Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Waitressing Flashbacks Part II

Here it is, drum roll please...

I wasn't going to name names but screw it. The restuarant that gave me most of my stories is one called EatnPark. This place is also where Moby Dick frequented. It is an establishment of crazies, both the employees and the customers. It's a chain similiar to Denny's or Perkin's and they have stores all over Pittsburgh and the surrounding area. I happened to work at the one in which Mayview state hospital must've had a prearranged agreement with because most of the customers there were certifiable-and that's no joke!

Getting down to business, here are just a couple of tidbits of what I and my fellow employees had to put up with everyday:

1. The Hamburgular

I was working the grave yard shift at the time and my store was known for battles ensuing throughout the dining area and parking lot as well, that's what happens when mental patients get drunk and then decide they need food at 2:30 in the morning. On this one occasion I was waiting on an enebriated man who slurred out his order to me; he wanted a Superburger. It's a double decker burger in between 3 buns. Like a Big Mac but substitute the 1000 island for tartar, ok so you know what I'm talking about. I proceed.

We had an extremely busy rush and happened to run out of superburger buns this night. I very nicely explained this to drunkie, and at the time he either didn't care or was to drunk to realize I was even talking to him. When I brought the burger out it was on a regular bun, it didnt have the classic middle bun. No big deal right? Wrong!

The guy started to freak out! He was screaming and crying and acting like a complete deranged idiot over a freakin bun, so what do I do? I dial #1 on speed dial: the local police precinct. We have them on speed dial because shit like this happens all the time.

The cops show up and I explain the situation, they seem amused by his reign of holy terror over a fucking hamburger. They go over and tell him he has 2 choices; he can either eat the burger or he can leave. He chooses neither option and starts to cuss the cops and damns me to eternal hell for conspiring agains Superburger Gods. The cops don't have time for his shit and are no longer amused.

The proceed to fight him to the ground and handcuff him. Before walking him out to their cruiser, they stop him at the register and the one cop reaches into the guys back pocket, pulls out a $20 and tells me to ring up the check and keep the change. I am delighted!

Guy really freaks out because he realizes that I am getting close to a $15 tip! What does a super waitress do in this position? I put the biggest smile on my face and say to the guy, "have a great night in the slammer Mr. Hamburgular and thanks for the awesome tip!

2. Toast

There is a group of women that I dreaded waiting on at the same restuarant mentioned above. They came in every weekday morning at 7:00 am and I swear to God they have the most difficult order I have ever taken in my whole 17 years of waiting on tables!

There are usually 3 of them, sometimes 4. Anyways they all order toast.

I know what you're thinking, what's so difficult about ordering toast? Let me explain...

Woman #1 ( and I am being gracious with the term) likes white toast, toasted only on the front side of the bread, not buttered, cut in 4's, butter packets on the side with strawberry jelly.

Woman #2 wants italian toast but only if the bread isn't too large or too small, toasted dark but not burnt, buttered lightly, on a dinner plate not the little plate with grape jelly and orange marmalade, and don't cut the toast because 15 years ago someone in the kitchen cut her toast with the same knife used to cut onions and she can still to this day taste the onion!

Woman #3 likes rye but she asks every single fucking time if the rye has seeds and when she is told yes she sighs and huffs but orders it anyway and if she's feeling really bitchy will ask you to remove the seeds, NO I AM NOT KIDDING YOU! She wants her's toasted lightly, soft melted butter on the side, a package of cream cheese and could you microwave it a few seconds cause if it's too hard it'll rip the precious seeded rye toast.

I could go on to woman #4 but I think you get the picture. Just stay the fuck at home and make your own goddamned toast!

These heifers still come in everyday, I know because my aunt waits on them now, so sorry aunt M!

Stay tuned for parts III- XXX; I could go on with these forever!


  1. Good stories... and I like how you're spreading them out.

  2. BRAVA!!!!

    Ok...I seriously think you should write an ebook about this stuff and sell it online!

    FAAAABULOUS stories!!

    I almost SHIT when you said....

    "have a great night in the slammer Mr. Hamburgular and thanks for the awesome tip!

    GOOOOOO, girl!!! Because you deserved the $15.00 tip!

    and don't cut the toast because 15 years ago someone in the kitchen cut her toast with the same knife used to cut onions and she can still to this day taste the onion!


    OMG...that made me HOWL!

    I'm seriously lovin' these restaurant stories!

    Lookin' forward to part 3.

    Have a great day!

  3. Omg....I can't people sometimes. I don't think I'd make it very far in the business. I'd probably strangle someone and tell them to either shut up and eat or go away before I make them pick. XD At least when I was bartending there was something in between me and the person so that helped me just turn away. XD Great stories. (:

  4. Ivan
    I'm so glad you're enjoying these installments of horror stories, I'll try and get em coming!

  5. ron,
    Hey thanks for stopping! I have always said that I wanted to write a book about all this stuff and I someday plan on doing it! I'm glad I have this blog to try them out and see how people react to them. Stay tuned for part 3 my friend. Happy thanksgiving.

  6. Gavin,
    Yea I'm not sure what holds me back sometimes, I guess its the fact that now that I'm in school there's a lite at the end of the tunnel. If I had to do this for the rest of my life I would probably kill myself or another customer! Thanks as always for stopping on over, enjoy your turkey day!

  7. Aren't those the people who get spit and boogers in their food? If it was me, they would!

    Are mood levelers on the menu there? It might help.

    Great stories! Happy Thanksgiving!

  8. PJ
    Yep you sure got that right: those are indeed the people that get spit and boogers in their meals, and NO we don't feel bad when we do this (we actually watch with glee)! I wish we could dispense some mood stabilizers to the guests but then what would the kitchen staff take? Ha, thanks for coming over and happy turkey day to you too!

  9. Do you ever offer a nice warm glass of shut the hell up?