THE TIME IS NOW...

I have decided that it's time to quit smoking. With that said I gotta tell you I'm scared shitless!
I've been smoking since I was12 years old. That's a long time. I just know that if I don't do it now I'm going to pay for it in the end.
My dad had a nearly fatal heart attck, my mom almost stroked out and my grandma had lung cancer. So needless to say I have a family history going on.
I'm gonna try the patches. My stubborn ass mother quit cold turkey but I don't have that in me. So when this carton is gone that's it! I'm not only doing this for health reasons, it's just too damn expensive.
wish me luck along with anyone I happen to encounter in the next few months!!! I'm gonna be miserable.
HERE Goes nothing!

Feelings of HURT

Today I'm feeling extremely sad and alone. I've had my feelings hurt more times that I can even put a number on and like everyone else I've been able to move past them. Which of course I'll be able to do with today's hurt but for a change I'm going to write about it. Who knows maybe it will help, can't hurt right??

I'll have to give a tiny back story on where I am in life at this time. I had moved back in with my parents over a year ago due to financial problems. I love my parents but living with them as an adult is difficult at times. I should maybe clarify, it's not my dad with whom I butt  heads with, it's my mom. And truth be told I do love her and admire her for many reasons. That said, she can be hurtful with her words which I don't think she even realizes. But I certainly do.

Last week for instance I piece of mail came addressed to me and on the envelope it said "do not tamper with". There was no return address on it anywhere. As soon as I walked in the door she threw it at me and said " what the fuck kinda trouble are you in now ". I wasn't taken back by her choice of words, my mom could make a sailor blush, but I was taken back with the attitude she had. I opened the the damn thing and all it was was an advertisement for Kia Motors. I showed it to her and instead of saying sorry for accusing me of being "in trouble", her response was "well what the fuck do you expect me to think". I let it go and went upstairs to cry. I will never ever be more than a fuck-up junkie to her.

Today's hurt came from several text messages she received from my cousin. My cousin is a little flakey and even though I've given her my phone number a zillion times she always manages to call / text my mom's phone. This was yet another one of those times. My mom starts flipping out on me asking me what the fuck am I involved in now and why is Kristen texting my phone and blah, blah, blah. I told her I didn't know what was going on and that I'd once again call my cousin and give her my cell number. Of course that just wasn't enough for my mom. She continued to rant and rave and basically treat me like a piece of shit. 

My mom left for the grocery store and I went up to talk to my dad. I was in tears and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He told me to get out of the house for a little bit and that he'd talk to her when she got home. Now I wasn't here when she came home so I can't say for certain what transpired between the two of them. I'm guessing it didn't go well because when I came in she looked me dead in the face and said, "what the fuck is your problem?". I tried to tell her that she had hurt my feelings by what she had said but she started mumbling something about her not having had said anything. A lost cause. 

She just doesn't understand me. She never has and she never will. It saddens me that we'll never have that "relationship" I've always wanted us to have. I have to accept her for who she is and pray that one day she'll see the light. For now all I can do is try to let her words trickle off me and go on with my day. 

I guess I feel a little better having put this all down on "paper" so if anyone happens to read it, thank you.

Random thoughts on a gloomy Saturday....

Well I can't remember whether or not I've posted about my job offering me a work from home position or not but in case I haven't...they did. Which by the way I am absolutely thrilled about, I cannot wait til everything is in order and I can start my workday without ever having to leave my house. That means no more having to clean the snow and ice from the car; which if I'm being honest, what I really do is go down and start my car and let it run for like 20 minutes until most of winter's "beautiful" gift has mostly melted away on its own! Geez that alone will save me hundreds of dollars in gas a year, I just absolutely, positively HATE the cold.

I'm not sure when this will happen but in the mean time they've started a pilot program which is allowing us to do our overtime for home. We don't use those big towers/hard drives anymore. We use something called a "virtual machine" which don't even bother asking... no freaking clue what it is. All I know is that it's like 10 times smaller than those tower things and that's about it. But the really cool thing about this thing is, I can somehow log into it using my laptop at home. I printed out the "instructions" on Friday which by the way was 25 pages long and thought to myself, "you may as well forget it, you'll never in a million years be able to figure this out". But to my total shock I was able to do it! Go me!!!!! I almost hit the floor when I figured out that I did it successfully. Me and technology are not the best of friends. But I like totally kicked ass today by installing this thing. So from now until I get sent home to work permanently I'll be able to work overtime from home. This is awesome for me because I don't usually work much OT because once quitting time rolls around my brain has turned to mush and I am so anxious that I'm ready to jump out of my own skin. This way I'll be able to take a break from it maybe take a little nap and then I can just log back on when I want and work another hour or 2 or whatever. I'm pretty sure I can work til like 9 p.m. With the holidays fast approaching I could really use the money so this will work out pefectly for me. Plus, I have got to get some serious cash stashed away and get my own place again.

