I love you Suzy grandma

If anyone reading this is from the Pittsburgh area you may have seen on the news recently about a dirtbag that owned Penn Hills Monument Company. If you have not heard of this jerk off here's the jist.... this creep was taking people's money for headstones and instead of paying granite companies and engravers he took the money and purchased such items as concert tickets, jewelry, restaurants etc. Well his ass finally got caught in the sling. Allegheny county detectives finally had enough evidence to arrest his ass. I believe there were roughly 62 people that he did this to, my family being one of them.

My Suzy grandma, that's what I called her, passed away in March of 2011. My parents who are blue collar, hard-working American citizens believe in giving the "little guy" business over a big shot company. So when it came time to order my gram's headstone they decided to use the guy I mentioned above. Needless to say they had no idea of what he was doing. So we got robbed along with many other grieving families. This man took my parents money and bought everything but the headstone they had ordered.

Just when they thought they were going to have to buy another stone, one of the granite companies this jagoff screwed over called my dad and told him they had 5 blank stones and we were one of the lucky 5 to get one. I don't know why or how it all happened but my grandmother finally has her marker. So now when I go to visit her I can see her name and touch it too. And of course it's no match to having her here but it is a relief to know that she will never be forgotten.

I may have written a blog when she passed, I can't remember but if you had the chance to meet this woman you would've loved her instantly. She was special. She was the most generous, honest, faithful, compassionate, fun-loving lady you'll ever meet. I don't say this just because she's my grandma, I say it because it's true. She was truly remarkable and she is missed terribly.

I miss her. She always said the same thing whenever I was having a bad day or was feeling down. She'd say, "everything is going to be okay". And you know something grandma - you were right everything IS going to be okay!

I am outraged, pissed off and ready to fucking hurt someone right now! 

I am currently looking for a new job and someone told me that Cigna was hiring in its claims department. So I logged onto their site and actually found a position that seemed to fit what I was looking for. I cliked on the job description and everything seemed to be good until I got to this little blurb, which I will share with you in a just a moment. When I read this paragraph, a measly couple of sentences I became instantly enraged and went completely apeshit! I literally screamed out loud, " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?". My poor cat took off running I yelled so loud.

Ok so I am a smoker (cigarettes here folks, not crack or pot) and yes I understand that it's bad for me. I also get the 2nd hand smoke thing too, well to a degree. I'm just being honest. But in my eyes it is what it is, so I smoke big fucking deal right? WRONG according to Cigna. Here is the paragraph that was embedded in their job posting:

Cigna strongly embraces the scientific evidence that the use of tobacco products is harmful to the health of the user, the user’s family, and the general public.  Cigna's mission is to improve the health, well-being and security of the people we serve, which starts with our employees. Starting with job offers dated January 1, 2014, Cigna will no longer hire – where state law permits -- applicants who use tobacco products, including cigarettes, cigars and chewing or smokeless tobacco.  Currently, these states are: AL, AK, AZ, AR, DE, FL, GA, HI, IA, ID, KS, MD, MA, MI, NE, OH, PA, TX, UT, VT and WA.

If you’re passionate about making a difference one individual at a time, and would like to join the Cigna team, you’ll be screened for nicotine as part of the pre-employment drug screen in states that allow the screening. If you test positive for nicotine, although we won’t be able to offer you employment, we encourage you to check with your medical provider to explore your options and resources for quitting. Once you’re tobacco-free, you may re-apply for jobs with Cigna in [six] months.

So no matter how qualifed I am for this position or how hard of a worker I am I would be turned down simply because of a choice that I make to smoke. Since when did America become a communist country? Is it really any of their business what I choose to do on my own time? I cannot fathom how this is possibly legal. Is this not discrimination? Are they turning down applicants because they may have a drink of wine with their dinner? Are they turning away people who overeat? 

