Thursday, November 19, 2009

Yea I'm a Bitch, So What Else You Got For Me?!

I want to talk about how much I hate waiting on kids, toddlers, children, gremlins, babies etc. The other night I let out a sigh of disgust as I watched a family of 4 small children being sat in my section.

Yep you're right; I am prejudice. I HATE kids. No, I do not give you the benefit of the doubt; I judge you and your kids before I even approach your table.

I am bias I know, but after 17 years of cleaning up puke, throwing way tons of soggy sugar packets, and having my eardrums explode out of the side of my head I feel as though I am entitled to my hatred of ankle bitting toddlers.

Case in point:

As I am trying to take the order from the ADULT at the table, this whiny, snot-nosed little brat screams at me "hey lady". What? Are you kidding me, have some respect for your elders kid, I am here to make sure your stupid chicken fingers get here for you to shove into your face hole.

I am NOT one of those waitresses that dote over your "cute" offspring. Personally I don't think its so special that little Janey lost her tooth. Big fucking deal--we all lose teeth. Show me something truly spectacular like an olympic medal or your degree from brain surgery school or something.

While I'm at it, your precious newborn isn't all the cute. Frankly, she's quite ugly; she looks like an alien. Her skin is all wrinkly, her ears stick out from her big bald head and she's got a bad case of cradle cap, eww her head skin is fluffing off onto the table! Get her outta here or atleast put her back in that devise that took you an hour to get out of the car and lets say we get down to business:

Would you like soup or salad with your chicken parm?


  1. OMG -- That photo freaks me out! Love the new look to your blog.

  2. XD Love the photo. And while I don't share you aversion to children, this post was amusing to read.

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  4. Children have no place at restaurants, unless it's Red Robin or something.

  5. And some folks lose teeth all through their lives, and then they bring their obnoxious kids to restaurants. You gotta admire the synchronicity, if nothing else.

  6. Preach it sistah! Preach it!

    The older I get, the more I stand with you. Against children.

    And I'm a mom.

    What does that mean?


    I stand with you anyway.

    Woot woot.

  7. Isabella,
    I know right that pic is freaky with a capital F! I googled ugly baby and that's what came up, it fits the post though huh? Oh thanks for complimenting the new and fabulous look! You would never guess that it took me like 4 f ing hours to get it on here, I am so computer challenged!

  8. Gavin,
    Ok at the risk of sounding like a complete illiterate what is XD? I have seen that lurking all over blog comments and I have no idea wht it means! I'm glad you found the humor in this. don't tell anyone--I don't hate kids that much (well when I am not waiting on them and they're not talking or breathing)

  9. MJ,
    you got my attention..what did your first comment say? I agree children do not belong in restaurants and I'll go one step further; not in public anywhere, it'd be so much quieter wouldn't it?

  10. Knuclehead,
    Thanks for stopping by, I love your blog by the way! I would admire the synchronicity if I knew what the hell that meant! Thanks for finding humor in me, coming from you that means alot and I mean that 100% with no sarcasm, keep coming back!

  11. Alix,
    All that means is that you hate the way people raise or more so don't discipline their brats today! No worries I am sure you only hate your own kids like 85% of the time, that's not so bad. Woot Woot right back at ya!

  12. XD is a laughing smiley face. The x is the eyes like squeezed shut and the d is the mouth.

  13. Kids are cute when they're quiet and someone else's problem or, you know, just in picture, but not a picture with food smeared all over their heads. That's even gross on kittens.

  14. Gavin
    Ok if you say so, I'm just not seeing it! XD XD XD nope not seeing it! Thanks for trying a computer illiterate out though!

  15. tattytiara
    I agree 100%, they are cute in pics bc they can't be heard, they're not making bodily functions, talking or crying. My kids are gonna be lifesize cardboard cutouts!

  16. Haha..try looking at it sideways...that might help.

  17. First, I LOVE to see my friends in your comments!

    MJ is one of my besties in real life, and if you aren't reading her blog, please do right now and read her back logs! You remind me of her in lots of ways.
    and Alix is one of my besties on the internets.

    Second, I took Jake to a coffee shop for a hotdog today (dont' ask. I'll tell. It was wrapped in a homemade croissant, it's a little French place)
    I hope you noticed that I said croissant, because that gets important.

    So, the boy wants a hotdog and I see on the specials board outside the coffee shop that they are serving hotdogs today. Whatevs, so I stop in and get one. It's wrapped in flakey pastry.

    what a mess. So, he eats it, it's everywhere, so I wet a napkin and wipe the floor under the table and the barista is totally floored that I did that.

    I was a waitress, I explain.

  18. Oh God, I have no patience for children. God bless ya!