Don't get me wrong I adore my parents but living with my mother as an adult is difficult to say the least. Christ almighty she didn't pay this much attention to me when I was 14! Now she wants to know where I'm going, who I'm going with and what time I plan on being home. And godforbid that I'm not home at the time I had said, she practically blows my phone up looking for me. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if she called upon the National Guard to go and look for my ass! Granted I gave the woman absolute hell when I was in my addiction but I've been behaved for a significant time now but she still has no trust at all in me.

She can be down right mean at times. For an example, on Friday a letter came in the mail for me the other day and the envelope ra stamp on it that said "do not tamper with" and had some kind of government looking insignia on it. There was no return address on it either. She literally flings it at me and says "what kind of trouble are you in now?" to which I reply, nothing I'm not in any trouble. I open the letter and here all it is is an advertisement for Kia Motor Company. I hand it to her and was like see, why do you always have to go there. Instead of apologizing she said something like, well how do you expect me to react? I was so fucking heartbroken that I ran up to my room and just cried. I'll never to anything more than a piece of shit junkie in her eyes. That hurts. I would just for once like to hear her say to me, that she's proud of me. I know I can't change who she is or any of the things that go through her mind. I know I can't blame her in a way but I just wish that she'd seem for who I am today and not the monster I once was.

I think this post is going to end up being much longer than I intended but there's been something major going on in my life that I can't say out loud to anyone. My very best friend in the world is incarcerated as I'm writing this, and he's still got about a year left to do. He actually ended up getting a great offer through the DA which I believe is going to save his life. My friend who'll I'll refer to for all intents purposes will be MCH. We met around 2 to 3 years ago and just immediately hit it off. I swear if I wasn't gay he would be my husband! We did actually give a romantic relationship a try for a while but I could not keep lying to myself and it wasn't fair to him either. I thought that when I had to give him the "breakup speech" MCH would hate me and we'd never speak again... so not the case. He completely understood and there were no hard feelings from either side. He is such an awesome guy. Anyways we have been writing these incredibly deep and honest letters while he's been away. We've gotten to know eachother on such an incredibly honest level that it actually amazes me. I have found my male soul mate. We're closer now than ever. MCH and I met while we were both using and although our relationship was "founded" on being junkies together we have always had a special connection. Well through our letters I found out that when he was married he had wanted children but his wife was just beginning her career in law and had no interest in starting a family. This broke his heart; he had always pictured himself a father but had given up on the idea even after they had been divorced.

I have always dreamed of being a mother and well I guess you can tell where this is headed - once gets out and we establish some serious boundaries, we are going to have a baby together! This is a huge commitment I know so I'm not jumping in without the two of us having several serious conversations but I'm going to get ( hopefully ) what I've always wanted - a beautiful, precious child with a man I admire and who will be a wonderful father. What more could I ask for?

Looking for my next tattoo

Internet world, I'm looking for an artist to help me; I have wanted a tattoo of a pin up girl for as long as I can remember but I have the hardest time finding exactly what I want and since I can't draw it's kinda impossible for me to "show" someone what it is that I'm looking for.

I know what I don't want. I don't want her to be cartoonish, I prefer realistic. I don't want the traditional big tits and ass trashy chick. And I don't really want a military style one either.

Here is what my idea is and it's very hard for me to get down into words the image I have of her in my mind. She has to be beautiful because I think women are beautiful and I want that represented in her. I'd prefer her to be a red head or a brunette, yes I want a color tat, no black and grey. And then here comes the tricky part, I want her to represent where I came from so I need her to be a heroin addict. I know right... how do you make a junkie beautiful? This is my problem.

I've searched all over the internet for pics of pin up girl tattoos and I've come across a few that I find attractive but not all the qualities I want are in the girls. The closest I've come is what I think in the tattoo world is referred to as sugar skull? Or possibly Zombie. Both of them are cartoonish and although I like them they aren't exactly what I want.

See this is going to be my last tattoo and it's going to be in a very visible spot, unlike my others that I can hide if need be. That's another dilema, since I want to represent the heroin addict I once was, I don't want to be looked at funny by society or potential employers, things of that nature.

I'm just so frustrated because I see her in my head but can't get her onto skin or even paper for that matter. So I'm hoping that there is an artist that just so happens to come accross my blog post and is willing to work with me on my dream.

Here are a couple of pics I found that I liked:

Yep, it's football season and I'm well prepared. I have a love for my Pittsburgh Steelers just as much as any other die hard fan. I love them when they're good, HATE them when suck and put up with them when they're just okay.

I grew up watching the games with my dad and his friends and didn't actually pay much attention to it until my late teens. But when I did finally start watching them play because I wanted to and not just because it was Sunday and Dad said that's what we're watching, I instantly fell in love with the sport.

