I always read a bit before going to bed and last night was no different. I had started a new book by David Sheff, "Beautiful Boy". I had read his son's book titled "Tweaked". The little bit that I have read had me thinking back to a time when I caused this same pain to my parents and I felt ashamed. I too suffered through an addiction and while my pain was apparent to me, my parents mostly suffered alone, I never really thought about what I was doing to them. There is a part in the book when he talks about resenting his son's addiction because while he is high he gets a reprieve from the pain whereas the family members of the addict never get this, they continue to suffer day in and day out. I had never thought of this before and it disturbed me because it is so true. When I was getting high I escaped my hell by being obliviated and then nothing mattered, my parents however did not get to escape my hell or their own for that matter. Although I am clean now I still have feelings of guilt and remorse, shame, degregation, and embarrasement. No my parents are not to blame for my addiction, no one but myself can take the blame for the way I chose to live my life for so long. It was a hell that I hope I will never have to go through again.
I tossed and turned all night, waking each hour from a dream that I could not seem to shake away. I don't remember all the details but the overall feeling of it was dread. I am sure that it is related to my feelings before I went to bed last night of being such a "bad" child. I have apologized to my parents over and over, but is this enough to get rid of the hidden guilt I carry around in my heart? Will I ever forgive myself? I don't know the answers to these questions and that scares me. There is always that possibility that addiction will rear its ugly head in my direction again and destroy everything I have worked so hard for these last few years. I actually am okay with who I am and who I want to become today. That's not something I could have said even a year ago. Of course there are things I wish I could change but for the most part I am satisfied.