DRUG ADDICTION

My favorite television show is Intervention. They portray drug addiction for what it is: total degregation; there's no fluff, no sugar coating, just the pure savage despair that is addiction.

For me, its not so much about watching the addicts themselves, it's the parents and their anguish. I humbly see through their eyes the hopelessness, fear, and anger that once dwelled in my own parents. If I allow myself to, I begin to feel ashamed of what I did to my family. I have to remind myself that I am no longer inflicting this hell onto my parents and for this I am grateful. It does not make watching the suffering any easier and there are many episodes that leave me breathless and even hysterical sometimes. Yet I continue to watch.

Addiction--baffling and powerful rips through so many families--too many to actually be counted. It is a horrible disease in which everyone involved is emotionally, physically and spirituality ruined.

As I watch these hour long episodes I cry. I cry for me, for my family, for the families and addicts on the show. I cry for society as a whole. It seems like there is never an end to the misery. I am one of the fortunate to make my way out of the demonic, devastating cycle of drug addiction; I NEVER forget that.

The thing about using is that no matter how much I didn't want to use, I COULD NOT STOP! I loathed myself and what I was doing but no matter how many times I told myself I wasn't going to do it again--I always did it.

Now I cannot say for certain what made me stop. I didn't have one of those divine interventions or spiritual awakenings; I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't try and figure out the reasons I stopped, I just know that I did and this is enough for me. My heart breaks for those who have yet to stop.

I have a strange fascination with addiction. I earnestly read books about other addict's struggles and I watch countless shows on drugs and such. Maybe I do it to remind myself of where I came from, or maybe I do it because I love to watch the addicts who are getting high. As sick as it sounds, just watching someone shoot up is enough to make my mouth water and butterflies to erupt in my stomach. I sweat profusely while I stare into their eyes watching for the telltale sign that the dope has hit them. It is a "freebie" for me; I get to feel the high without having any of the negative consequences.

I wish that I could save every addict from the hell in which they are living, but I cannot. Only the addict can save themselves. No amount of coercion, begging, pleading or bargaining can do it. You must make the decision and stick by it no matter what happens. There can never be an excuse to use.

I've been asked if I could, would I change my past? I honestly do not think that I would. Being a drug addict taught me so much about life. I learned how to survive through the most destitute of situations. I learned the hard way that while at times life can be great, most times it is down right horrible. My struggle has made me who I am today, and the knowledge gives me the strength to go on from here.

Anyone who comes across this post: The next time you see a drug addict, whether it be in person or on a tv show, remember that these people were once innocent children themselves and they have lived things that you may never have been able to imagine. If you are someone who has faith, say a little prayer for the addicts that are still out there fighting their demons and for their families who are fighting their own.