Now I don't claim to be any kind of football guru and most of the time when that yellow flag goes flying through the air I have no idea why and didn't see what had transpired. That's because I only watch the quarterback and that's hard enough to keep track of. Honestly, I usually have a hard time finding the damn pigskin. Now my dad, the is like an enigma to me. That man can watch every single player, both on offense and defense, and is calling out penalties even before the referee's. I don't know how he does it. Espcially since he can't even find the hamper for his dirty or clothes, or the closet to hang up his coat. But I'm telling you my dad is amazing to watch while I watch the football game if that even makes sense.

Being raised in Pittsburgh gives me a certain kind of pride. I feel bad for the folks who haven't grown up here and who have shitty ass football teams... ie Cleveland. It almost feels like an honor to be able to watch these men play a game I have come to love. I don't get all riled up as some fans do. Sure I might yell out a profanity here or there when they do something stupid but for the most part I just sit back and watch my dad watch the game. It's something that has deepened our bond. I'm a daddy's girl even though I'm approaching the age of 37. Always have always will be.

Weird how my mind works, when I started to write this blog post I only meant to talk about my favorite football team but as it turns out I guess I had more than just football on my mind. As I get older and begin to mature I notice that instead of going to my mother for advise, I've always kinda shifted to my dad. I don't know if that's the way most father-daughter relationships are or not but that's the way ours is, my dad and I.

I can tell it hurts my mom's feelings but I just can't help it. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother just as much as I do my dad. It's just that my mom isn't the type who can just sit there and listen; she has to "fix". Sometimes I just need to vent or to cry and I'm not looking for advise, I'm just wanting a shoulder to cry on and my dad has the ability to distinguish when and what I need at the moment. I don't intend to give my mom a bad rap because she is one of the most giving people I've ever come across, she's just not good with listening to someone. She's always got an answer or if it's something that makes her uncomfortable she'll just get up and leave the room. Take the time I came out and told my parents that I was a lesbian.

I was 19 years old and I asked my parents to join me in their living room, that I had something I wanted to tell them. I could almost feel the tension coming from my mother in the air surrounding us. When I told them I was crying and I don't know why but I also appologized for it. Now I know that's a pretty big bombshell to drop on your parents but my mom did not take the news well. She was pretty much speechless and when she did try to say something, no words could come out. After about 5 minutes she just left the room.

My dad then came over to the loveseat I was sitting on and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He never even finched when I told them. His eyes were a bit misty but other than that he didn't say anything either. But you see that's exactly what I needed - a sounding board, someone I could finally tell this secret to. It was the 2nd hardest conversation I've ever had to have with them.

When I had finally calmed down and stopped crying my dad let go. I fell back into the sofa and felt completely drained. You know what my dad said? He grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sugarbear, you are my daughter and frankly your sex life is none of my business. All I want for you is to be happy and if it's going to be a woman who does that well then that's just what it is. Quite frankly I don't want to know who is having sex with my little girl". That last sentence cracked me up and the two of just burst out laughing. My mom came back when she heard us laughing but she still didn't say much.

After I had gotten home to my own apartment that night, she called and said that she wasn't mad but she felt bad. She said that she didn't want my life to be any harder than it had to be. That I could respect. I would think that most parents would feel that same way. It's just so damn strange to me that I can talk to my father about who I'm dating or if we're watching a movie I can say to him something like "Geez, she's hot as hell"!

I don't know how this post turned into all of this and it probably doesn't make any sense because I'm trying to keep up typing the words that are spewing from my mind. So before I get all jumbled up I'm gonna shut it down for tonite and maybe I'll read it in the morning. Or maybe I won't. Maybe it was just meant to be. I don't know.

It's the beginning of my favorite season...fall! I absolutely am in love with the smells and beautiful colors that surround us during this time. I just love pulling out my favorite old worn ratty jeans and sweaters and heading off with my dad to a high school football game or just taking a book to the park and enjoy the world around me.

Does this sound corny? Oh well I don't really care if it does. I love this time of year. Some prefer summer but for me it's just too damn hot ( well not so much this time around ) and others like spring ( too wet ), while others enjoy the winter ( oh HELL no, too damn cold ). I wish I was a little kid again so I could rake up a giant pile of leaves and just jump into them! My brother and I used to do that all the time and it was just so much fun. I guess the innocence of youth may have had something to do with that but it was just plain AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Living here in Pittsburgh I have noticed for the last few years that we don't get the whole 4 seasons like we used to. I miss them, well not winter anyway. I'm no environmentalist but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out - our climate is changing. No this is not going to be a post about global warming or the hole in the ozone layer, just a happy, nonchalant blurb about my love of autumn.

I've been struggling the last few months and having this good feeling is a huge relief for me. If you've never stopped by you wouldn't know what I'm referring to but any of you guys out there that have been here since the beginning know what I struggle with. I don't want to go into it and spoil the warm feeling in my heart so I won't. I'm just going to sit on the back porch and enjoy the beautiful fall evening!

Anyone else out there a fan of autumn? I'd love to hear from you....

