Sunday, November 22, 2009

Waitressing Flashbacks Part I

I've spent this past week consulting my waitressing friends and family members about their most outlandish restaurant stories and these are a few that we've hashed out. I hope you enjoy them as much as we have had experiencing them. With no further ado:

1. The Crisco Fiasco

This one comes from my mother and really me typing it doesn't give it the justice that she could, but since she can't even work an ATM machine... anyways it goes like this:

At a restaurant she worked in 20 years ago they had a glass, refrigerated case where they would put the pies and deserts on display. One of the best selling deserts they made was a pecan ball. For those who have never had this frozen orgasmic treat, it is a ball of vanilla icecream rolled in chopped pecans and drizzled with hotfudge and whipped cream. Pay attention, I said ICECREAM. In order to display a pecan ball in the case the manager made one out of crisco and it looked exactly like the real thing.

So my mother is waiting on this woman. It comes to the end of the meal and my mom asks the woman if she'd like desert, the woman says no. So the next thing you know, out of the corner of her eye my mother catches a glimpse of the woman opening the desert case and selecting the "pecan ball". Sure my mom could have warned the woman that she was choosing a ball of crisco, but what fun would that be? The woman, who was too cheap to order a desert, decided to take it upon herself and steal one from the case. BIG mistake.

After consuming half of said pecan ball the fatass calls my mother to the table and says "um, there's something wrong with your icecream, it tastes spoiled". To my mother's delight she (and I don't know how she kept a straight face) says, "well ma'am that is because you are eating crisco, the case you stole that out of is a refrigerator not a freezer and we have no way of displaying icecream".

Long story short the woman felt like a jackass and my mother got the satisfaction she deserved!

2. My aunt and I used to work together at a family style restaurant similiar to Perkins or Denny's. We had a big fat guy that used to come in and demand extra extra cheese on everything he ate. He was disgusting and rude and all the waitresses HATED him. We nicknamed him Moby Dick.

On said night, Moby Dick ordered a grilled cheese with double cheese. Let me tell you that this restaurant already loaded thier grilled cheeses with 5 slices to begin with. My aunt tells the cook to make sure she puts double the amount of cheese on Moby Dick's sandwich. This is now 10 slices of American cheese between 2 slices of white bread mind you, enough cheese to constipate a horse.

Fatass Moby Dick is unsatisfied with the amount of dairy product, of course and demands more. Ok, my aunt takes it back and now the cook is pissed. She is one to not hold back so in her infinate wisdom she decides she will give this guy the largest amount of cheese she can find. When my aunt is paged to the kitchen for her order I am standing there laughing my ass off. In the pick up window is a block of cheese in between two slices of bread. Like the whole block, like in the deli! My aunt is so hysterical (she actually peed her pants!) she can't even serve Moby Dick. I taking after my mother can definately pull this stunt off.

You should have seen the look on Moby's face!

Moby Dick never did ask for extra extra anything, and a few years later when he passed away, us waitresses danced around the kitchen singing, Ding dong the dick is dead!

There are tons more stories like these but this post is getting way too long so I'll give you some more in the days to come. Please tell me some of your work stories, they don't have to be restaurant stories, anything to get even or laugh about will work!


  1. A whole block of cheese? EFFING BRILLIANT!

    I love your family and your senses of humor. Moby Dick got exactly what he deserved. And the moral of the story? Too much cheese will get you dead in a hurry. Ding Dong.

  2. Oh, the days of waiting tables....I miss em and I don't. LOL

    I remember the woman who always ordered water with extra lemon so she could make her own damn lemonade, so cheap. And then, she would have you run back and forth for "just a few more lemons with that refill." GRRRRRR

  3. Haha...lovely stories. I can't wait until you share more. (: The nerve of some people just amazes me. I'm like "dude...seriously...did you just say that?" XD

  4. Alix,
    You're right there--all that cheese surely clogged his arteries up! On my mother's side of the family 3 out of 4 sisters are waitresses and I've worked with all of them-we could share horror stories for hours! I love laughing with these women about our customers and jobs.

  5. Kristi,
    Oh yea the "lemonade" thing. I still get people who do that and it really pisses me off! The place I work in now has lemondade so it is really freakin annoying. Sometimes I wish I could call people out on their cheapness but they unfortunately pay my bills. Thanks for commenting.

  6. Gavin,
    Just stay tuned my friend, there'll be plenty more stories to be told! Hope your weekend is going okay!

  7. Half a scoop of Crisco? She ate half a scoop of Crisco and still didn't completely clue in that it wasn't ice cream?

    Some people should be fed exclusively through tubes.

    Haha - my capcha code is fooded!

  8. Love the Crisco story! I can't believe that woman actually ate half of it. That is turning my stomach as I write this. Working in retail there have been a lot of jackasses. Just can't think of any great stories at the moment.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  9. tattytiara,
    Yup she hate half a scoop of crisco thinking it was spoiled, but yet continuted to eat it, what a dumb ass! Ok you got me what does "my capcha code is fooded" mean?

  10. When Pigs Fly,
    A return thanks to you for stopping by my blog! Do try and remember some stories for part II I'd love to hear them, work horror stories are what make me get out of bed some days! Crisco anyone?

  11. This was like reliving history for me...I had my turn at waiting tables, but these tales far outdo any I could recant!

    I found you via Fever who I found via another blog. I'm your newest follower! Keep up the good work.

  12. I was a waiter once long ago and I remember people trying to be very creative with their orders that the chefs would never be able to cook to their liking. I wanted to say, "Just order something on the menu. We have 118 items. Surely, there must be something you like."

    Stephen Tremp

  13. this is hilarious!
    I'll have to come up with a few good ones of my own!

  14. I freakin' DIED LAUGHING at the Crisco fiasco!!!

    Serves her right!!!!

    And I bet she pooped non-stop for days afterwards!


    We have alot of people who come into my store who only want to spray themselves with cologne/perfume and NEVER buy any. So, one day I'm standing there, watching one of our regular free-sprayers grab a bottle of fragrance off my counter (because he didn't think anyone was watching him) and proceeded to DOUCHE his entire body in what he THOUGHT was men's cologne. I walked up to him afterwards and said, "I just want you to know that you just sprayed womens perfume all over yourself, so I hope your wife doesn't think your cheating on her!"


    Great post!

    Can't wait to read part 2!

  15. Pj,
    So glad you found me! So you're one of the lucky ones huh? You got out of the biz, one question for you: Do you miss it? Probably not huh, atleast I'm hoping that I wont when it is my turn to abandon my apron strings.

  16. Stephen,
    OMG I totally know what you mean about people ordering special shit; it gets on my fucking nerves! I mean if I worked at Burger King I guess I'd have to put up with it but we aint them so you "can't have it your way" order off the damn menu, that's why we have one! Thanks for becoming one of my tiny heads

  17. Lora,
    I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this and don't worry I'll be adding more soon, never will I be at a loss for crazy waitress stories. I can't wait to hear some of yours when you get around to it, I'll be keeping my eye out for you!

  18. Ron,
    Hey buddy thanks for stopping by. OMG I never thought about the diarrhea that woman endured! Too bad she deserved it is right! I wish I could've been there to see the look on dude's face when you told him he was dousing himself in women's perfume; too funny! I hope his wife did beat his ass when he got home, freesprayer ha thats hilarious! Keep an eye out part 2 will be along shortly!

  19. Hey smileyfreak!
    Glad you got a chuckle, stay posted for the up and coming part II!