Saturday, July 28, 2012

Dirty Little Secret....

I have not been onto my blogger account in like a year and I have no idea why this morning I decided to not only log on but post something as well.  Maybe it's because I've really been fucking up lately and there is no human in my life that I can actually tell what I've been doing.  I feel like I need to tell someone so why not the entire world wide web! Ok I don't want to try to be my normal funny self because what I've been doing is no laughing matter, but rather a matter of life and death. Alright enough beating around the bush; I have been using heroin again. There I said it.

Back in December I started interferon treatment for my Hepatitis C, which I contracted some 10 years ago by sharing needles with other i.v. drug users.  This treatment is something similar to chemo and it sucked. It made me feel like a piece of dog shit and I wanted anything to take it away; hence heroin.  I had been off of smack for almost 5 years and like so many addicts I thought after all that time I could just do it once in a while.  I mean come on I know where it takes me and I can control it this time so that it won't suck me back into a life I fought so hard to get out of.  Yea well addicts not only lie to everyone around them, we lie to ourselves too.

I had literally destroyed every vein in both of my arms and for this treatment lab work had to be drawn every week, so for convenience the doctor had a picc line inserted into me.  Yea talk about convenience, this time around I didn't have to poke myself over and over and spend hours trying to find a vein.  I just used the line that ran from my arm into my Superior Vena Cava, the largest vein in your heart. Did I think of the consequences? Nope I thought of the DOPE.

So now treatment is over but my habit is still here with me. This weekend is my detox weekend. I know in my heart, my head and my bank account that this can no longer go on.  I have got to stop before it gets any worse. Before I lose everything all over again. Before my loving, trusting parents find out what a loser junkie I truly am.

So if anyone happens to come across this post, keep me in your thoughts and if you have ESP could you send me some strength to get through this?  I know I can do it, I've done it before and I have the meds I need to keep withdrawal away, it's the mental part that is so fucking hard to beat.


  1. You're in my prayers
    Your message is strong and powerful
    BTW - I hope you aren't trying to do this alone?

  2. I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner, but you are always in my thoughts. I wish I had words about how much I understand and how much you are loved and how You! Can! Do! This! but it will all sound like bullshit right now.

    I do understand. You are loved. You can do this. It's going to take a lot of work, a lot of understanding, and a lot of love. I don't pray, but I hope. I hope you are able to find this understanding and love close to home.