I love you Suzy grandma

If anyone reading this is from the Pittsburgh area you may have seen on the news recently about a dirtbag that owned Penn Hills Monument Company. If you have not heard of this jerk off here's the jist.... this creep was taking people's money for headstones and instead of paying granite companies and engravers he took the money and purchased such items as concert tickets, jewelry, restaurants etc. Well his ass finally got caught in the sling. Allegheny county detectives finally had enough evidence to arrest his ass. I believe there were roughly 62 people that he did this to, my family being one of them.

My Suzy grandma, that's what I called her, passed away in March of 2011. My parents who are blue collar, hard-working American citizens believe in giving the "little guy" business over a big shot company. So when it came time to order my gram's headstone they decided to use the guy I mentioned above. Needless to say they had no idea of what he was doing. So we got robbed along with many other grieving families. This man took my parents money and bought everything but the headstone they had ordered.

Just when they thought they were going to have to buy another stone, one of the granite companies this jagoff screwed over called my dad and told him they had 5 blank stones and we were one of the lucky 5 to get one. I don't know why or how it all happened but my grandmother finally has her marker. So now when I go to visit her I can see her name and touch it too. And of course it's no match to having her here but it is a relief to know that she will never be forgotten.

I may have written a blog when she passed, I can't remember but if you had the chance to meet this woman you would've loved her instantly. She was special. She was the most generous, honest, faithful, compassionate, fun-loving lady you'll ever meet. I don't say this just because she's my grandma, I say it because it's true. She was truly remarkable and she is missed terribly.

I miss her. She always said the same thing whenever I was having a bad day or was feeling down. She'd say, "everything is going to be okay". And you know something grandma - you were right everything IS going to be okay!

I am outraged, pissed off and ready to fucking hurt someone right now! 

I am currently looking for a new job and someone told me that Cigna was hiring in its claims department. So I logged onto their site and actually found a position that seemed to fit what I was looking for. I cliked on the job description and everything seemed to be good until I got to this little blurb, which I will share with you in a just a moment. When I read this paragraph, a measly couple of sentences I became instantly enraged and went completely apeshit! I literally screamed out loud, " ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?". My poor cat took off running I yelled so loud.

Ok so I am a smoker (cigarettes here folks, not crack or pot) and yes I understand that it's bad for me. I also get the 2nd hand smoke thing too, well to a degree. I'm just being honest. But in my eyes it is what it is, so I smoke big fucking deal right? WRONG according to Cigna. Here is the paragraph that was embedded in their job posting:

Cigna strongly embraces the scientific evidence that the use of tobacco products is harmful to the health of the user, the user’s family, and the general public.  Cigna's mission is to improve the health, well-being and security of the people we serve, which starts with our employees. Starting with job offers dated January 1, 2014, Cigna will no longer hire – where state law permits -- applicants who use tobacco products, including cigarettes, cigars and chewing or smokeless tobacco.  Currently, these states are: AL, AK, AZ, AR, DE, FL, GA, HI, IA, ID, KS, MD, MA, MI, NE, OH, PA, TX, UT, VT and WA.

If you’re passionate about making a difference one individual at a time, and would like to join the Cigna team, you’ll be screened for nicotine as part of the pre-employment drug screen in states that allow the screening. If you test positive for nicotine, although we won’t be able to offer you employment, we encourage you to check with your medical provider to explore your options and resources for quitting. Once you’re tobacco-free, you may re-apply for jobs with Cigna in [six] months.

So no matter how qualifed I am for this position or how hard of a worker I am I would be turned down simply because of a choice that I make to smoke. Since when did America become a communist country? Is it really any of their business what I choose to do on my own time? I cannot fathom how this is possibly legal. Is this not discrimination? Are they turning down applicants because they may have a drink of wine with their dinner? Are they turning away people who overeat? 

I could understand if I filled out my online application, got an interview but got turned down because I wasn't qualified or didn't answer their questions the way they wanted them to be but to not even be considered because I smoke is a fucking outrage. Who the hell do these people think they are?

I hope somehow someone from this people-bashing company gets wind of my post because believe me I searched their site for a place to contact them to give them a piece of my mind but couldn't find one. God please let someone see this! I am just so pissed off right now I don't even know what else to say.

So to anyone who reads this thank you for being my sounding board.

How do you know when a junkie is lying?... Her lips are moving

There is a reason I named this blog Confessions of Me and I've got to tell you have one big fat confession to make. I've been using again. Well let me be completely honest, I never stopped using. It's been so long now that I can't even remember when I started or how long it's actually been. I fucking hate myself and what I've become AGAIN.

