about?

Thanks for listening..........

Computer Geek ..... I am NOT

Ok so you know how your computer has that taskbar thingy at the bottom of your screen. It has those little pictures (excuse me ICONS) yea well I have a problem....my little speaker and the little computer with the globe that lets me know I'm connected to the internet have completely disappeared!

How did this happen, where did they go, are they floating around somewhere in the control panel? Is my laptop just trying to piss me off? Well hey laptop..you succeeded! Just bring back my little pictures. I have tried going to that menu thing in the control center or whatever the fuck it's called but the little check boxes for my "icons" are turned off. You know how Windows does that: it greys out the things you want to check and now I can't hear any of my videos. Don't laugh, porn just isn't the same without the sound effects.

But seriously if anyone can tell me in simple, clearcut, no geeksquad, plain english how to make these check boxes come back to life I'd be eternally grateful!

TORN

What to write, what to write......seems as though lately I have all this "stuff" in my head but I can't figure out how to assemble it into something that makes sense. I guess it's the combination of all the things going on in my life right now.

As I wrote in a previous post, my brother had relapsed and completely fucked himself yet again. I wrote him a letter and maybe I was too harsh, maybe not, but I haven't heard from him and I'm thinking he's probaby pissed off at me. But you know what, I don't really care if he's pissed, because well sometimes the truth hurts. As I was writing it, I kinda felt like a bit of a hypocrite. It took me many years, many stumbles, and many many fuckups before I finally got myself clean. In the same breath though, I have always been different from my brother. I've always been very independent and I've had a steady job since I was 13 years old. My brother can't seem to hold a job or take care of himself for more than 3 months at a time. He's a 29 year old man and it's time he grows up. He's one of the most unmotivated people I know. When I decided that I wanted to go back to school I looked into all these different technical schools here in Pittsburgh and I came across one called "Bidwell''. This place; although wasn't right for me, is 100% completely FREE if you live in Allegheny county. They have 100s of programs from medical coding to electrician to botany. I told my brother over and over to go down there and sign up. He's talked about construction since he was a little boy and they had a course he could take there to become certified, plus they help place you in a job when you graduate. Did he do it? Of course not, he made up excuses of why he couldn't do it.

I am just about ready to give up on this boy. He's not gonna make it. Some people are just incapable of getting honest with themselves and change their lifestyle. I hate to say this but it's what I feel in my heart; he is just not gonna ever do what he needs to do and he will end up dying a drawn out and painful death. It doesn't have to be this way.

Some reading this may think that wow, she's a cold hearted bitch who has no faith in her own family. This is not the case. Take it from me, a recovering person, it takes a shit load of hard work to get clean. As hard as it is, it's also a very simple thing. Life comes down to choices and whether or not you chose to drink or shoot a bag of dope is all up to you; chose to or chose not to but don't you dare make excuses. Live or die.