Sunday, July 29, 2012


I made it through yesterday without too much difficulty, but I know day 1 isn't the worst of it. Today will probably be more of a challenge. Thank God for methadone and benzo's they'll take the edge off of my physical symptoms.  The thoughts that run through my head are a completely different story. Fighting myself is like fighting the devil - he has all the power and prestige and I have nothing but white knuckles and hope.

Hope is a funny's there deep inside me but it is so very hard to depend on. If anyone comes across this blog today....Please, please, please keep HOPE in your thoughts for me today.

I was going through some of my writings yesterday and came across this one, I had actually posted it once before but I'd like to share it again, for your benefit, to try and explain where I am in my head but also for my benefit so I remember just exactly what I will become again if I don't do this:

The flame dances underneath the dull, tarnished spoon creating a bubbling cauldron of poison. I drop the pillow of cotton into the hot liquid and as it absorbs the mixture my mouth waters and my body tingles. I draw my dose up into the needle, anticipating its numbing effects. The dull needle pierces my skin like a nail and I flinch in pain. I pull back on the plunger and watch the dark stream of red blood flow back into the syringe, and I push. The heroin slams into my vein like a roaring freight train, crossing over the synapses of my brain and washing my entire body in warmth, I am home, I am content. Smack is my lover, my friend, my medicine. I can no longer function without it. It is always there for me when I need it. It takes away the rawness of what my life has become; a constant search for nothingness.

My body melts into the dirty chair, my breath catches in my throat; this is premo dope. I can barely open my eyes they are so heavy. My arms feel like lead as I try to extract the needle from my swollen vein. Blood runs down my arm, I lick it up like a dog. I can feel the nod coming on strong and heavy and I hold my breath waiting for it to take me to that place; the dark place where no light can enter, no thoughts can roam, and no feelings can be felt. Being on the nod is like being semiconscious. I can hear the others around me talking, but it’s just murmurs, nothing really makes sense but I don’t care. I am where I need to be.

When I wake there is a long string of drool from the corner of my mouth and my body is no longer on the chair. I am lying face down on the filthy worn carpet and I am alone. They have all left to go score and left me here to die. This is happening more often, me falling out and not remembering what happened. It doesn’t frighten me like it should, it just is. I pull myself back onto the chair and rummage through my pockets for a cigarette. I pull out a little blue bag with the words Jaguar stamped on the front, and I remember that I had saved one bag just in case my body didn’t succumb to the shot I had just taken. I am playing Russian roulette with my life, waiting for the jolt that will end this misery. I light a cigarette and cook up my last bag of dope.

I am a junkie. I am an animal. I do not bathe, I do not eat, I do not live; I scavenge. I am a lost soul. I am looking for death to release me from the pain that I am in. I did not start out like this. I was a smart, funny, and shy little girl who was loved and cared for. My parents raised me with morals and values and did right by me. I was not abused or neglected. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted, so I cannot blame my upbringing on the monster that I have become. No, I am responsible for the decisions I made and the actions that I took. This hell that I live in is all my own doing. This is all that I know to do; use drugs and cover up the feelings and emotions that are dying to be felt. If I were to allow myself to feel these things I would surely kill myself.


  1. It is just "one day at a time."
    Only those of us who deal with this, either, drugs, alcohol, whatever, really know what that means. Sometimes it means breathe in, breathe out, don't do anything else in between.
    The hope comes in knowing there are lots and lots of others in recovery who are pulling for you. You don't have to do it alone.

  2. Ivan;
    Thank you for replying to both of my posts; I never thought anyone would read them. I was kinda just telling on myself you know? It means alot that you're sending hope my way. I know once I get through the first couple weeks the mental draw to it will subside and I won't think about it every fucking second of the day...its just well getting to that point. It's been a long time since I've followed blogs but I seem to remember that you share this same disease? correct me if I'm wrong; but if so then I know you know exactly what's up with me and my fucking mind games right now. I wish I could say I was one of the people that do the NA thing or AA thing but it just ain't for me. Go ahead you can snicker, most do...I just know that for me it doesn't work. Been there done that. In the same breath I know there is power in numbers and that I alone can not do it. I have reached out to a few of my family members and close friends and they are supporting me now. So I'm not trying to win the war against me with just me. Again thank you for your thoughts, encouragement and support; it could not come at a better time.

  3. I also have not been on the blogs in a long time and decided to log on tonight..saw your recent posts and I want you to know I am sending hope your way. Your blog helped me so much when I was desparate for a sucess story where someone overcame their addiction, and I know now, through personal experience, that relapse is a very real part of recovery (and I would not even consider it before.) You know what it takes and you have the desire to stop. You have two powerful weapons right there. Hang in there and get the help you need from any and all who would give it. NA seems hokey but those folks are fighting the same fight you are. I have seen it work and I was a skeptic. I am only the parent of 2 junkies, but I have been profoundly affected and changed, such as my ideas and priorities. Keep up the one day at a time one hour at a time one minute at a time. You are an amazing woman. Keep on keeping on. Prayers of hope and strength for you....

    1. dragonfly;
      I want to thank you for your thoughtful post. I am glad to hear that I had given you hope in the past that some people do beat addiction. Beating it isn't really the right thing to say but I can't come up with the right saying. I empathize with you for having to deal with addiction from the other side of it. You said it all though; that you've been profoundly affected and changed. Addiction affects every single person who is associated with the addict, they call it a family disease and I certainly agree with that. After having had been clean, I really started to realize what I did to my loved ones, how deeply I hurt them; how fearful I made them and i'm sure how completely PISSED off I made them. My thoughts go out to your children as I hope that they are clean now, and if they aren't at this time I send out hope to them. I admire your strength and courage that it must've taken to post this. Not everybody in the world sympathizes with addicts and their families; it's the Nancy Reagan thing, "just say no". Oh if it was just that easy....

      thank you again for reading my post and for your encouragement.

  4. HOPE is definitely with you.

    NA and AA are sort of garbage, if you ask me. The only people it "works" for have transferred their addiction to something else and while I guess it "works" to be a chain-smoking, caffeine-guzzling Jesus-freak, it's really fucking annoying to the rest of us.

    Your path is there, somewhere. The one you took years ago worked for quite awhile, maybe it will work again. Maybe you'll find another one that works even better.

    Love, peace, hope, positivity, light, and everything else that is good to you today and every day for as long as you need it.

    1. Lora;
      I have the same views of AA/NA...they don't do much for me. I've tried going to meetings but I'm not one to open up and tell a room full of people how truly fucked up in the head I am (although putting it on the internet doesn't seem to bother me, figure that one out). I wish that I could say that I've been following my path but honestly I've taken some shortcuts and have gotten high several times after posting. I actually just did it. I don't know why I'm putting this out there, maybe I just needed to snitch on myself. Oh how I want to stop I'm just so scared to do so.

      I told myself that this one was it, the last hoorah. The END. I hope it is. I don't want to be a junkie again.

      I'm taking your love, peace, hope, positivity and light and I'm gonna hold on tight this weekend. I know if I can stay on path for several weeks the urges and cravings and thoughts will subside, the problem lies in getting through those weeks.

      I didn't mean to write a freakin book; just wanted to say thank you for thinking of me.

  5. Definitely thinking of you, and admitting it is good. You're holding yourself accountable. Don't stop doing that.

  6. Definitely thinking of you, and admitting it is good. You're holding yourself accountable. Don't stop doing that.