I've been hiding this, surprisingly well from my family. Or maybe they just are in denial I'm not exactly sure. I've actually had to move back in with my parents. That was back in September and I told myself that when I did that backward slip that I'd quit using. Fat fucking chance. I have not been able to stop. It's absurd! I am actually prescribed methadone for Christ's sake what the fuck is wrong with me. For the past 3 months when I get my script filled I have every intention of "kicking" with the meth but do I do it? No, instead I sell my damn medicine and buy heroin instead. I am so fed up and disgusted with myself. I'm sick of crying about it, I'm sick of thinking about it, I'm just so fucking sick and tired of it all. I literally hate every fiber of my being at this moment...and yet the answer is right in front of my face - QUIT FUCKING USING!!!!!!

So if anyone is reading this I am going to put this out there one more time...when I get my script on Friday that's it; I'm done. God you just have no idea how much I want this to be a true statement that I stick to. Please somebody, anybody put out some good vibes for me. I cannot keep up with this habit. It is so out of control and I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't have any money. If my parents were to find out, it would absolutely kill them. Especially my mom. She wouldn't be able to cope I know she wouldn't. I am ready but am I willing?

What it all boils down to is fear. I'm afraid of the pain again, the games my mind plays on me. Here's some brutally honest junkie shit... I'll miss it. Not the having no money or the infections and abscesses that I have to lance myself because I surely can't go to my doctor to have him do it. He'd cut my methadone off in a heartbeat and then I'd be really fucked. No what I'll miss is the "process"... the risk I take by copping, the anticipation I feel when the bags are in my hand and I'm on my way to a place to get off. I'll miss all the preparation, opening the bags, putting on the water and cooking it up. What I will miss most of all is sticking myself with a new needle and feeling it slide into me like butter, hitting that vein and watching the blood rush back into my rig - yep as sick as it sounds that is what I will miss. Believe it or not it isn't the "high" because after all these years I don't even get high anymore. So as I'm writing this I'm also thinking to myself what the fuck? Is what I just wrote really something to miss? Shouldn't I be missing my life, my sanity, my money. The ability to do anything without having to make sure I have enough dope to get me to work, in the shower, to go to the store, shit to wake up?

Heroin is simply the devil reincarnated into powder. This shit will bring anyone down to their knees and I just cannot believe I let myself do it again. How many times will it take for me to learn that I cannot use dope as a social drug? How much pain do I have to put myself through? How much pain do I have to cause my family members? How much is too much?

I'm not going to make promises but I am going to try this again. I have to hang on til Friday. The day of reckoning - the day that I hopefully am strong enough to get my life back. I deserve it. I'm not a horrible person, I'm a sick person. I need to just throw away all of my paraphernalia and I do mean all of it because what I usually do is keep one syringe "just in case". No more just in cases. I want my life back...please help me.

I've been dealing with addiction since I was 13 years old and I'll be 36 come January isn't that enough time? I think I put in my dues. It's high time I do something for myself. Okay I needed to get all of that out. I'd like to say that I'm all gung ho about it but truth be told I'm scared to death. No offense to anyone who happens to come across this... but God please help me, allow me to accept your help once and for all.

What happened to the holidays?

So I  don't know about anyone else but I am sick to death of our holidays being forgotten or rushed. We just had Halloween and Thanksgiving isn't being recognized at all! We've gone straight to freakin Christmas, how in the hell does this happen?

I'm tired of it. I remember as a kid that half of the fun was the anticipation. No more of that. I saw on one of the tv channels, I think it's the Family channel that they are already running a Christmas movie/show marathon. Geez can we all gobble up some turkey first?

Everything especially Christmas is no longer about giving, loving, remembering and spending time with loved ones. It's about capitalism and how much money these stores can make off of us. It actually saddens me to think that kids today don't have a clue what Christmas is really about. Commercial after commercial for presents and toys are crammed down there throats every damn minute of the day.

Just ranting and needed to share. My wonderful aunt sent me this picture and by God ain't it the truth?

I have no idea what the hell happened to my blog page

I don't know if anyone can even read this. I haven't been on my blog in months and when I logged on tonight I was like WTF!!!! It has all these block things beneath my page and you can't read shit. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to just delete the blog and start fresh with a new one.

If anyone can see this and give me some help it would be much appreciated!!


thanks

START OF A NEW DAY

Last week I posted about having had relapsed and how bad I was struggling with it. Well I have continued to use just about everyday (including today) since that post. However today I made a decision that this is it. I know I've made this declaration 100's of times before in my life but I am honestly and truly going to try and give it my very best no matter how hard it is.

I am so disgusted with myself and the situation I've put myself into again. I was paid on Friday and already my account is negative. I have lost all semblance of control and for whatever reason, I finally accepted this today. I'm not going to question where it's coming from, this sense of power, this urge to stop this complete surrender to an addiction that is robbing me of life.

I have disposed of all of the paraphernalia in the house, which doesn't really mean much; needles are not hard to come by believe it or not. They can actually be sold in drug stores now without a prescription.

The biggest step I took today was deleting every single drug dealer's phone number from my cell. I also deleted every dialed call, received call and text from phone regardless of who they were from. I have got to get this behind me and move on before it becomes too late.

