Why do I do this to myself? I got home this morning and the little red light is flashing away on my answering machine, yes I still live in the stone ages with an acutal answering machine, so I hit the button while juggling grocery bags and trying to not squash my cat in the process. "This is so and so from so and so firm, I have you listed as an emergency contact for a L... E.. blah blah blah. I froze. What did she just say? Did she say that name, the name that even 2 years later still sends butterflies through me? I hope she didn't say her name. Re-play, yep she did.
My first thought: How the hell did SHE get this number? When we were together we each had cell phones. This is a new number. When did she get it and why is she listing me as a contact. Does she still think of me?
After torturing myself for a few minutes I called the number. Although the woman can't tell me exactly the reason for wanting to contact L, I have a pretty good idea. It has something to do with a litigation said the woman. Oh. Okay. Is she hurt? Is she in trouble? Why in the world do I care so much? When are these thoughts and feelings for this woman who completely devastated me gonna go away? When will I stop thinking of her and what I could have done differently? Why do I still love her?
It is time for me to meet someone. I am tired of being alone, no one next to me in that huge King size bed. Nobody to laugh with, to hug and kiss and be myself with. No one to cook for and no one to fuzzle my hair before I fall asleep.
To the big guy up in the sky,
could you please send me a girl, one who will love me and respect me and NOT cheat and .....
I promise I'll be good, please I'm dying of loneliness over here.
Ok....I can totally relate to this post. I'm hoping that this year will be different for me too.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that feeling ever goes away, unfortunately. I know all to well from experience...7 years later, still heart pangs where I hear the name, and I am happily married!
ReplyDeleteI hope the big guy listens and sends you a beautiful, caring, hair-fuzzling, woman to fill your heart and your bed!
Happy New Years!
Yeah....I can totally relate to your feelings, my friend.
ReplyDelete*love the photo.
After I split up with my ex I felt the same way. He was my first love, so it was especially tender.
Sometimes I think we go through these barren times as a way to get reaquainted with ourselves. For me, I discovered self-love, which was something that was so foreign to me at the time.
You're an AWESOME lady, my friend. And I know the big guy in the sky is looking out for you.
Remember....you are ALWAYS loved.
X
Gavin
ReplyDeleteI hope love finds you this year too!
Haley,
Really still after 7 years and marriage? Not very comforting for me.
Ron,
Is it just bc she was my "first real love"? Believe me "selflove" is getting rather old, if you know what I mean, wink!
this one really struck a chord with me. i have felt that feeling... exactly that feeling. only not exactly because every heartbreak is unique. it's the same... only so different. and that means it's the kind of pain that people can sympathize with, but never empathize.
ReplyDeletei'm lonely, too. and i know who i want to make me not lonely anymore, but i don't think it's going to happen, and sometimes that makes me even more lonely. sometimes i just want to roll over in bed and feel a body next to mine. someone to wake up, only half way and reach out and acknowledge me and then fall back asleep.
i believe you'll find someone. i haven't known you very long, but i know you through your blog, and i believe that you will keep missing L and keep loving L and one day it will just change. and you won't. and there will be someone new, who makes you smile... who gives you the happy butterflies, not the sad, nervous ones.
Kateyleigh
ReplyDeleteaww you made me cry a little bit when I read your comment. I had a pretty shitty day all around, work sucked and then of course the damned phone call about L, but then I got home and there was this message just waiting for me. Someone who understands and doesn't judge and wishes the best for me. I know it sounds sappy and we don't really know eachother but it really made me smile inside when I read your comment, so thank you! I needed that tonite.
If that guy from Mental Poo offers advice, I suggest that you ignore it.
ReplyDeleteSeriously - I am pretty sure I know what you mean and would suggest that those feelings will never entirely go away. They will just become less strong and you will have some control over what brings them up.
I hope the Big Guy comes through for you. He did for me when I was dying of loneliness and prayed the same prayer. He took his sweet ass time, of course, but he more than made up for it by blessing me with my wonderful and amazing and {dare I say it?} faithful husband.
ReplyDeleteLoneliness is the most difficult thing in the world to navigate through. I fear it more than anything. I'm so sorry you're feeling alone right now. Even though our alone times can be therapeutic, being loved and in a committed relationship is even better. I wish that for you and will send up a little back-up prayer so the Big Guy won't forget.
Onward to 2010! May this be your year of fulfillment and happiness!
Alix,
ReplyDeleteThank you for that extra little prayer for this lonely little waitress, I sure could use all the help I can get. "Loneliness is the most difficult thing in the world to navigate through" I couldn't agree with you more! Sometimes it's just nice to have somebody else there to read the compass.