Friday, August 3, 2012


I need to get honest with myself if I ever want to get back on my path to recovery. Since my last posting I've gotten high; well more like everyday since posting I've used dope, even today right before posting this. I hate myself and want to change what I'm doing. I'm scared to get clean. I'm scared to shoot dope. I told myself after shooting up today that this would be it for me, the last time, the last hoopla, go out with a blast, quit fucking my life up and start getting clean again. I meant it. I even looked myself straight on in the mirror and said out loud, "that is it give this shit up it ain't worth it". I sure hope I have the strength to do it.

Once again I ask anyone who happens to come upon my blog, send me some hope, strenght and positive energy because I will definitely need it.

I fucking hate being a junkie.


  1. Okay... so you aren't up to doing AA/NA. That means you a probably going to do this yourself. So I'm going to as one question.
    How's that working for you?

    If nothing else, the people in those rooms are on your side and want more than anything for you to kick it.

    Yeah, I know their story's aren't the same as yours. That's okay. Listen for the similarities. The key is listen. You don't have to talk.

  2. Ivan;
    Although I do appreciate your concern, I gotta tell you you're comment pissed me off. I've been to NA, in fact I attended meetings for a few years. I went through the whole shebang, I got a sponsor, I had a home group, I worked my steps. But I disagree with you that the "people in the rooms are on my side and want nothing for me but to kick, that's a load of crap. I won't go into all the details but I had several traumatic experiences with not only my support group but my sponsor as well. Everyone of them lied to me for months about my girlfriend cheating on me. They all knew, including my sponsor who I would spill my guts out to, crying and crying; completely devastated not knowing why my girlfriend left. I would go to meetings and pour my heart out about my pain and not one of them stepped up to the plate and told me what was going on. Now granted, that is not a conversation I would want to have with a person I was close to either but you know what I would do it. I was a fucking mess. I was devastated and heartbroken and not a single person could tell me it wasn't my fault. That my ex was a cheating whore and that I didn't do anything wrong.

    If that's "wanting what's best for me" and supporting someone in need - well you can have it. The situation completely turned me off to NA. It just isn't for me. If it works for other people well then that's great for them. I don't judge the program or what it is about. A lot of literature and ideals I believe in, it's the people who I don't.

    Sorry if I came off as a bitch...this is just a nonnegotiable thing for me. And for right now "it's working just fine for me".