If you could see the damage I've done to my body in the last few months you'd be astonished. The veins in my arms have been gone for several years so I had to resort to my legs, breasts, feet and femoral veins. My body looks like it's been through a war zone; there are deep dark purple bruises all over my thighs and feet and I think I'm developing several accesses as well. Like I said this isn't going to be a walk in the park but most things in life aren't easy. If I did it before, I can do it again.

I just don't want to be a junkie anymore.

Anyone looking for a roomie for 2 weeks?

So about 2 months ago a friend of mine needed a place to stay, long story of why which I won't bore you with.  This friend and I had already had an agreement that in September she would be renting my apartment and I would be moving; so I decided out of the goodness of my heart to let her stay until I moved out. Turned out to be a BIG mistake.

I've been living alone for the last 5 years and I've grown accustom to it, nevertheless I knew that there would be some aggravation letting her stay here but I felt bad that she really did not have anywhere else to go. OK so the first week wasn't so bad but then the true colors started shining through. Not only is this woman strange ( in the way that she's 33 yrs old and in love with Hello fucking kitty) but she is also a slob. Now granted I am not the cleanest person on the face of the earth. I don't piss pine sol or anything but the one thing I cannot stand is clutter. Needless to say with me moving there are boxes piled in every available inch of my apartment; however there is still a place for everything that can't be packed at the moment and these things like their "homes".  Well she doesn't put them back into their respective places nor does she clean up after herself. I swear to God I feel like I am living with a 5 year old.

Here's an example; the other morning when leaving for work I noticed the garbage was full. I wanted to do a little experiment to see if she'd do what any normal person in the world would do and take it out. Well when I got home from work not only did she not take the garbage out, she left her trash on my kitchen counter! WTF is wrong with people?

So besides her not helping with groceries, which by the way she has absolutely no problem eating, not helping me at all with cleaning the apartment, now she's starting to buy furniture for when it's her place. That I have no problem with. I already cleaned out the storage area in the basement and told her that what ever she buys she can put down there. So today she comes home with a couch she bought. The damn thing would not fit through the basement door. She asked if she could just leave it up here in the house. I said to her, " and exactly where were you thinking a couch would fit not to mention come Sept 1st when I am moving all my shit out I don't need to do it through a fucking obstacle course of her shit". I told her the best thing I could come up with is to put it on the porch and cover it with a tarp. I didn't want to be a bitch but seriously if she even attempted to help me in anyway shape or form I might have let her keep the couch leaned up against the hallway wall but no fuck her.

I can't wait to get into my new place where I can just be alone again and not have to watch stupid ass t.v. shows like Hillbilly Hand-fishing and Storage Wars because yes she has also taken over the TV! Oh give me the strength not to kill this bitch.

THERE ISN'T A TITLE IN THE WORLD THAT COULD COME CLOSE TO GIVING THIS JUSTICE

I need to get honest with myself if I ever want to get back on my path to recovery. Since my last posting I've gotten high; well more like everyday since posting I've used dope, even today right before posting this. I hate myself and want to change what I'm doing. I'm scared to get clean. I'm scared to shoot dope. I told myself after shooting up today that this would be it for me, the last time, the last hoopla, go out with a blast, quit fucking my life up and start getting clean again. I meant it. I even looked myself straight on in the mirror and said out loud, "that is it give this shit up it ain't worth it". I sure hope I have the strength to do it.

Once again I ask anyone who happens to come upon my blog, send me some hope, strenght and positive energy because I will definitely need it.

I fucking hate being a junkie.

DAY 2

I made it through yesterday without too much difficulty, but I know day 1 isn't the worst of it. Today will probably be more of a challenge. Thank God for methadone and benzo's they'll take the edge off of my physical symptoms.  The thoughts that run through my head are a completely different story. Fighting myself is like fighting the devil - he has all the power and prestige and I have nothing but white knuckles and hope.

Hope is a funny thing...it's there deep inside me but it is so very hard to depend on. If anyone comes across this blog today....Please, please, please keep HOPE in your thoughts for me today.

I was going through some of my writings yesterday and came across this one, I had actually posted it once before but I'd like to share it again, for your benefit, to try and explain where I am in my head but also for my benefit so I remember just exactly what I will become again if I don't do this:

The flame dances underneath the dull, tarnished spoon creating a bubbling cauldron of poison. I drop the pillow of cotton into the hot liquid and as it absorbs the mixture my mouth waters and my body tingles. I draw my dose up into the needle, anticipating its numbing effects. The dull needle pierces my skin like a nail and I flinch in pain. I pull back on the plunger and watch the dark stream of red blood flow back into the syringe, and I push. The heroin slams into my vein like a roaring freight train, crossing over the synapses of my brain and washing my entire body in warmth, I am home, I am content. Smack is my lover, my friend, my medicine. I can no longer function without it. It is always there for me when I need it. It takes away the rawness of what my life has become; a constant search for nothingness.

