Sunday, September 13, 2009

At my grandmother's 80th birthday party yesterday I got the chance to hold a tiny piece of immortality. After 28 years we finally have a new baby in the family. She is a sweet baby girl and I fell in love with her instantly. I have always loved babies, the way the smell, the softness of their skin, the way to they curl into you and feel so comfortable against your chest. I would like nothing better in the world to get the chance to be a mother. I held that beautiful little girl to my breast and everything felt suddenly better. I want to go about it the "right" way however. I want to find that someone special with whom I will spend the rest of my life with. To my mother's dismay that someone will be a woman. I want to find her and love her and live out our dreams together. I am turning 32 in a few months and I worry that I will never get my chance to have children. If I am lucky enough to find the woman of my dreams I'd want to have a life together before we start a family and I'm afraid that by then my time will have run out. Of course I've thought about doing it alone, finding a donor and just raising a child as a single parent. I don't think that's fair to the child or to myself either. I was fortunate to have 2 adoring parents, and I would want the same for my baby. I hope that I get this chance someday. I will survive of course if it doesn't happen, but I believe that I will always have a spot in my heart that will remain empty. I will always long for a beautiful baby girl to call my own.

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