Sunday, November 15, 2009

Today is one of those days .... I want to get high.

I want to escape.

I don't want to feel.

I am tired, so tired, overworked, and discouraged.

Alone and afraid.

I get so mad at myself for feeling this way; my life is going really good. Things could be so much worse; I could have no home, no food, no future. What is wrong with me? Why am I so self defeating? What is this allure of a drug that nearly killed me? Hiding won't do me any good, it won't make me "feel" better, it won't make me energetic; it will destroy again. It will rape me; it will cause turmoil and disgust and hopelessness.

Instead of doing what I am supposed to do: ignore, talk about, work through the urge, I am romanticizing. The needle slides into my vein like butter, the dark omniscent blood flows into the syringe and as I push the plunger the heroin slams into me like a roaring freight train. I feel it's warmth from the top of my head down to my toes. I am awashed in pleasure, no feeling, no anxiety, love and ... death.

I have to stop this. I need to stop this. I don't want to stop this.

Somedays I really HATE being a recovering drug addict. I hate this battle that I have to endure. Fighting myself is so difficult; but I must do it. I must not let It win again.

I imagine what my life will be like if I were to get high today. It is not the picture I want to see. I will not go back there. I will talk about this ugly feeling and I will not pick up the needle. I am safe again.


  1. I hope you keep writing. Recovering from any addiction is a challenge that too many people don't understand. I applaud your embrace of what you liked about getting high-that will truly remind you of how far you've come.

    Stay true, stay sober-for what it's worth, I'm proud of you.

  2. Bleh....I know the feeling all to well. I stayed up all night bouncing back and forth with the same decision. It sucks. Worth it, but really really sucks to say it all nicely. But I figure if you can do it, so can I, so here's to a good day despite the fact I'm dying for a fix.

  3. Kristi,
    Thanks for your support, and I will stay clean today, not sure about tomorrow but I know I won't succumb to it today.thanks for stopping over.

  4. Gavin,
    I honestly was hoping that you'd stumble upon my post today. I feel connected to you through this addiction thing and no one but another junkie knows this horrible dilema we must go through. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was this morning, thats the great thing about urges--if you don't pick up the feelings subside! Damned if I wouldn't have killed my own mother for a fix this morning though. I don't even know where the craving came from, its been so long since I felt like that I was scared of it for a minute. Thanks so much for commenting, I really did need to hear from you today. I am truly grateful to have met you and consider to a true friend. Don't fix today because I can't!

  5. I'm doing a bit better myself, but I still have that nagging urge in the back of my mind. But I'm more serious about quitting now then I was before. Doesn't make it easier, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone with it. If you ever just need to vent or complain or whatever, feel free to email me. (: I'm really glad I found your blog cause it's helped a lot.

  6. Gavin,
    thanks for saying that about my blog! I am not a huge fan of NA or AA but they have a saying: the message is hope and the promise is freedom. That literally gives me goosebumps when I read it. Riches and fame may never come, but being free from active addiction is reward enough for me. Have a great week and know that i'll be thinking of you! Hang in there.

  7. There's another message, though unofficial. It may seem simplistic, but it really works:
    "Breath in. Breath out. Don't pick up in between breaths."
    I been breathin' for seven and a half years. The heaviest thing I own is the telephone.

  8. Ivan,
    Hello there and thank you for stopping here. I spent most of my day doing everyday things, washing dishes, laundry, grocery shopping and now that I am done for the day I can appreciate the fact that I am alive to do this everyday errands. Thank you for your suggestion of just breathing through it. Congrats on seven and half years! I know what you mean about the phone, sometimes that thing can weigh a ton. Have a great week and thanks again for commenting!

  9. I can't imagine how this feels. My only addiction is coffee. You are so strong for being able to fight off this lust. I think we are all self destructing at times and we look for the easy way out from time to time-even if it means doing the wrong thing and hurting ourselves. You are no lesser a person for this feeling. Stay strong and determined to not let it take your life again. You are worth so much.

  10. knowing that you won't use TODAY is the only thing you can be sure of.

    Tomorrow you might get hit by a bus. Or win the lottery. Fuck tomorrow.

    Focus on today.


    but it seems like you are already doing so

  11. I've been blessed with smoking dreams. It's always the same. In the dream I'm never lighting up, I'm always halfway through a cigarette or a pack and suddenly realize what I've done. I've broken the spell. I've undone the never again oath. I'm heart sick. I'm horrified. I'm literally grief stricken.

    Then I wake up and realize that I'm still tobacco free. I love those dreams. I've felt every drop of the ocean of disappointment that would wash over me if I smoked again, and that feeling of disappointment is always fresh in my mind. There's no temptation to test it - when I think of smoking I think only of deep sorrow now.

    Wow. Ramble. Okay, getting to my point then: addictions bite ass, don't they?

  12. Haley,
    thank you for your compliments, although i don't always feel so strong. Today is a better day though so that is what keeps me going. Oh and I have definately substituted dope for coffee, everyone has gotta have a vice right!

  13. Lora,
    Well fuck I sure hope I win the lottery instead of getting hit by a bus! My luck I'd win a shit load of money and then while on the way to claim the prize I would get bulldozed by a bus! Thanks for stopping by!

  14. Tattytiara,
    Yes indeed... "addictions bite ass"!

  15. I can't imagine how it must feel, but you made quite a clear picture in my head with your post.
    Stay clean, you have a lot to give to the world.

  16. You are such a strong woman. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you but instead I come with only support and admiration for the classy way you handle such a NOT-classy addiction.

    Write... don't shoot... Keep up the great work!!!

  17. Makita,
    First thanks for becoming a tiny head! I am glad that I was able to put an image of what it feels like to crave a drug to someone who doesn't have the addiction. that is what I want to be able to do; share what it is really like for someone like me. thank you for stopping and leaving your comment. I'll be checking your place out soon.

  18. picture imperfect,
    Believe me your support and admiration are enough for me, thank you. I am always leery of posting about my addiction, not everyone is open minded about certain stuff and its scary not knowing who is gonna come across this blog thing. I love your words: "write, don't shoot", that is a great quote and I may just steal that off of you!