My body melts into the dirty chair, my breath catches in my throat; this is premo dope. I can barely open my eyes they are so heavy. My arms feel like lead as I try to extract the needle from my swollen vein. Blood runs down my arm, I lick it up like a dog. I can feel the nod coming on strong and heavy and I hold my breath waiting for it to take me to that place; the dark place where no light can enter, no thoughts can roam, and no feelings can be felt. Being on the nod is like being semiconscious. I can hear the others around me talking, but it’s just murmurs, nothing really makes sense but I don’t care. I am where I need to be.

When I wake there is a long string of drool from the corner of my mouth and my body is no longer on the chair. I am lying face down on the filthy worn carpet and I am alone. They have all left to go score and left me here to die. This is happening more often, me falling out and not remembering what happened. It doesn’t frighten me like it should, it just is. I pull myself back onto the chair and rummage through my pockets for a cigarette. I pull out a little blue bag with the words Jaguar stamped on the front, and I remember that I had saved one bag just in case my body didn’t succumb to the shot I had just taken. I am playing Russian roulette with my life, waiting for the jolt that will end this misery. I light a cigarette and cook up my last bag of dope.

I am a junkie. I am an animal. I do not bathe, I do not eat, I do not live; I scavenge. I am a lost soul. I am looking for death to release me from the pain that I am in. I did not start out like this. I was a smart, funny, and shy little girl who was loved and cared for. My parents raised me with morals and values and did right by me. I was not abused or neglected. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted, so I cannot blame my upbringing on the monster that I have become. No, I am responsible for the decisions I made and the actions that I took. This hell that I live in is all my own doing. This is all that I know to do; use drugs and cover up the feelings and emotions that are dying to be felt. If I were to allow myself to feel these things I would surely kill myself.

Dirty Little Secret....

I have not been onto my blogger account in like a year and I have no idea why this morning I decided to not only log on but post something as well.  Maybe it's because I've really been fucking up lately and there is no human in my life that I can actually tell what I've been doing.  I feel like I need to tell someone so why not the entire world wide web! Ok I don't want to try to be my normal funny self because what I've been doing is no laughing matter, but rather a matter of life and death. Alright enough beating around the bush; I have been using heroin again. There I said it.

Back in December I started interferon treatment for my Hepatitis C, which I contracted some 10 years ago by sharing needles with other i.v. drug users.  This treatment is something similar to chemo and it sucked. It made me feel like a piece of dog shit and I wanted anything to take it away; hence heroin.  I had been off of smack for almost 5 years and like so many addicts I thought after all that time I could just do it once in a while.  I mean come on I know where it takes me and I can control it this time so that it won't suck me back into a life I fought so hard to get out of.  Yea well addicts not only lie to everyone around them, we lie to ourselves too.

I had literally destroyed every vein in both of my arms and for this treatment lab work had to be drawn every week, so for convenience the doctor had a picc line inserted into me.  Yea talk about convenience, this time around I didn't have to poke myself over and over and spend hours trying to find a vein.  I just used the line that ran from my arm into my Superior Vena Cava, the largest vein in your heart. Did I think of the consequences? Nope I thought of the DOPE.

So now treatment is over but my habit is still here with me. This weekend is my detox weekend. I know in my heart, my head and my bank account that this can no longer go on.  I have got to stop before it gets any worse. Before I lose everything all over again. Before my loving, trusting parents find out what a loser junkie I truly am.

So if anyone happens to come across this post, keep me in your thoughts and if you have ESP could you send me some strength to get through this?  I know I can do it, I've done it before and I have the meds I need to keep withdrawal away, it's the mental part that is so fucking hard to beat.

It's been so long since I've been here that I honestly forgot how to log in to my blogger account! That's bad....bad blogger. But hey that's me...BAD. No I don't mean like Michael Jackson BAD, more like when some weirdo yells in the park, "BAD DOG". No not really like that at all, I don't know what I'm trying to say here folks. Maybe I'm just trying to win some of your attention back or maybe I'm just trying to spew this crap that's swimming around in my too full brain and my too empty heart. So much has been happening but really nothing is happening. Isn't life funny that way?

So it's been almost a year since I started my new job. I guess it's going ok. Somedays I don't feel quite as stupid as others so I guess we'll categorize that as progress. Office politics aren't all that different than restaurant politics... neither are fair and neither make much sense to me. I try and avoid all the backstabbing, gossipy, fat-ass women who are out to destroy everyone who comes in their path. I'm a loner and I somedays I'm proud of that and somedays not so much. Thank God I only half a half hour lunch. It's pretty difficult to pretend to talk on a cell phone for 30 minutes so nobody thinks you're a loser since you're sitting there all alone with your pb&j.

