Last week I posted about having had relapsed and how bad I was struggling with it. Well I have continued to use just about everyday (including today) since that post. However today I made a decision that this is it. I know I've made this declaration 100's of times before in my life but I am honestly and truly going to try and give it my very best no matter how hard it is.
I am so disgusted with myself and the situation I've put myself into again. I was paid on Friday and already my account is negative. I have lost all semblance of control and for whatever reason, I finally accepted this today. I'm not going to question where it's coming from, this sense of power, this urge to stop this complete surrender to an addiction that is robbing me of life.
I have disposed of all of the paraphernalia in the house, which doesn't really mean much; needles are not hard to come by believe it or not. They can actually be sold in drug stores now without a prescription.
The biggest step I took today was deleting every single drug dealer's phone number from my cell. I also deleted every dialed call, received call and text from phone regardless of who they were from. I have got to get this behind me and move on before it becomes too late.
If you could see the damage I've done to my body in the last few months you'd be astonished. The veins in my arms have been gone for several years so I had to resort to my legs, breasts, feet and femoral veins. My body looks like it's been through a war zone; there are deep dark purple bruises all over my thighs and feet and I think I'm developing several accesses as well. Like I said this isn't going to be a walk in the park but most things in life aren't easy. If I did it before, I can do it again.
I just don't want to be a junkie anymore.
