Bottomless cups

I will enlighten you to one of the tables that I had to deal with tonight at work, just because I don't think it's quite fair to let these scumbags off that easy. The table consisted of 2 older couples who at the start proved to be pretentious assholes. When they were seated in my section, my table was the 3rd table that they were seated in. A little bit of musical chairs on a Thursday night! I knew I was in trouble when I approached the table and was completely ignored, HELLO THERE IS A HUMAN BEING STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU! When the did finally bless me with their acknowledgement the reply to my question of "what can I bring for you to drink" was huh?! Oh boy oh boy!

One of the women proceeds to order a glass of white zinfandel, (drink a real glass of wine!) with a slew of limes on the side and a glass of ice + a glass of luke warm tap water with an orange slice. Is she outta her mind? Lady we aren't running a fruit stand! I tell her we don't have oranges but I would be more than happy to put a lemon in her water (all the while gagging on my words) and she looks at me like I have 9 heads. No, she says, I don't like lemon. Fine whatever, I get the round of drinks and prepare myself for what is to come--pure hell!

After they consumed their meals, like any good waitress I asked if they would like desert and/or coffee. Yes we'd all like to have FRESH decaf (like I would possibly serve you old decaf, or perhaps regular in a decaf pot). Just a trick of the trade there folks! As I'm refilling their "fresh decafs" I cannot help but overhear their conversation. They are talking about someone, I'm assuming/hoping it isn't me. "Yes, she is JUST a waitress, she means NOTHING to me, she acts as if she's living in Fox Chapel (a ritzy part of the Burgh). mmmm, I am standing right there! Um hello, waitress here! Just then I happened to find that bottom to your bottomless cups of coffee!

Needless to say they didn't tip me appropriately, bastards! God I cannot wait until I can get the hell out of this business!

Hey folks, TIP your servers and for godsake be nice!

THE KISS OF DEATH

Well I guess I'm feeling better. I don't have the urge to slit my wrists, so there's a positive! No but seriously it's pretty easy for me to fall into those dark moods and start feeling sorry for myself and all that crap. I've had this knack since I was just a young girl. My mother hated it and I think that's why I secretly did it for so long...just to drive her insane!

I had to work tonight and usually when I get "ready" for work I just throw on a little bit of makeup (it sweats off anyways) and tie my hair back in a school-girl ponytail. Since I was feeling so low today I forced myself to add a bit more makeup, I actually did my eyes for a change and my hair fell just right for once. It helped to lift my mood and when I put my big Jackie O sunglasses on I got quite a few head turns driving into work! I felt kinda sexy and aint felt that way in a long time; too long!

We had a decent dinner rush for a Monday, its all about whether the Steelers win on Sundays! I swear it is the truth, if they win we get busy but if they lose you can kiss the beginning of the week goodbye. These steeler fans are no joke, its really kinda of sadistic and stupid if you ask me. I'm a huge fan, believe me and of course I don't like to see them lose but it does NOT control my life! My dad and brother completely lose all hope when they lose, they scream at the tv, throw shit, pick fights with my mother, its all pretty juvenille and stupid.

So what I really wanted to mention was this saying we have at work called "THE KISS OF DEATH" and I received it tonight!

When you give outstanding service to a table and they take notice and say to you, "oh thank you everything was great and you were the best server we've ever had" this my friends is the Kiss of death. These complimentary customers are tipping you with their words, not with moola. It never ever fails. At some point I will wise up and when they start their swooning I swear I am booking it from the table. Noway, no more, I will not tolerate it anymore! If I was so great why in the hell are you leaving less than minimum gratuity? What the hell would you have left if I had sucked?

Another thing that PISSES me off: Those little Jesus books that people pass out. The one I got tonite was wrapped around a $5 bill so I wasn't as pissed as usual, but most of the time these "Christians" are leaving a Jesus will save you pamphlet in lieu of a tip! How god damn Christian is this I ask!?

Folks come on tip your server!

Booth or Table?

I hate calling in sick and missing out on making money, but I had to take the night off of work. My body feels like it was run over by a mack truck. I hope I'm not getting swine flu or something awful like lumpuckaroo, I hate to be sick.

To be quite honest, I don't feel too quilty for calling off. Between the blowout I had with my fellow employee and having a new asshole ripped by my boss this weekend, I could use the rest. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I'm not sure how much longer I can push my body before I end up going postal and killing the next customer who asks me some stupid question!

I was on the bus on the way home from classes today talking to a friend of mine who also waits on tables. We were laughing like 2 banchees let out of the looney bin on a pass. People were staring at us and whispering to their neighbors, but we couldn't care less. We were doing what we waitresses do best...bitch and moan and make fun of our annoying customers!