In case you can't read between the lines here; I'm lonely. And bored. And lonely. So I did sign up for a noncredit writing class at the community college but it was canceled. That sucked, I was really looking forward to using my brain for good instead of for denying elderly people their right to medical care. But summer is just around the corner and I'm hoping the sunshine will not only brighten the days but my mood as well. I hate when I get like this but after all these years I'm tired of fighting it too. What's the point really?

I'm down to 20mg of methadone and that probably has a pretty big effect on this dark mood of mine. But I'm happy to be almost done with that place. I've had the same therapist for almost 3 years there and I wasn't all that thrilled with her on day 1 so imagine how not thrilled I am with here on day 984! She's one of those "I'm gonna save every drug addict that walks through my door" superhero kind of rich upper class college girl. She needs some bitterness. A few of her clients need to overdose. Need to die. Need to be put in prison. Then she'll be a better therapist.

I'm not reading this before I hit the publish post button cause if I do I'm almost positive I'll edit the crap out of it. It's a whole lotta bitchin in one little post aint it? So anyways here goes....

I REFUSE to let myself get all fat and squishy

So as you all know I recently changed careers. I was a skinny little waitress for 20 years and now that I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, let's just say the weight has caught up with me. I'm no porko, but seriously my jeans are a little too snug for my liking. Plus now that I can't bank on making $400 in CASH this week, who can afford a new wardrobe? Certainly not me.

I work for a health insurance company and they offer all kinds of discounts and reward programs for "living a healthy lifestyle". Ok so I'm not stupid...their um discounts include making everyone succumb to these awful, embarrasing tests. I was cool with the blood work, checking my cholesterol and triglycerides but when the nurse pulled out a measuring tape, I got a little uncomfortable. "What's that for" I asked. The nurse kinda chuckled and explained that my company, who's looking out for my best interest (actually they're looking for the loophole to legally charge overweight/obese people more for their insurance benefits) would like to know my waist measurements. What can you do?

So anyways, I've "passed" 3 of the 5 required tests so that my premium won't increase by $600 this year, just $300 because I'm godforbid a smoker. Legal discrimination is what I call it.

I decided to take some action on my ever increasing waistband...I joined a gym. Gasp! I've never had to work out ever before in my life. Work used to be a workout for me. I used to punch in and run my ass off for 8 or so hours. Now, I sit. And I sit. And then I sit some more. So I did it, I actually got out of my comfort zone and admitted to another human (atleast I think he was human, his muscles were popping out all over the place, he actually looked a bit fake to me) that I am unhappy with my body and I'd like to do something about it.

God, what the hell did I get myself into? I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in this place. I don't have my official "assessment" till tomorrow but I figured this morning that I could just go to said gym and start Thanksgiving off on a healthy note. So I walk in and go up to one of the treadmills. I don't know what all those buttons are for or what they do, I just starting pressing them and off I went. I'm walking somewhere close to snail speed and the woman next to me is running on this thing like the fucking cops are chasing her! I swear I felt like the biggest loser there ever was. It will get better...I hope anyway. I'm gonna do it, I'll stick with it and maybe someday I'll be runnin from the cops on a treadmill too!

S.W.F.

I feel like a little school girl! I have a major crush on someone that I work with. She is my mentor; meaning she's a senior processor that I go to with questions about claims and things like that. Did you ever have a crush on someone you know you just can't have? Well if you've never been there; let me tell you, it is no fun!

I know this woman is in no way shape or form a lesbian but that doesn't make me want her any less. She's smart, she's funny, and she's really good at her job. She helps me everyday and always has a lot of great advise and is supportive of me in this new career.

It is time; oh my God is it time! I've been single now for close to 3 years and I don't want to be alone anymore. So where do you meet people? Got me, I'm not really a drinker and the bar scene ain't for me. I tried the free internet dating sites but nothing really has ever panned out. I was thinking about putting a personal ad in one of the city papers but that's kinda scary. I guess though if I want to find someone worth my time, I'm gonna have to get outside of my comfort zone to find her.

Where are all the good looking, smart, funny, hard-working, intelligent, soft, caring lesbians?

Shutup Shutup Shutup....

Ok so a very good friend of mine, who just so happens to also be my hairdresser, had a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago. Now every single time I've seen this baby since her birth she has screamed and cried the whole time. I talked to the friend one day last week and she went on and on telling me how "good" the baby is now. How she can keep herself entertained for hours on end. How she "laughs" and "coos" and "goos" and makes cutsie faces. So I start thinking maybe it's time I have this friend and her baby-demon spawn over for a nice little visit.

I take the initiative and invite friend over for dinner this evening. In comes baby. She is very cute. Very fat. Very chunky. Very baby skinned. Cute. Cute. Cute. And screaming her fucking head off. This baby did nothing but cry and cry and then scream. Awwww, ain't she cute!

I love my friend and well I guess I love her baby (ok that's just a joke, don't anybody go calling the authorities) but man was I glad when they left! Props to all you mothers out there. That is some tough shit to swallow!