I could understand if I filled out my online application, got an interview but got turned down because I wasn't qualified or didn't answer their questions the way they wanted them to be but to not even be considered because I smoke is a fucking outrage. Who the hell do these people think they are?

I hope somehow someone from this people-bashing company gets wind of my post because believe me I searched their site for a place to contact them to give them a piece of my mind but couldn't find one. God please let someone see this! I am just so pissed off right now I don't even know what else to say.

So to anyone who reads this thank you for being my sounding board.

How do you know when a junkie is lying?... Her lips are moving

There is a reason I named this blog Confessions of Me and I've got to tell you have one big fat confession to make. I've been using again. Well let me be completely honest, I never stopped using. It's been so long now that I can't even remember when I started or how long it's actually been. I fucking hate myself and what I've become AGAIN.

I've been hiding this, surprisingly well from my family. Or maybe they just are in denial I'm not exactly sure. I've actually had to move back in with my parents. That was back in September and I told myself that when I did that backward slip that I'd quit using. Fat fucking chance. I have not been able to stop. It's absurd! I am actually prescribed methadone for Christ's sake what the fuck is wrong with me. For the past 3 months when I get my script filled I have every intention of "kicking" with the meth but do I do it? No, instead I sell my damn medicine and buy heroin instead. I am so fed up and disgusted with myself. I'm sick of crying about it, I'm sick of thinking about it, I'm just so fucking sick and tired of it all. I literally hate every fiber of my being at this moment...and yet the answer is right in front of my face - QUIT FUCKING USING!!!!!!

So if anyone is reading this I am going to put this out there one more time...when I get my script on Friday that's it; I'm done. God you just have no idea how much I want this to be a true statement that I stick to. Please somebody, anybody put out some good vibes for me. I cannot keep up with this habit. It is so out of control and I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't have any money. If my parents were to find out, it would absolutely kill them. Especially my mom. She wouldn't be able to cope I know she wouldn't. I am ready but am I willing?

What it all boils down to is fear. I'm afraid of the pain again, the games my mind plays on me. Here's some brutally honest junkie shit... I'll miss it. Not the having no money or the infections and abscesses that I have to lance myself because I surely can't go to my doctor to have him do it. He'd cut my methadone off in a heartbeat and then I'd be really fucked. No what I'll miss is the "process"... the risk I take by copping, the anticipation I feel when the bags are in my hand and I'm on my way to a place to get off. I'll miss all the preparation, opening the bags, putting on the water and cooking it up. What I will miss most of all is sticking myself with a new needle and feeling it slide into me like butter, hitting that vein and watching the blood rush back into my rig - yep as sick as it sounds that is what I will miss. Believe it or not it isn't the "high" because after all these years I don't even get high anymore. So as I'm writing this I'm also thinking to myself what the fuck? Is what I just wrote really something to miss? Shouldn't I be missing my life, my sanity, my money. The ability to do anything without having to make sure I have enough dope to get me to work, in the shower, to go to the store, shit to wake up?

Heroin is simply the devil reincarnated into powder. This shit will bring anyone down to their knees and I just cannot believe I let myself do it again. How many times will it take for me to learn that I cannot use dope as a social drug? How much pain do I have to put myself through? How much pain do I have to cause my family members? How much is too much?

I'm not going to make promises but I am going to try this again. I have to hang on til Friday. The day of reckoning - the day that I hopefully am strong enough to get my life back. I deserve it. I'm not a horrible person, I'm a sick person. I need to just throw away all of my paraphernalia and I do mean all of it because what I usually do is keep one syringe "just in case". No more just in cases. I want my life back...please help me.

I've been dealing with addiction since I was 13 years old and I'll be 36 come January isn't that enough time? I think I put in my dues. It's high time I do something for myself. Okay I needed to get all of that out. I'd like to say that I'm all gung ho about it but truth be told I'm scared to death. No offense to anyone who happens to come across this... but God please help me, allow me to accept your help once and for all.