What is it with people and booths? Seriously why on god's green earth does it matter if you sit in a booth or a table? We serve food and beverages in both, isn't that the reason you are going to a restuarant--to eat? It blows my mind every single time I hear that dreaded question: Can we have a booth? It has gotten even worse lately, they are getting really picky of WHICH booth they sit in now. The hostess takes them to the "requested booth" only for the wife to say "oh this is so close to the kitchen, can't we move to that booth over there"? If I was the hostess I would seriously fuck someone up! JUST SIT THE FUCK DOWN! There are reasons we are seating you in a particular table, there are sections that need to rotated in order for it to be fair to all the servers on the floor. Stop and think next time you ask to sit somewhere other than where we were gonna put you before you bitch that the server is taking a long time to come to your table or the service is slow. Nine times out of ten its your own damn fault. The section you were determined to sit in is has now been bombarded with other people just like you and that waitress is in the weeds, or maybe if she's anything like me, she is ignoring you and making you wait on purpose! Gasp, yes people we do have ways of getting revenge!

Night from HELL!

What is it with people? When you come into a restaurant do all your manners, tact, and smarts just go out the door? Tonight was asshole night at the restaurant! Is it a full moon or are my fellow pittsburghers freaked out about the G20 and taking it out on me the lowly waitress or what? First table of the night was great but it was all down hill from there. My second table informed me that they had already eaten and weren't hungry they just wanted to have a meeting, get the fuck outta here does this look like a conference room to you? No it is not appropriate to go into a restaurant in the middle of dinner time and order one cup of soup and 1 piece of garlic bread. Oh this is classic, the guy asked me if we had any sweet rolls, am I wearing a Perkins uniform asshole, do you see fresh baked pastries anywhere? We got garlic bread or nothing!
My next seating was a couple who visit us atleast 3 times a week and we ALL hate them! They are old, cheap and lousy tippers. They split meals, which makes me cringe. The day my date takes me out and insists we share a meal is the day I kill myself. Not only are these people cheap they are demanding too, they only want to sit in 6 top booths, they order 2 waters with an even amount of extra lemons, I mean come on 1 of you can't have more than the other? Plus this idiots sit forever! They think nothing of sitting in your booth for 2 hours sipping on water and sharing a cup of soup! Their normal tip is around 2-3 bucks but tonite I got a measly $1.36, go fuck yourself!
The night went to hell from there, if I were to think back on it I would probably spontaneously combust, that's how pissed off I am. It wasn't just my section. Another server told me of a woman who told her she was watching her carbs so would the cook mind hollowing out her bread so she could still order a hoagie and not be cheating on her diet. Where the fuck do these people come from? God I can't wait to get the hell out of this business!

Medal of Honor

I have concluded that while most people are decent there are others out there that are not, they make themselves feel better by belittling others who are providing a service to them. Yep another waitressing horror story folks! Last night I had a gentlemen and his wife tell me that I was naive and stupid! Believe it or not I am at home blogging and not in jail, where I very easily could have ended up after waiting on these two! I was only trying to do my job and be pleasant. The guy asked me if we had Italian pizza, after calming the thoughts that were running through my head, I innocently said that I had watched a special a few years back that told of how the Chinese had invented pasta and pizza as well. You would have thought that I came out and told this guy that his wife was horrid the way he looked at me. Waiters everywhere know this look, it's like I have 9 heads or something. I instantly know this is a mistake to try and add culture to this couple's life, he looks at me baffled and tells me how truly naive I am for believing this. I don't argue I just take the order and walk away. Through the rest of their meal there are snide remarks, upturned noses, and whispering as I walk away from the table. When I ask how they are enjoying their pizza, the woman shakes her head. I ask if there is a problem and she tells me that the cheese doesn't taste right. I ask her what the problem is, is it salty, does it taste like its spoiled, what is it? I know there is nothing wrong with it, I just ate pizza an hour ago for my employee meal, but my job is to accomodate. She can't give me an answer, so I ask if they'd like a new pizza made or perhaps like to order something else. She dismisses me and says no everything is fine. If everything is fine what the fuck are you bitching about, just keep your mouth shut then, of course I only think this I would never actually say it out loud. (well I cant promise that on my last day of having to wait on tables I won't do this). They proceed to consume the entire pizza, so my guess is they were just looking for a free meal, which by the way they did not get. They leave behind their change, $1.23 all for me! One of the women who was sitting at a table across from them comes up to me and tells me that I deserve a medal for putting up with their shit. I thank her and tell her its just par for the course, it happens almost every shift. What really infuriates me the most about the whole situation is that this woman ( who should be ordained a saint in my book) tells my boss how well I did with that table that I do indeed deserve an award and that I handled it marvelously, my boss just snickers and says that yes she got a medal a few days ago. Where is this so called medal? My boss thinks that we are worthless and not deserving of praise and whenever we do get compliments he brushes them aside and refusing to acknowledge us. He doesn't care about the way his customers talk to us or treat us because he treats us the same way. Oh well what can you do? Serving is one of the most thankless jobs you can do. I think everyone should have to do it for just 1 month and see what it truly does entail.